There's more to be said in the exercise of doing away with traits and people I don't want to be like. As I've sat and let the idea marinate, it's worth noting that my initial pull towards the friend group/s I enjoyed had more to do with things I was attracted to than the hundreds more I ignored. I've since gone on to demonize my “niceness fetish” and dismiss the merits of mere intellectualism. I suppose overall, I was responding to a way it made me feel included. There were also individual acts of solidarity or just being a dope person that I admired. I liken my conflict to the person who's got a wholly irrational raving lunatic parent who voted for Trump and carries any number of conspiracy theories, but their memories of childhood were that of a caring and supportive person who's not actually the devil.
As well, I was thinking about why anyone would or wouldn't want to be more like me. As the biggest dealer of shit talking about everything, including myself, I could probably go on for several pages about just what I've said or thought this week that would prompt someone to stay away. I think I'm more interested in trying to figure out what sparks certain and significant changes in people more than trying to put them into little boxes of acceptable or not. At the same time, there are definite behaviors that I know I've improved upon, that have seemingly been betrayed in the people who've fallen out of my life.
I don't want to be the kind of person who rushes to get pissed off and delete you because I go out of my way to misinterpret your words or think you're getting unduly personal about characterizing me. That's a pretty solidly consistent trait in the people who find themselves wanting nothing more to do with me. They refuse to talk. They turn every polite invitation into the most damming assumptions about my motivation, or they literally invent things I haven't said or done to draw a line in the sand. I don't know that you should treat anyone like that, let alone a presumed friend.
The last few days has been memories of who I thought were the best kinds of examples of people turning for reasons I associate with the worst kinds of people. Increasingly, they seem like the best kind of cautionary tale of not having figured even your basic kind of “life shit” out. It's why I'm incredibly suspicious of overly nice or engaged people. What are you trying to hide? What gives you the impression that shit is appropriate? The same goes for “real” mother fuckers who act like they're the first, the best, or the hardest. The choice to play passive aggressive pretend time isn't outside their reach.
I think a reason I'm semi-obsessed with being even remotely reliable is that it's one of the most mentally distressing things I have to deal with. I even mean “reliable” in the most despotic sense, in that, if you're going to be a certain kind of asshole, at least stay that way. I have friends I know are always going to be insecure 13 year olds. I have friends I know are going to remain way too open-minded about psuedo-health and mysticism. I have friends who are absolutely never going to light up and be the kind of person I saw in college without someone like me around cultivating or forcing. I know this. I accept this. Just like I'm always going to be saying loud or obnoxious things, I'm always going to be willing to talk about anything for as long as it takes, and I'm always going to be on the attack.
The thing I'm not able to work out on my own is whether people want to be like themselves. I don't really like that I've learned how to “do nothing” really well. I'm unable to frame that in some positive affirmation regarding patience. I don't like the impact of my meaningless jobs on my disposition or body. I don't like feeling as though I've made increasingly disproved statements about what I can get done or when. I don't like breaking workout or reading streaks. I don't like when I'm completely sold on the most damning things I might say about someone when I would melt at the opportunity for things to be okay again. What's okay if you're the only one who sees the problem, or at least think it trumps whatever they believe to be the problem with you?
I guess I just don't understand. I don't understand years in service to a relationship that's as easy to break as an “unfriend” button. I don't understand testifying and fighting in trying to accomplish something, and then sacrificing it on the alter of comfort. I don't get what's so dramatic or hard. But then, it's only confusing to me because I treat my life in pretty dramatic all-or-nothing terms. My “normal” is incredibly dramatic for everyone else. But even “all-or-nothing” is a kind of shorthand way of speaking to a level of intensity or sincerity more than some moral line. I think it's a sensibility encapsulated by the best kind of relationships, be it parent to child, spouses, or to a cause. Here it might be easier to say it like, “doubt doesn't mean failure” or “there's more at stake than how you feel” or “the good outweighs the bad.”
I might just be too much of an idealist. I think it's always up for grabs and negotiations never close. How could they? Ideas change all the time, perspectives are rocked. You could, of course, attempt to work through imagined scenarios and adopt practices of those you admire, but for most it's get tossed between the unexpected and unimaginable. And I, being the alleged mastermind or manipulator, know how to infiltrate and mold. I can supplement what people lack. I can start taking back hearts and minds. Instead of being confused why people don't debate and decode the mess of what I say, I can do what I just did in the local political landscape; rearrange power and nestle into beds people lay down for me. Is that a better and more moral use of my time? I could make the argument either way, and I doubt I'm going to find a context that helps me fix anything in advance.
I don't want to fall into my own hedonistic hole of what was easy to do or create. I don't want to stop being suspicious of my own motives or think I'm not blind to important changes happening in me. The best I can do is to not treat people like I've been treated. The best I can do is use my perspective and understanding of power to unable people more than I'm crippling or silencing. Because that's what I feel like. People want me quiet. I'm certainly never going to be that.
