[39] Empathy?

I sometimes wish I was a better faker. Liar is too cynical. Most people aren't "liars" they just absent (hopefully only absent) mindedly fake their way through life. It's apparently not that hard to do. I just wonder if you can embody the fake when you think you can't help yourself from being you. In one sense my life would be easier if I pretended all I cared about was pussy. Then I would've said the right things and kissed the right asses. Then I would've forced myself into the gym thinking only of the cool new myspace pics I could put up and days at water parks and beaches I could flaunt it. I would've gone to those parties and gotten shit faced telling everyone how much I loved them and just needed their friendship because life just gets so hard sometimes. I would've blown paychecks on clothes and ring tones because come on, I'm young and its expected of me. I would have a million "friends." I don't know how much more or less someone can grow having done all that and gotten passed it, or simply passing it up all together. It gets old going through my phone and seeing tons of names and maybe two I could call. But then again I'm not really looking for just a person to be there. There's some ulterior motive like a good conversation. Maybe my big headedness has kept me left out of those social circles. Mind you I'm not loser with no friends guy just different kinds of friends who mostly seem to take part in the same types of things I kinda feel like I'm missing out on. I mean even Dickhead (as he will so and forever be referred to as you have to be fucked in the head to exhibit such tendencies and blame them on the devil) played her friends and family with his o-so-cheery personality and "lovable goofiness." I wonder how many prayers he said at a dinner table or long talks about faith and God he had to form such deep connections with them all. How many times that little pussy cried on someone's shoulder because he just isn't receiving enough Jesus and needs their help. Meanwhile I get to hear all the opinions from the outside. The comments about what people really thought behind his back. The instances where he treated someone like the dog he viewed them as. Times when his "Christianity" didn't need to be generous or helpful. Talk about martyrs when you and a handful of others try to explain the truth and prevent disaster.

So then what after the fact.

He's always there. Those "connections" give off that trust me vibe when pulled at. "Remember when you n me……" and a new virus starts to form. They'll start with nothing more than myspace comments to her friends and sisters on their birthdays. Maybe phone calls with her best friend. Helping her dad move something into his house. His presence she'd never be able to rid. And why would she even think she'd want to? She was in love with it wasn't she? That first year was so amazing, he was so perfect. Why couldn't he keep up the lie, why? If only the truth wasn't so hard. Maybe this is just a test from a God who isn't really supposed to test? Why wasn't the love good enough? She tried so hard, really. Everyday she prayed and cried and talked and prayed and cried and talked. What honestly could've gone wrong?…..God will fix him. Or maybe God has to fix me. (talking from her point of view now) Maybe I wasn't good enough and made him turn so bad. That one Sunday I wasn't focused on God and maybe….I mean he showed me the door. He let me experience God. I owe him my life. My family pretends to hate him. I mean they put on that good face when he's around. I'm strong. I can hold on and make it no matter what. With all my family issues I'll be able to control my love life. The love of my life. I wish people would back off. They don't know. They just don't understand how hard it is. Its my responsibility. Its my burden. Look what Christ did and I'm stressing over Dickhead? Over my own woes? How big of me. I'm going to go read the bible and look for insight. I'm gonna go talk to my sisters. They love me too. UUGH this is so complicated. And why can't he just drop it. I'm in no position to just start up again new. He can be so stupid and immature sometimes too. I can ignore it. I do feel good after compliments though. I shouldn't flirt. I can't help it. Is it because I actually like him or am I just that in need of someone? He says he loves me. I tell him back. But I love all my friends like a Christian should. Why did I hold his hand? I know how bad he says he's got it for me, but is that really true? I mean he admitted to watching porn. That hurts. Maybe as much as it did when I heard it from Dickhead. There we go. I can just find all the things wrong and use them to justify pushing any "maybe feeling" away so I can just deal with what I have. He didn't shave today. He hasn't complimented my hair. He doesn't call. He said that really mean thing to our section. He won't stop asking me out. He isn't a Christian or is only trying to become one to get with me. (the list I'm sure goes on)

The bigger picture.

He is extremely self conscious and acts out in ways to appease and make people like him. I can fully appreciate where he's coming from unfortunately. The major fucking difference is I recognize it and he doesn't. He let it carry on and become his life, I decided to become completely blunt about life and not get fooled by it. His lifestyle allowed one of the most beautiful and special people in my world to get caught up and hurt by it. Mine makes me feel insane and without hope because there is no foreseeable answer or coarse of action. Neither is good. One is still sure as hell better.

A question answered.

Although the "high" road is filled with headaches and bullshit it is none the less a better platform for expressing anything close to real truth and love. I don't hate Jesus or want to be a rebel against God. I can just see, better now, what questions such beliefs carry over your head. How your faith can literally poison anything allowing you influence over it. What excuse is left?