[847] Chains

I am not free. It's an excruciatingly obvious thing to state. I am bound by some mess of internal moralism, physical limitations, and every practical reality of my setting known and unknown.

Freedom, for as often as it is invoked, is extremely complicated. The naive wish to “be free” summarily dismisses the negative consequences. If you want the freedom to be an asshole, you are free to take a punch. Interpersonally it's easier to understand, adding to the irony when you hear a young person on the beach during a pandemic say “fuck em.”

I'm thinking about freedom right now because I don't feel free to enjoy my last night of vacation. Tomorrow, I'm back to using the vast majority of my time and brain space mitigating poor, ignorant, and stressed out people's problems with the handful of meager tools allotted to me. I get to dream about figuring out a way to automate Word forms to exponentially increase my time doing even more sideways and fundamentally inadequate ways to be a part of the system. I get to wake up earlier than my body positively responds to to field questions like, “Are you happy to be back?” yuck yuck.

While I was “free” this last two weeks, I read exactly 0 books after ordering 10 from Amazon. I got my concrete pillars installed this evening, finding one reason or other besides the weather to prevent me from doing so sooner. I played no video games if you consider Rockband actual guitar practice, and while I'm not filled with absolute dread at the idea of returning, I know I'm going to be working very hard to play into my “take over this organization” vibe so I stay out of the realm screaming “none of this matters and isn't helping.”

The kind of freedom I desire I don't think I've ever had. When I had money in the bank, I didn't have land. I have land, but still bills. The projects I add to my plate are supposed to be in the name of fun and experimentation, and let me tell you, it takes doing it, stepping back, and reflecting on what you're desperate to forget how hard it was to learn, before that fun and experimentation feels like a wise decision. My time this last two weeks has been about finding a resting point and continued escape from thinking about work. It wasn't about enjoying what I had, it was about running from what's coming.

I don't feel bad insofar as I got caught up on a ton of shows and actually did accomplish a fair amount of pretty strenuous work. If anything, starting vacation having provoked myself into the takeover mindset probably set me up to “fail” at vacation regardless. I'm returning to a field that is still far and away the easiest thing I've ever done for money. I, occasionally, actually help people and provide a reasonable and calm tone with good information to a situation that, even after dealing with us, never managed to find its way. The work matters, but still not to me, or at least not yet.

I'm exhausted and invigorated by the work I did today. I look properly Peruvian with the amount of sun I've gotten. I go to Lowes almost every day. We actively discuss the dozen things we want to create every day. The reality of a consistent paycheck keeps sounding the alarm. The “practical” fact that insurance, and debt, and health matter bookend every consideration. My model is still built around money. I still have not separated my physical presence and engagement from my ability to collect. I don't want to lazily invite anyone to park and rent, but freedom to waste as much time on a video game or getting really good at clean picking technique does not happen until I don't have the harbinger of “labor for someone else” hanging over me. Not labor, just for someone who doesn't care, who will never care, how efficiently or smart I can be.

How do I get to prove it to myself? Taking over DCS would hint at it. These home improvements are reminiscent of the efforts it took to get the coffee shop going. Sooner than we both think I'll be making statements like, “Oh, you can't build a home extension in a week? All you have to do...” I spend a lot of time thinking about the under-considered expenses and investments of time before I run headlong into things, but there is something invigorating about making a snap decision and drilling down until it's done. For all of the effort it's taken to organize these free books for Amazon, I didn't spent my break listing them. I suspect it's an almost impossible to profit endeavor. I'll truly be “free” when I think it's a good idea to knock something like that out.

I really think I'm going to have to be obnoxious in my takeover. I need the thing above the thing to focus on, like an overwhelming desire to embarrass or shame and spite impulse. You think I'm trying to make things “better,” while I chuckle and go “No, I legit just hate you that much.”

I'd be remiss if I didn't at least nod my head to the idea of how haughty this whole sentiment and blog might come across in the midst of what will hopefully be a cultural shift in ensuring Black Lives Matter. I want to live freer of obligations and search for “fulfillment,” and black people would like to get around to being allowed to live at all. This isn't lost on me.

Maybe I need to explore why just saving enough to last a year or two wouldn't work either. I genuinely want to say my bills are paid for a year. There is little reason, it seems, to do so. They can get their money when they bill me. But, the act of billing me is nagging perhaps? Like, fuck your monopoly. Fuck it taking 5 days to process. Fuck me for not being off-grid yet. What would I do with a year of vacation that I didn't do in two weeks? Property taxes aren't exactly rent, but they are due just like any bill, and can't be paid in advance. Of course there are a dozen things I want right now that are also $1000+ and interrupt the thought, and I'm definitely paying off credit card purchases in service to all the new tools and toys instead of car payments. Why bother sending my internet company $1,287?

I think I still desire to be the kind of person who can, and say that he did, because I know people aren't. It's the pretension. Who pays their bills for a year? Hood-rich people? Mind you, I could throw it on the credit card too, and still use the cash from a paycheck to do whatever. I want more indications of my fought for status. I want people to appreciate the organization and time spent in service to statements like that. I want them to want that for themselves so maybe they'd free up their time and help me make even bigger statements.

We can circle right back around. Saving time to have it to do with what you please. Allowing your brain the time to think about anything besides the next obligation. I fill the void with at least consistent acknowledgment that I'm surrounded by books I haven't read and instruments I haven't learned. I still look forward to being a trumpet student and feeling comfortable spending the grand it would take to re-pad the tenor saxophone. I suppose I don't understand how that isn't your goal if you “want to live.”

If and when you actually have a goal, which I struggle to believe about most people, you don't get it usually without the focus and time and struggle for something just beyond your reach. If you've vocalized it at all, and it's something like “ I want to learn to dance!” and you're not taking dance classes, clearly it's speaking to something deeper. The collective goal-orientation of Black Lives Matter is encouraging, but does it have the habit of achievement or the incidental luck of the country being on lock down so the protests look super cool?

I've watched most people with stated-ish goals do exactly the things that would obligate them to their version of The State kind of environment. The paychecks allows for higher-end feasts to tear through more voraciously than any day-in-the-life otherwise, but was the goal fancy dinner? I think this shit is incredibly important to talk out too. I don't begrudge someone having less than the whole “take over the world” kind of language I employ, but is it unreasonable to point out that taking over the world involves the exact same skills and perspective required to even get a handle on your own life or social circle? How do you get the time without being more efficient? Where do you grow without connecting with those with knowledge that compliments yours? What heights can you climb without sacrificing a series of common comforts?

We all get to die and be free from daunting praise or harsh criticism. In the meantime, we're not even free to feel good about things that are good because a large enough portion of how our lives are organized is catastrophically bad. What do you think it really takes to address that situation without habitually taking on more and more responsibility and intending to dominate it?