There's something I find very
troublesome about being human. It's worse than troublesome, but I'm
hoping to keep a more jovial tone. It's not something I think can be
helped, nor is it necessarily malicious. It's opportunistic. And I'm
hard-pressed to not avoid using the word naïve. I've gone with the
word “selfish” in the past, which has had a double meaning
depending on context. But I think this is more nuanced. This isn't a
bratty child nor being objectively involved in your long term
well-being, as I would ascribe selfish. This thing is a word I hope
to find by the end.
Perhaps it's a form of self-indulgence. There's a certain amount of pleasure one gains from dictating their next move. Being arbiter of your own fate, so to speak, even if that fate is just leading you towards the refrigerator. Granting yourself a delicious reward for exercising your legs and putting your idea in motion. You understood yourself to be hungry, now revel in the ability to so quickly and effectively meet your need. Good show.
Perhaps it's a form of empathy. It can be awesome to be illuminated by the light of someone else. Follow sports? None of your players are even from the city you cheer for, sometimes neither are you, but dammed if you don't all feel good under the same banner if they win a championship. So far, you've indulged in an opportunistic chance to empathize with a sense of purpose or pride that, by all accounts, isn't really yours to have but for your ability to feel in spite of your circumstances. Lucky you.
Perhaps you couldn't possibly help yourself. Without these systems for reward and happiness, where would we find the strength to continue on? If I'm not after a fix, what's my guide? Surely I feel this way for a reason, no less! And why would you sound like you're trying to make my good feelings bad? What shame or guilt lies in my investment of sport or comfort food? Quite the chore trying to adequately surmise what either means particularly to you, I'd say.
Perhaps it's a form of self-indulgence. There's a certain amount of pleasure one gains from dictating their next move. Being arbiter of your own fate, so to speak, even if that fate is just leading you towards the refrigerator. Granting yourself a delicious reward for exercising your legs and putting your idea in motion. You understood yourself to be hungry, now revel in the ability to so quickly and effectively meet your need. Good show.
Perhaps it's a form of empathy. It can be awesome to be illuminated by the light of someone else. Follow sports? None of your players are even from the city you cheer for, sometimes neither are you, but dammed if you don't all feel good under the same banner if they win a championship. So far, you've indulged in an opportunistic chance to empathize with a sense of purpose or pride that, by all accounts, isn't really yours to have but for your ability to feel in spite of your circumstances. Lucky you.
Perhaps you couldn't possibly help yourself. Without these systems for reward and happiness, where would we find the strength to continue on? If I'm not after a fix, what's my guide? Surely I feel this way for a reason, no less! And why would you sound like you're trying to make my good feelings bad? What shame or guilt lies in my investment of sport or comfort food? Quite the chore trying to adequately surmise what either means particularly to you, I'd say.
Perhaps it's flatly ignorant. You get nowhere thinking about the
people who can't eat while you're eating, so of course remain
ignorant to the real extent of the plight. You don't want to worry
about commercialism, waste, or exploitation when the next game comes
on or all-star player's history is depicted in such a compelling way
you're getting his name tattooed next to your heart. The world gets
easier with a singular focus and many would argue you're quite happy
and healthy “doing whatever it is the thing you do.”
Perhaps it's kind of embarrassing. You know how you said that thing, but you didn't really feel that thing, but you didn't quite have the words to clarify and your phone was off and you couldn't respond in time so you just figured that it would work itself out until you got that one text from so and so and you realize that shit, you probably should have paid more attention to your phone and told so and so that you were actually going to do that and actually meant that you were feeling like 20% this and 80% that, but it would have been totally cool were it not for if things went a different way. My bad.
Perhaps it's an excuse. Maybe you know full well, but can't admit it. Maybe you understand perfectly, but can't be bothered. Maybe it's so easy to form protracted prose in defense of oneself that the consequences of doing so have become so normalized as to become invisible.
I guess I'll just call it kinda sad.
Perhaps it's kind of embarrassing. You know how you said that thing, but you didn't really feel that thing, but you didn't quite have the words to clarify and your phone was off and you couldn't respond in time so you just figured that it would work itself out until you got that one text from so and so and you realize that shit, you probably should have paid more attention to your phone and told so and so that you were actually going to do that and actually meant that you were feeling like 20% this and 80% that, but it would have been totally cool were it not for if things went a different way. My bad.
Perhaps it's an excuse. Maybe you know full well, but can't admit it. Maybe you understand perfectly, but can't be bothered. Maybe it's so easy to form protracted prose in defense of oneself that the consequences of doing so have become so normalized as to become invisible.
I guess I'll just call it kinda sad.
There's something I find disturbingly
reassuring in “bad” people. They have a purpose. They have a
drive. You can rely on them, albeit to do that wrong thing, but
dammit if you can't rely on them. Rely on their character. Rely on
their motivation. Rely on their insubordination, immaturity, greed,
treachery, or propensity to make your life a hassle in a few fairly
predictable ways. You couldn't ask for more structure. What's the
worst you have to look forward to? Them becoming good people? Well
fuck, now you have to find another fuck-up and learn their ticks.
Annoying, but manageable.
“Good people” are the problem. Good people take for granted. They're plagued by all the nuance and weirdness of the stuff above. Good people rely on their environment to keep a familiar structure in place that informs them that they are still, in fact, good...enough...people. You hear constantly that “most of the world is good.” Most people aren't killing each other or stealing or raping. Most people don't really give a shit these things are happening! Provided it's not to them. To me, it simply misses the point.
Statistics on murder rates or declines in violence don't speak to what it means to be human intrinsically. It's accounting for a kind of environment we're attempting to cultivate, half-assedly or accidentally, that tends to reflect in less murder, stealing, and rape as long as certain conditions are met. It's superficial. When shit hits the fan, everyone's a hoarder, potential murderer, or looking to get in one last score. The handful of angels that would rather die than adapt will surely be sitting at the right hand of the Father.
“Good people” are the problem. Good people take for granted. They're plagued by all the nuance and weirdness of the stuff above. Good people rely on their environment to keep a familiar structure in place that informs them that they are still, in fact, good...enough...people. You hear constantly that “most of the world is good.” Most people aren't killing each other or stealing or raping. Most people don't really give a shit these things are happening! Provided it's not to them. To me, it simply misses the point.
Statistics on murder rates or declines in violence don't speak to what it means to be human intrinsically. It's accounting for a kind of environment we're attempting to cultivate, half-assedly or accidentally, that tends to reflect in less murder, stealing, and rape as long as certain conditions are met. It's superficial. When shit hits the fan, everyone's a hoarder, potential murderer, or looking to get in one last score. The handful of angels that would rather die than adapt will surely be sitting at the right hand of the Father.
We're not guided by anything but a
messy landscape of vague “morals” and behaviors that generally
tend to not piss people off and generally satisfy our needs or at the
very least keep us alive under whatever paradigm we're born
into.
Breaking Bad anyone? How slowly can you blur the line until we're comfortable with being bad? This is why, for me, it's easier to just conceive that people “are.” I don't read into their motivation or speculate what they're getting out of what they're doing, so I'm not hats off and applause when things seem to go well nor terribly surprised or let down when they don't. At least not professionally.
This changes with a conception of friendship or family. You tend to believe these people have your well-being at heart. You don't think they're out to get you. You've been able to trust them with information or tasks that when left to their own devices still work in your benefit. And dammit! You would theirs as well. It's why you have to be careful about who you're letting into that family, as they may cause you to subtly change your perspective enough to blind you to what you've become or are justifying.
Breaking Bad anyone? How slowly can you blur the line until we're comfortable with being bad? This is why, for me, it's easier to just conceive that people “are.” I don't read into their motivation or speculate what they're getting out of what they're doing, so I'm not hats off and applause when things seem to go well nor terribly surprised or let down when they don't. At least not professionally.
This changes with a conception of friendship or family. You tend to believe these people have your well-being at heart. You don't think they're out to get you. You've been able to trust them with information or tasks that when left to their own devices still work in your benefit. And dammit! You would theirs as well. It's why you have to be careful about who you're letting into that family, as they may cause you to subtly change your perspective enough to blind you to what you've become or are justifying.
But I've had to carry on for so long as
if we don't have a choice. When I believe we have a choice, my day is
basically ruined. If everyone is actively doing and saying the things
they do, in their most earnest, and this is the best we get, I don't
think I can spend another night in this hotel. If we're meant to fly
by the seat of our pants through this blob of ever-morphing concepts
of self that seem to contradict and shit on everything around
us...just ugh. It would be interesting, but that's provided you were
actually trying to get somewhere.
I wear the badge of “bad person” as a kind of honor. I know when I can call upon the worst demons, of all of our nature, to get what I want, or at the very least, get done what seems necessary. I tend to do. I tend to mean what I say. I tend to feel it, and think it, and spend much time defending it. I choose. And I usually feel like I know why I'm choosing. It's why I feel like I know why I'm choosing to quit.
I wear the badge of “bad person” as a kind of honor. I know when I can call upon the worst demons, of all of our nature, to get what I want, or at the very least, get done what seems necessary. I tend to do. I tend to mean what I say. I tend to feel it, and think it, and spend much time defending it. I choose. And I usually feel like I know why I'm choosing. It's why I feel like I know why I'm choosing to quit.
You may not even recognize a change,
but for the discernible future, I'm done. I don't get depressed or
anxious or suicidal, I detach. I can feel the pull of, whatever it is
about other people that just seems “kinda sad.” It looks like
selfish, it feels like dumb, IF ONLY it was explicitly either. I
think I can see the end game. I think I understand that even when
it's good, I just haven't finished reading the story. I can't take
the headache of worrying about it. At least not right now. It's not
an indictment, I'm not angry, it's just a choice.
