There are several mini topics that I mostly just want out for posterity. Let's get organized.
I start back at work on Monday. Another one of my hasty schemes, maybe starting a moving/salvaging operation, was foiled by a lack of information regarding the severity of the damage to the truck I planned to use. Also, the world closed down, and every rural get-by person is collecting scrap and pallets, so I suspect there's more competition than you'll find accurately measured in online researching. I applied to one job, of course that I don't want, but that I trick myself into believing might be a good thing after I fantasize for five minutes. I got an immediate rejection which I then used to elevate my indignation for the dismissive, inadequate, and condescending place I believe most “managers” are coming from. I vowed to give my future applicants the courtesy of at least 5 minute conversations if they were timely, polite, and provided an extended context of their competences.
As long as I'm still working at DCS, I'm plotting to take over DCS. I'm planning to do so by being overwhelming in the amount of work I put in, and reformulating the flow of information and task-management through something that cannot be denied without severe repercussions. I currently do the work of at least 5 people, and I'll be shooting for 25-30. I won't be claiming undue or exorbitant overtime. I plan to collect data in a way the State is unwilling or unable to do so. I'm going to try incredibly hard to keep the generally broad and all-encompassing task balanced against my otherwise cush circumstances and continued work to escape the gravity of the normal world. On vacation I've managed to field 2 phone conversations related to work that I feel aggrieved by, but remind me that the integration of the task and my life is going to be thorough and I need to be very zen about how I conceive of it.
I was talking earlier about drive and what all there is left to achieve. It's a cliché to mention that after you achieve something, what comes next is the new series of plagued thoughts. I read old blogs wishing desperately to be able to shower and shit in my own home, wash my clothes, and walk on something besides a tick paradise. The idea of who you really are underneath and what you could really stand for does a lot of work in destroying your ability to appreciate right now. As a function of getting a paycheck consistently, I think about the next thing to buy, not how amazing what I just got really is or how much time I could spend appreciating it. This is a bad habit. What's important to maintain is the willingness and desire to move “forward” significantly more than retain guilt that right now you're doing pretty good.
This got me thinking about the singular focus I've exhibited from learning about religion, to creating and running the coffee shop, to making my home an appreciably comfortable spot, one hand-mopping session of drywall dust and violent curse for insects at a time. My goal of “taking over the world” is severely hindered by how much I enjoy my present company. This is a good thing. As much as I want an engine for change and accountability on my terms, I want to enjoy building it, talk intelligently about how to get there, and keep the nature of sacrifice out of the realm of martyrdom. That I've used the good majority of my time off to simply not think about working for DCS verses things like reading, playing video games, or even building reminds me how much I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to make a mantra out of “I'm not actually that hindered by money.”
I start back at work on Monday. Another one of my hasty schemes, maybe starting a moving/salvaging operation, was foiled by a lack of information regarding the severity of the damage to the truck I planned to use. Also, the world closed down, and every rural get-by person is collecting scrap and pallets, so I suspect there's more competition than you'll find accurately measured in online researching. I applied to one job, of course that I don't want, but that I trick myself into believing might be a good thing after I fantasize for five minutes. I got an immediate rejection which I then used to elevate my indignation for the dismissive, inadequate, and condescending place I believe most “managers” are coming from. I vowed to give my future applicants the courtesy of at least 5 minute conversations if they were timely, polite, and provided an extended context of their competences.
As long as I'm still working at DCS, I'm plotting to take over DCS. I'm planning to do so by being overwhelming in the amount of work I put in, and reformulating the flow of information and task-management through something that cannot be denied without severe repercussions. I currently do the work of at least 5 people, and I'll be shooting for 25-30. I won't be claiming undue or exorbitant overtime. I plan to collect data in a way the State is unwilling or unable to do so. I'm going to try incredibly hard to keep the generally broad and all-encompassing task balanced against my otherwise cush circumstances and continued work to escape the gravity of the normal world. On vacation I've managed to field 2 phone conversations related to work that I feel aggrieved by, but remind me that the integration of the task and my life is going to be thorough and I need to be very zen about how I conceive of it.
I was talking earlier about drive and what all there is left to achieve. It's a cliché to mention that after you achieve something, what comes next is the new series of plagued thoughts. I read old blogs wishing desperately to be able to shower and shit in my own home, wash my clothes, and walk on something besides a tick paradise. The idea of who you really are underneath and what you could really stand for does a lot of work in destroying your ability to appreciate right now. As a function of getting a paycheck consistently, I think about the next thing to buy, not how amazing what I just got really is or how much time I could spend appreciating it. This is a bad habit. What's important to maintain is the willingness and desire to move “forward” significantly more than retain guilt that right now you're doing pretty good.
This got me thinking about the singular focus I've exhibited from learning about religion, to creating and running the coffee shop, to making my home an appreciably comfortable spot, one hand-mopping session of drywall dust and violent curse for insects at a time. My goal of “taking over the world” is severely hindered by how much I enjoy my present company. This is a good thing. As much as I want an engine for change and accountability on my terms, I want to enjoy building it, talk intelligently about how to get there, and keep the nature of sacrifice out of the realm of martyrdom. That I've used the good majority of my time off to simply not think about working for DCS verses things like reading, playing video games, or even building reminds me how much I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to make a mantra out of “I'm not actually that hindered by money.”
I helped spread and pour concrete and put together a deck on a hot day, and it was more fulfilling than my last several months at work. If I don't find a way to make it mine, whatever the task, it becomes insufferable. If I can't put it in my context, hotly negotiated and bulging at the seems, it doesn't matter what it is or how hard or easy it is assumed to be, I cannot carry on without withering. I want to be exhausted in service to things, but not stupidly. I don't want to be pinched until I pop, make excuses so that I no longer appreciate the meaning of words, nor pine and moan as though I'm not fundamentally a radical force capable of radical decisions. I can always give or take.
This makes me think of the protests. I want them bigger. I want them meaner. I want them smarter and to be of consequence in a way I believe we're broadly still too dumb to know how to do. I want the power taken, because it will not cede on its own. If I only fussed and wrote signs and witty facebook posts until my blue face scared the cows away from home, I wouldn't be voting for a better sheriff. If I wanted others to appreciate the different eras of protest and revolution, I might provide free text for people to learn what's gone right or wrong. A fuck ton of people rallied in Bloomington, just like every other integrated civilized place for something the vast majority want and can absolutely get. Do we wait until peaceful protesters are getting gunned down en masse by shadow private armies?
Context, big and small, must be persistently navigated. I wish to change the world by getting a firmer and firmer grasp on my small corner of it; whether it's my head, the exercise of my time, or the goals I attempt to adopt within the confines of my jobs or hobbies. Right now, my context, so often tightly focused on “me” and “my budget,” innocently enough didn't cut my yearly bill obligation in half now that it's being split. One paycheck now equals about 6 months of security. Do I still have to work 4 months if I want contacts, insurance, a gym membership, and to overpay for tires or car repairs? Sure. But I can survive on Ramen, books, and keep the lights on for 6 months every 2 weeks. The options to explore remain open, the trend line is in the right direction, and no matter how insufferable any given day may appear things are about as objectively good as I can account for without adequate health insurance.
What's next with more help or organization? Who's in the quarter of an acre next to us helping pull saplings, stashing away their cash, and realizing that $50 just bought them a month of time they'll never get back? Whether it's the self-actualization and incidental ego-stripping that hopefully comes with working, growing, and increased perspective and connections, the question is whether or not we're going to figure out how important it is to focus NOW on the things we should have been doing 10, 20, or 200 years ago. A revolution can return you to exactly where you are if you don't keep control of the wheel.
This makes me think of the protests. I want them bigger. I want them meaner. I want them smarter and to be of consequence in a way I believe we're broadly still too dumb to know how to do. I want the power taken, because it will not cede on its own. If I only fussed and wrote signs and witty facebook posts until my blue face scared the cows away from home, I wouldn't be voting for a better sheriff. If I wanted others to appreciate the different eras of protest and revolution, I might provide free text for people to learn what's gone right or wrong. A fuck ton of people rallied in Bloomington, just like every other integrated civilized place for something the vast majority want and can absolutely get. Do we wait until peaceful protesters are getting gunned down en masse by shadow private armies?
Context, big and small, must be persistently navigated. I wish to change the world by getting a firmer and firmer grasp on my small corner of it; whether it's my head, the exercise of my time, or the goals I attempt to adopt within the confines of my jobs or hobbies. Right now, my context, so often tightly focused on “me” and “my budget,” innocently enough didn't cut my yearly bill obligation in half now that it's being split. One paycheck now equals about 6 months of security. Do I still have to work 4 months if I want contacts, insurance, a gym membership, and to overpay for tires or car repairs? Sure. But I can survive on Ramen, books, and keep the lights on for 6 months every 2 weeks. The options to explore remain open, the trend line is in the right direction, and no matter how insufferable any given day may appear things are about as objectively good as I can account for without adequate health insurance.
What's next with more help or organization? Who's in the quarter of an acre next to us helping pull saplings, stashing away their cash, and realizing that $50 just bought them a month of time they'll never get back? Whether it's the self-actualization and incidental ego-stripping that hopefully comes with working, growing, and increased perspective and connections, the question is whether or not we're going to figure out how important it is to focus NOW on the things we should have been doing 10, 20, or 200 years ago. A revolution can return you to exactly where you are if you don't keep control of the wheel.
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