Let’s see how I can jumble all of my
thoughts tonight.
I don’t always mean to come off as
dismissive. I’ve adopted a particular nature that seeks the taboo,
the novel, the perverse, the “morally ambiguous” at times. I feel
I am a direct result of reacting to my environment in a way that
doesn’t put ridiculous amounts of stress upon me, and direct
statements or rules about how and why I’m going to behave certain
ways. Many times these rules are established after perhaps years of a
mental battle or struggle that finally “resolved” into an aspect
of my disposition.
I have the conflict of wanting to be
understood without making myself easy to understand. I don’t think
that everything can simply be explained, despite how brilliantly it
is laid out, and another person will go “okay” and forever their
life is changed. At the same time, I hate to think, and am frequently
annoyed by, the notion that so much time and pain need to be spent in
order for some things to be figured out.
It’s not so much that I think I have
any one person so well figured out. I would never presume to be
explicitly in someone’s head. I do like to show how there are ways
of dealing with things that have proven to help others can help you
as well. More often than not, they’ve helped me. At the very least,
I like when people are able to actually put words to what they think
is an actual problem. The odd thing being, hardly one is ever clearly
dictated.
There’s always a problem. Something
is always wrong, be it with your money situation, your relationships,
your grades what have you. Your perspective on the very word
“problem” flavors all of it. I have a problem, a potentially
serious one with my plumbing in the kiosk. I genuinely want and am
capable of going to the plumber and saying “You mother fucker, how
can you justify setting this up a certain way, any idiot can tell
this could flood, fuck me, cost me money. Not only are you
irresponsible, you never pick up your fucking phone and your stupid
fucking wife, regardless of how sweet she can sound on the phone, is
so far up her own bullshit agenda is writing me off making it all the
more difficult to get my shit up and running and pay my fucking
bills.” And it feels that way, and I feel angry.
These are people I’ve paid $1000
dollars to. If they aren’t satisfying what is clearly reasonable to
assume as their responsibility to do a job that doesn’t put me at
undue risk, what am I left to do but get angry? How do I respond to
someone who puts up their hands and goes “I don’t know what to
tell you?”
I don’t think people have the best
intentions. I so very rarely “focus on the positives” I could
literally bang my head against a wall at points until the throbbing
and utter disgust overwhelm me past the point of thinking anymore.
Every step of the way is a battle. It’s not the fight I hate; it’s
the fact that it’s unnecessary. It’s the fact that I genuinely
don’t want to be filled with this practical and pragmatic
calculating hatred, and yet people “ever so accidentally” give me
every reason to maintain it. Everyone plays dumb or innocent.
It’s this shadow of blatant stupidity
and denial I want to be rid of. It’s this passive aggressive
“polite” conversation that spits in the face of reality. It’s
these empty platitudes you get served and swallow so that you can
gain an inch. How much shit I’ve had to take just to sell coffee?
Should I really be humbled by the pursuit of running a business that
no matter how much you’re willing to work, literally other people’s
“busy schedules” and callous treatment of your time will dictate
your success? Unless you physically compel them or pour money at
their feet, nothing gets done in any way resembling a smart, correct,
or efficient manner?
It’s more than sickening; it’s
demoralizing. It literally sucks my will to put any effort into
caring about shit. I understand the game, I’m playing the game, but
I can’t sustain myself on this game. I need to change something or
remove myself from it. More than I’m averse to pain, I’m
violently hurling myself away from feeling hopeless. Whether it’s
talking about friends opting for long term mental turmoil and
significant emotional scarring or every “too telling” interaction
I have with someone I have to cut a check to, the hopelessness is
just…
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Money. Not even what it does, just the
emotional gratification it imparts. It doesn’t matter how much you
have, all that matters is what it elicits in other people when you
use it. My manipulative nature understands this and compels me to put
up with too much bullshit in the name of what I see myself doing with
money. Do I think I can buy people’s moral servitude? I already
know what they’re willing to put up with, what they’re capable
of, what I’ve been capable of putting up with. I must know it for
certain. I can achieve any end. I can calculate, specifically to the
last dollar, how much it will cost to run an agenda. And as quickly
as the money shifts, when the emotional tit has been sucked dry,
it’ll be on to the next ripest bosom.
We aren’t moral creatures. We’re
creatures. A creature will put the electrical box next to the
plumbing which might have reason to clog/flood over time because
another creature doesn’t really care or (if the benefit of the
doubt is to be given) never learned that drains can and always do
clog. Creatures will expect your rent due despite a full
understanding and appreciation for the extenuating circumstances
having nothing to do with your negligence or laziness cause you to
open late. Creatures will try to pawn off the blame of their
employees for damaging your property in the face of said employees
admitting to your “mere speculation.”
As my struggle with definitions that
put anything “human” into humanity carries on, I’ll always
think back to the relationships I’ve built and work on. My warning
sign will be when I go into isolation and want nothing to do with the
only things that ever pull me out of these horribly fucked up
sadistic empty shithole places. I fucking hate everything; including
the shit I’m under the impression I “have to” do in order to
keep pretending I’m capable of changing any of it.
