It’s tied closely to “faith” and “hope.” It’s what provokes “I feel.” It’s got at least one book by Michael Shermer which I can’t remember if I’ve read. It’s the basis of a basically functioning brain. You have to believe the bed isn’t going to disappear when you jump into it. You have to believe in your relationships so you can make long term goals. You have to believe in yourself and that the things you care about hold value. You mess with belief at your great peril.
In thinking the god I don’t believe in is every ounce of ironic and laughing as Al Pacino might suggest, I’ve not only had my mind flooded with Jesus Christ Superstar for weeks (having watched every commercially version available), watched a documentary on Tony Robbins constantly pushing love and general ethereality so-named “God,” but have started training with a company that is deeply rooted in religious ideals - meaning prayer before meetings, offers of “what scripture says about that,” and ninja gorilla training on how to maybe-ever-oh-so-subtly sneak a little Jesus into a life that’s recently had a child taken away.
While I said I wouldn’t criticize what I’m a part of until the end of this week, I can still talk and reflect on what I’m hearing. And what I’m hearing more than anything is, “I believe. I truly believe. I believe with all my heart. I believe in our mission. I believe I was called. I believe you can change the world. I believe every conversation I ever get into has a purpose and a meaning and that we all have something to teach each other. I believe we’re going to grow and grow and that it’s not for us to explore the details behind why our reach is increasing, and we should be able to do such a good job, we’ll work ourselves out of business!"
I’ve known what religious-minded people believe for a long time. It’s why, barring severe brain damage, I’m going to die without adopting a sky daddy. I don’t “believe” I’ll never believe in God. I speak in a way that always allows for brain damage.
But then it begs the question, what do I actually believe? We can leave aside that I don’t behave as if my car runs on milk or that the bed will jump out of the window before I jump in it. Maybe it’s first better to think about what I used to believe. I know I’ve talked about that before with regards to what I believed growing up as a kid about my family or school. I don’t know how much to just lump those in with general childish naivety or if they had a special hold on me that really fucked with me when they were broken. Wouldn’t they everybody? Aren’t we actively watching the consequences of people’s broken homes and expectations play out in real time?
But right now, what do I believe? I believe in myself. I believe I can lie, and play along, and make money. I believe that, if nothing else, I will at least find myself alone, in my field, with too much saved up and too much time to read, watch TV, and play music. That’s so true to me, when I use my third eye, so to speak, I see myself there, just being okay, doing whatever. It’s a kind of baseline belief because I have immediate access to my thought process at all times. I don’t have to convince myself I’m as good as I’ve already done. I try incredibly hard to thrust lies from my life, so even the delusions I have left retain a contentious bibliography.
I believe there’s little I could do that would make my dad leave my corner. He’s nothing but an anchor for what I believe as his ardent stance in service to family. In the same vein, but very different, I believe my best friend will always behave in the ways I might anticipate for myself. Stated differently, I believe me at my worst and best, and I know how to navigate either.
I believe we’re not going to make it. I think “something” could survive over an extended period of time, but “we,” as a species, as capitalist selfish befuddled apes, not for anything but a cosmic second. But I also believe it’s the best thing you can do to fight against that anyway.
What would I have liked to believe? What do I think would have made my picture of the world, not so reflexively “negative,” a word and view I still vehemently disagree with, but one where I’m able to constantly like and share and offer “good vibes” that don’t rub people so raw? I would have liked to believe any time I was arrested by love, that those feelings suggested more than biology. Of course it’s grand to think of security or a partnership or a way to express trust and intimacy. Is it the reality I felt was built to last? You don’t tell a girl who’s mad about you, that you know is wifey material, that she’s going to be the one to leave you on day 2 of you guys ever spending a considerable amount of time together. And certainly, not believing it’s going to work doesn’t make the time together bad or register as a relief when it’s over.
I’d like to believe that I don’t have to carry whatever angry water I have for my mom. I’d like to believe a phone call and “deep appreciation” for the pain that’s been caused could get us talking towards some kind of, at least basic courtesy, of a place. Do I believe that can happen? Well, sure, anything can, but I don’t just not believe it, I don’t even want to believe it. I don’t want us to be reconciled to people who don’t have a capacity to hold themselves to account. I don’t want people who believe in themselves, in their own innocence or lack of responsibility, at the expense of the whole world. I’m not okay with pretending that’s okay. I don’t want that to be a statement about me as an example I set for anyone else.
I’d like to believe that “things are just around the corner.” I used to. I thought I’d be 5 years down the line of a moderately successful coffee endeavor that kinda sorta ran itself. I’d like to think I’m one person who isn’t abject shit and a waste of time away from seeing my appeals online who wants to join up and get started. I want to believe that even in this new job, I’ll hit it as hard as I’ve hit everything, and maybe next month I’ll be wildly surprised at the “ease” I could have been working to get twice as much. But I believe it’s always in the romanticized past. I believe that’s where most of my friends are. I believe it would take nothing short of a lottery-adjacent offer to get anyone to come play for longer than lunch or a weekend.
If you’re a believer, you think all of this is just God speaking through me. You caught this blog at the EXACT right time, and try as you might to fight, certain lines just stuck with you today or came up as relevant like a proverb. I don’t get credit for thinking or sharing. I don’t get to differentiate my thoughts and language. I don’t get to take responsibility for my actions when they seem to contradict. I don’t get agency. I don’t have ideas, let alone ideals. If you believe, I don’t exist, and thus am absolved of my sins. So why not you as well? You as my witness, you who would condemn me with every sweetest profession, you who speaks without saying anything. This is the word of My God! So sayeth, Me.
