Framing. How you frame your circumstances feels like it's taken heightened importance to me. You're never "right" or especially "perfect" in your perspective. It's the first fundamental mistake people make - believing your own bullshit too deeply. What makes it "too" deeply? Your words don't match your actions, your phrasing manifests as broad cliches, and you let the consequences of feeling stunted, handicapped, and terrible play out more than not.
I was listening to Sam Harris and Chris Anderson, of TED talks, recently. They seemed overly concerned with how to enlighten the rich techno-dorks to invest and do good after the Sam Bankman-Fried chaos around effective altruism. It felt detached yet familiar to me. They want to embolden the wealthiest to try to make large impacts. I try to get the hapless catastrophizing souls in my orbit to do literally anything practical and consistent to change how they talk about their circumstances. I haven't needed a billionaire to inspire me to get the land, try to be in business for myself, or defend my perspective on the nature of exploitative capitalism.
When your frame is actively cultivated for you through the media and algorithms, it's a wonder more people don't feel obligated and incensed to push back more aggressively. One of the reasons I write is to look for how often, and if it's too much, I'm blaming some broad conception of the world or sliver of history for why I have or haven't acted in some way. All things being true about "capitalism," "fascism," "greed," "laziness," "the world," "stupid people," etc. where's my time, money, and effort going? Am I 35 dreaming about owning land one day, or am I 8 years into the project? Am I letting my jaded anxiety prevent me from investing in ongoing creative ways to sustain an effort to do good social work? Or have I spent $2000 to become a nonprofit and hire people to fundraise and write grants?
I've been as "lazy" and "directionless" and "bored" and "lonely" and "wanton in my spending" and "disorganized" as I've ever felt or been the last couple months. And yet, somehow, I've reignited my capacity to be an exceptional guitar player, achieved nonprofit status, hired people to submit grants, done more squats and completed more books than I have in years, won a court case, and have continued to build, at least 35 so far, more shows into my future to look forward to. A majority of my focused actions speak to my values and what I continue to want for my future, even if there's an infinite void of space between what feels like "progress" or "hope."
From the moment I uttered my plans or dreams for the land, I've fielded dozens of what I consider "empty" sentiments of, "Oh my God! Me too! I want to do…."whatever it is that inevitably calls for a garden, raising animals, focusing on artistic pursuits, and fundamentally eschewing the grind or rat race or money for its own sake. I hear it constantly. They follow so-and-so on Tik Tok. They have a Pintrest dream wall. They know of some land in the best location and their friend is totally going to help them once their job… Like, I have to stop myself from getting judgey and condescending when I think about it. But it's the cliche. You dream and do nothing, because the story is meant to placate taking responsibility and sacrificing.
I don't even think that's a particularly blunt or cunty way to state it. The habit is to begin listing current or other responsibilities. This is done as though every remotely functional adult doesn't have similar conditions they're working under. It's also the time to dip into an infinite list of "what ifs." This is done to obscure more fundamental obligations that get ignored or dismissed because the metaphorical equivalent of a screaming child needs to be attended to indefinitely, so all of your questions about whether or not it's vaccinated or well-fed are kind of, "Inappropriate, don't you think?"
I think the more I developed a habit of describing every moment as "both and" all at once, the more I discovered what it even meant to take responsibility for my actions, words, or ideas about how or whether to achieve something. It's always complete shit, and always amazing and as good as it can ever get, all the time at once. "You" then consist of your choice to frame that reality. Every moment you drop the frame, you're at probabilistic whims. Every moment you defensively assert the privilege and power of your infinitely compelling snapshot frame, you'll undermine your capacity to escape the hollow space it carves for your existence.
I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life hearing people's empty professions and appreciation for what I'm attempting to do or am doing. I know it has nothing to do with me. I know that what I hope to achieve has nothing to do with them either. For the sake of my project, I have to return to the 3 things I listed initially. Do my actions align with my words and values? Am I more shitty than contented? Can I offer an informed and comprehensive view of what I'm doing, or can I sweep it all under a cliche that's wildly too positive or negative?
I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to act happier or better off than I am. The lesson is to be flexible, comprehensive, and consistent. Bitch and moan, but then go do something about it. Grieve, and then throw a party. Cite all the reasons not to, and match and exceed them with what it takes to do the thing. I've never been more convinced at how aggressively we get in our own way than as I've achieved more and more of what I want, and can't even give it away. Because it's not up to me how and whether you allow your perception to receive, accept, and work with what it takes to get the same things. No one gave me land. I've offered it for free since the moment I've had it, and one person has chanced creating something on it in 8 years. I got my fucking spine tapped twice to afford it in the first place.
Everything I get or pursue is in service to something larger. I didn't want land, per se, I wanted affordable stability. I wanted to play and experiment and make big fires. I wanted to pursue entrepreneurial ideas and own the tools and learn the ways to be more sustainable. Do you really want your little cabin and a garden? I bet the dream stops there. Do you want to exercise? Because that's gardening. Do you want to sell the food or get better at making healthy meals? Do you want to genuinely practice some craft or hobby? Do you want to use your extra funds to come to more shows with me or travel? You don't actually know what you want, so you stick with whatever you have. I want a constantly growing list of things, experiences, chances, and options. I know my effort isn't wasted, and I know how I feel before, during, and after I fit another piece of what I want into my perspective.
I've said it before, but I'd argue most of my clients don't struggle with "addiction," broadly conceived, but with their self-conception. Once you get the cravings at bay, you are presented with the obligation to form the story of your self worth. You have to own your past decision making, figure out your true motivations, navigate complicated emotional ties with people who might, in the long run, get you killed if you don't break away. You're not hopelessly at the mercy of your drug/s of choice. You're at the mercy of yourself. Do you accept the contradictions and work to prove them as compliments to iterating states of being? Most people most of the time, implicitly or otherwise, say definitively, "No." Cue the excuses and apologists.
Your problem, when less explicit than heroin, is the same as everyone's. It's existential. Why are you here? Is there a moment you decided to live for something, yourself, your values, your truth, or are you flailing at the end of dozens of stories about how you "should" be? You need to get married and settle down. You must work (x) amount of hours at a respectable job and play nice with every emotionally abusive and soul-draining relationship you've ever been offered. Take on school, home and car debt. Have kids, say the right things, but stay silent most often. Heed the advice of the most willful or talkative and who you, incorrectly, perceive as most powerful. Give it up to a god. Grind. Love or hate this or that. Buy now.
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