So
I said I would give up everything and do anything for love and I
don't believe I've held myself accountable for that. I want that too
good feeling and inner glow of those who know happiness. I no I'm in
love and not obsessed because I cherish the feelings I get when I'm
with dream girl not just the fact that she's a warm body in the room.
Sharing the moment just enjoying the same space. The fulfillment of
just talking or having a good time. Saving hair from her comb would
be obsessive and putting her before God, not to mention really
freakin creepy. I'm taking on Tapper as an accountability partner,
hitting church on Sundays, and guarding my thoughts for love. It's
worth it. And obviously the route I'm headed in is only taking me
towards blogs like the last one. God compels your feelings and
basically I can't fail if I take the initiative. I have no more
excuses and can't doubt that she'll "see" me or that God's
plan is flawed and doesn't work for me unless I sincerely just
change. I tell people all the time how simple things are and
everything is defined by how you look and think about it. How
hypocritical can I be if I don't follow my own advice right? I know I
can stop and I know I'll be able to do it easier with holy help. I
already know what giving in to sin does to you and how it makes you
feel. I know how little and bad I feel when I see some past mistake
walk past me in the hallway. But as far and as fast as you can fall
it only takes asking for forgiveness to put it in the past. That
Relient K song keeps popping into my head "who I am hates who
I've been" and I really want that to be the case. Dream girl
will see when God is working through me. I wouldn't want anything
less. I want to make her happy and can't do it without Him. I want to
make good on every promise I've made to her. I always hear "God
has someone in store for you so great you can't even imagine it"
and when it happens you know. I know, and therefore I refuse to let
myself get to me. I know it'll be hard at times. I'm sure I'll crash
like crazy and hate and be unable to catch myself, but consistent
work, accountability, and responsibility will make those times look
like nothings. I keep rehearsing what I would say during that time
when we all try to explain the sins in our lives to God. Standing
there totally helpless to the might just like beaming all around. Do
I just say "I gave up, didn't care, lost out and made excuses,
please send me to hell." Or "I did what I could, I tried to
change, I pushed towards the feelings you arose in me, I had faith
and everyday after I fell or messed up I tried again and pushed and
talked and worked to get my head straight, if that isn't more telling
of who you intended me to be than any of the things I did wrong along
the way then that's up to you." For the record all the "I
flew around the world helping people" dreams people type
connections with God I think are bad acid trips and terrible ways of
relating to people. And you know I can still have my opinions and be
a good Christian. God wants you when your down when your heart feels
as bad as mine did the other night. And its so much easier to see why
he says that when you've reached that point. Its actually scary and a
real thing to fear. So basically I'm just going to be all that I
preach. I will do anything to keep the love. The "search"
and "path" are all in the individual efforts and God wants
me to break down to be built up. I feel such strong things for only
that
girl
and can openly see all that's presented to me. There's a reason
right? So I'm not letting my dramatic nature let me fail. If I turn
my life around, am forgiven and can start again, work towards being
the person worthy to be shown off and actually give up and be that
living sacrifice God wants and things don't work out, then and only
then can one justify losing faith. And I don't believe that point is
reachable and if I can be an example to show others who are thinking
they've "done all they could" and "suffered so much"
that times can't get better and God isn't there for them then and
show or explain to them other ways to look at life and better methods
of getting over their own minds that plague them as much as mine does
then that can only add to the fulfillment I seek in being used as one
of His tools. I'm going to tie up the loose ends and try to keep
things on the mello and stress free keel I like. I don't have to deal
with half the crap in my life as Dream Girl does so I really do owe
it to myself and God to show that I can. Living for someone/thing
else and finding yourself…..act, and make it happen.
