Disclaimer: little bit drunk.
I'm not “anti-capitalist.” We have any number of voices railing against the dangers of not owning your labor and grasping that the exploitation involved with having a chosen few owning the resources and means of productions is generally shit. As an allegedly “smart” person, I wholly understand that were there literally a machine that drove society, very obviously most people would not be equipped to operate it.
I have a hard time conceiving of myself as anything but incredibly selfish. Truly, is there a single fuck given about anything I deign worth complaining about? Oh, I'm the kind of overweight that can be fixed in 2 months. Dear god, in 3 months of getting a “bullshit” job I'll make more than 90% of the people on the planet per week. Let my dumbass subject you to a bullshit diatribe justifying my TV watching. For real, I'm the epitome of a self-involved goddamn joke of a human being. I hate it. I don't know how to fix it, even if your mind has rushed to a dozen “fixes” I'd probably disagree with.
My concerns really are big. I want a backdrop that doesn't need excuses and rationalizations. I want a picture we can take pride in thousands of years after we're gone. Of course nothing but my blogs even pretend to live up to that ideal, but it is the standard nonetheless.
You know, fuckers, when you dig into me, you're not going to be surprised. I talk until I want to puke about my ideal kind of life. I own every failing moment and use it as a point of scorn and condemnation for what should be. Are you under the fucking impression that you aren't shit!?
I don't even need to win. I don't need to be proven right. I already know what I know. I understand you more than any asshole ever should. My instant rapport with everyone I ever meet is a sign. My ability to understand, digest, translate, and reconfigure is a gift. You will all burn before I forgo using it to its potential.
I think I should just die in a car accident tomorrow, but I know it's not going to happen. I have an insane... legit, that shit is insane...I have an insane amount of power I've kept myself hidden from for a very long time. What gives me the right? Where do I get off? Every fucker reading this who knows anything about me is absolutely convinced they know what the fuck I'm talking about. Swallow that amount of bullshit and then think to give me shit.
What happens when I “just take?” It scares me. I don't want to be a cliched megalomaniacal historical example. But, what happens? What if I don't just take every inch of what I can do, but every micrometer? I feel myself moving there. I think it's what's next. I'm at the cusp. I'm the person you know who can do anything. Is that okay? I don't want to be as sure as I feel. I don't want to commit. But dude, I'm almost 30. Why shouldn't I just take everything? It can't be right, right? But I will. My opinion of me aside, I will.
I don't want what's been given to me. I don't want to exercise my understanding. I want a girl I get along with who will actually stick around. I want to explore my entrepreneurial goals in due time. I want to emulate the safe-enough environment for kids to grow up in that I did barring my insane parent. I don't want to feel responsible for the whole world. I don't want to to know how to shift the balance of power every moment. I don't want to curl my chin and tear up at the prospect of being more than a whiny little bitch in blogs. But it's me. It's mine. I'm going to take it, and shape it, and dictate existence. That's what I'm here to do. I'll do it drunk. I'll do it through TV shows. I'll do it bitching and complaining about everything conceivably possible not worth complaining about.
I hate it. I hate what I have to do. I hate that you're not going to help. I hate the presumption. I hate the fear. I hate the obligation. I hate the sheer dread of doing something stupid that derails any tangible example of the fact. But you know what? Fuck you. I don't give a fuck if I die tomorrow and fail. I at least went down knowing my shit and what I'm about. You can get fucked. Bitch ass niggas frontin like they ever fucking understand shit. You're my fucking friends, right!? God fucking forbid! You ain't there. You don't want it. You don't give a fuck.
Imma take it. Look out. Joke ass novelty as it will register with your punk ass. It don’t even fucking matter.
