I don't matter.
If there's a more important lesson to learn in school, I've yet to find you. I don't matter. Your teachers don't care about you. Your friends probably change as soon as you change housing. Your "academic advisers" have your number. You and I don't matter. All that matters is what we can project to the rest of the world. There is no place for well-being, let alone happiness. Do as your told, file in rank, get "trainable."
I thought I finally had it right. I picked classes I thought were interesting. Went to my adviser happy and ready to look forward to something for once. To my abysmal dismay, NONE of the classes I gave half a shit about taking were being offered. Again I am plunged into a world of apprehension, stress, and utter despair. I'm so fucking distressed I want to punch things until I feel numb. Schools attack your very spirit. Your essence of life. You may find something interesting or cool WHAM! "We deem this too hard for you, this isn't allowed, this doesn't fall in line with your major, this would be more appropriate, this is a STANDARD BULLSHIT COURSE"
My friend accused me of being depressed a little while back. While I vehemently disagreed I can fully appreciate such a dark and low place that people who are clinically depressed may feel. If I honestly thought myself susceptible to staying at that level of compelling negative thought, I'd seek assistance mind you. I do tend to say all the mood killer practical and blah things. I always bitch about my situation in life. I don't know if that means I'm depressed or not. If I felt like I do right now all the time....If depression means always feeling like you never have something to look forward to and are not secure about your position in relation to your responsibilities, then yes I'm depressed.
I'm either a complete idiot by every stretch of the imagination or I really have something important about life understood at its core. I'd prefer to think the latter as no one is convincing enough to paint me as an idiot. I know I'm only in college because its the status quo or "those who cannot be named." I know I would drop out in a heart beat if I came upon a better opportunity. I know that I will sincerely make myself mentally sick if I continue to feign worry about classes while actually worry about what I'm not using my time for.
Why is it so easy for everyone else? How do they do h/w and never struggle over its value? How do they wake up every morning to download information simply because its being told to them? How do people justify interrupting their passion? Do they even have one?
For half the guys in my building the "fun" consists of w.o.w. and magic the gathering games....is that what they really are about? I mean its obvious they aren't spending 10-12 hours on homework each day. I can't seem to rationalize either method of staying sane even though one is supposed to get you somewhere and the other is supposed to be fun.
All I ever care to do when I know there is nothing riding my ass is read, sleep, play music, and hang out. College won't prepare you for a job like that nor will it tell you how doing those things can find you a place in the world. Unfortunately for me apparently those are what I like and what I have to work with if I'm to get anywhere that doesn't get me institutionalized.
I can't stay this angry all the time. Not "grrr I'm gonna kick ass" angry, but simply fed up and done with this way of life. Falling face first into a random test, boring assignment, or lack of anything substantial and profound. I don't know what I'm going to do. I had a plan, school killed that plan, where the fuck do I go now? Assuming my dad's really that cool, at least my living room has a comfortable couch.
