It's
a lie for me to think I'd be happy to see her go off with someone
else. It's a lie to think that she doesn't care about me enough and
that's good enough reason to just forget about her. The truth is
exactly what it says in the bible. If she's not part of my life the
pain in my heart would cause the loss of part of my soul. Over and
over I want to just keep saying it, she doesn't care, it couldn't
happen, I'm not worth it, and I still can't make myself believe it. I
ask God to just take her or me away from the situation. Put me
somewhere else to "learn from his grand plan." I don't want
to be the guy with his arm around a girl one day telling her "there's
no one I'd want to be here with than you," and know its
completely untrue. I want this inner sickness to subside. I don't
want my stomach to keep hitting the floor. I don't want to misthink
everything I do or say. The times when its not complicated, where no
one's around to just distract her or make the air in the room weird
are so wonderful. Why would hold my hand on that bus ride, why call
me pet names and her "love," why won't she just tell me to
go away. I could do it with an honest, "give up." Am I
really meant to suffer like this all through college, all the way
until I get my super awesome business, all until I've gone to church
every Sunday and done whatever else tasks he's not faithful I could
do without her? When someone becomes your very will to live how do
you justify cutting them out? Too tired to wake up….wait, fccla,
I'll get to see her. I don't want to go to some concert…..o ya
nikki will be upset if I'm not there to cover the part. Wow I'd
really like to cuss this dude out….She hates cussing its not worth
it. All that little crap that I'd never think about with anyone else.
No one else could've gotten me to see God and actively pursue ways of
understanding him than her. I don't pray every night and read the
bible now because it looks good to her. I don't write blogs so she'll
read my pain and be guilt tripped into feeling something for me. I
don't even try to work her friends over so they can play my hand for
me. I just want my chance, my time to make this girl who apparently
doesn't even think she feels pretty, to be a queen. Its getting
sickening this feeling, I can't take it anymore and am about to break
down again. I'm not a generally depressed person, I had something of
a moral code in the past, nothing to be wrong until I found true
happiness. And its making me feel worse than I've ever felt. My luck
its not true and all the while I've plunged into some depth of
insanity. It can't be true if she doesn't care about me right. I
can't be the one who's supposed to make her happy if in like a day
she's trying to get ash's approval for some kid at work for her to
date. I'm not gonna play like its alright anymore, I simply can't. it
hurts too much to put on a face and I'm constantly reminded of why I
don't like to do it. I had my one mini miracle that took the pain out
of my heart. I asked if the spirit was with me, going through all the
same feelings, and it went away. If that means God wants to help me
along the way with this struggle or have me push it away I don't
really know. I don't want to hit any point close to where that "lost"
blog came from but it seems like I'm on some exponentially increasing
path that wants to shoot me there. Even talking to Tapper reveals
that Fucking Dickhead Donnie is saying the same shit I am. How great
am I supposed to feel about that. Why can't I use that even to help
justifying pushing her away. Is she that
great a person? That beautiful, that moral, that perfect…I couldn't
feel any sicker or worse about anyone that wasn't. One of the main
reasons I'd want to be rich would be to open doors for ways to please
her. I have these visions of grand parties where all my friends are
crowed around just being happy and living and sharing. And when I see
these parties its just me, going around mingling, whatever. I never
see myself getting to adore her. I prolly am too crazy about her.
Fuck it, I'M NOT, I'm not, I can't, and I won't get over her. WHY? Is
getting over her getting over God. Is pushing this window of
enlightenment out the door a spike in my soul. I can feel so many
things weighing on my motivation. I try to talk to a pastor, of
course he's stressed out and can't get back to me for a month or so,
all of God's servants are supposed to suffer, he just won't tell them
why. I try to talk to Tapper and he just agrees with the most b/s
thing I could think of and be irrational about. Ash sends me to her
dad or gives me some look and an "o well that sucks."
Nicole, "every possible way to make you feel bad about living,
according to the bible, God forbid I think for myself" Why am I
giving a fuck about trying to nice and selfless and about someone
else. All its leading me into is people with more drama and issues
than even their God seems to be helping them with so how the hell
would nething I'd like to say help like it does with people who
aren't so wrapped up in this spiritual force affecting their lives.
Good news, I've seen Star Wars also, we actually do have something in
common. Before, I had my random acts of perversion, my advice skills,
friends who I enjoyed being around. Now I feel like I can't be in any
group. I'm either not good enough, or can't make myself feel bad or
perverted enough to make the old things funny again. I'm not an
isolation type person unless its by choice and not being able to fit
in with friends on a deeper lever can't possibly be part of the plan
to make things get better. You know getting angry at everything at
least takes my mind off of my stomach. I don't try to push blame on
people because no ones done anything but try to be nice and Godlike.
It's turning out though that that isn't enough. I felt closer to her
when I acted more like Justin who pisses me off beyond all belief
with how her treats her like some sexual rag doll to be played with
until some big titted hoe calls his name. The world I'm surrounded in
disgusts me and the only means of survival is to play along, I'm sure
God loves that notion….I'm sorry I'm not good enough, I'm sorry
that I've let myself go through all this for some simple "life
sucks and love hurts" lesson, I'm sorry that any time I try to
be nice or want to change in the back of my head I'm thinking
something like "o perfect time to be humble, God will change me
now, maybe this deep and cool blog will show how much I'm really
feeling bad." I don't know how else to deal with it all then to
just lay it all out on the table. I really think that in a flash I
could become this terrible person. Break me down the point of
absolute isolated, non caring, hatred, and yes I will snap, forsake,
change completely. If that's some outlandish bullshit then my
challenge to God is to prove me wrong. I don't know how to pray
because my ignorant bliss of the past was just that. And diving head
first into this "battlefield" is not doing anything but
fucking me up.
