You know what's kind of the worst thing
ever? It's not just feeling alone, but preparing yourself for what's
seemingly inevitable loneliness.
I go on and on about manipulation. You'd think that was the paramount achievement of my personality. I can't escape it even if I tried. So what prompts me to try?
My feelings are fleeting...at best. Whether I'm angry or sad or orgasmically elated, if you don't consider it fleeting, you've really missed the point. So I made the mistake of relating my “sadness” feeling to someone I care about, and it kinda went to shit. The take away is that I don't blame her. It really stands to reason where she's coming from. But it doesn't speak any less to the proverbial amount of shit I feel shat upon.
It's hard to explain exhaustion without anger. I don't blame. I don't want her to change. I just want to believe in communication. And, realistically, I'd be willing to capitulate to all sorts of shit I didn't find that true in order to keep her happy. Call that being a pussy ass bitch, but whatever. It's really less important than maintaining a dynamic I love and respect.
Of course you could argue that being able to discuss any and all issues is why I've been able to develop such a dynamic, then I have to go, “fuck you asshole, making me have to explain shit in detail and shit, fucker.”
I've overwhelmingly downplayed emotionality. I think you can feel something, and behave otherwise. It's the key component to combating people who would otherwise manipulate you. If you can assume someone's got an agenda, but yours is louder, it doesn't matter, therefore we get along. This does not mean I denigrate emotionality. It simply means there's an opportunity to make a choice.
I'm really good at making it bad. I'm perhaps too comfortable with being prepared for everything to go to shit. It's a bias. I can't really think it's terribly helpful, but it's a sort of professional nihilism.
See, I want it to be easy. I know how to make it easy. I'm really good at creating a world in which the decisions flow and your place makes sense. I just don't have it right now. And that's frustrating. If there's one area in which I'd like to take pride in social manipulation, it'd be this.
I can't win. The game I'm playing means that I will always end up with the short end of the stick. I'll try. I'll be a wordy mother fucker. I'll subtly tweek this or that for years on end and wake up practically where I starter. This I don't find disheartening. It's when I explain this to people I trust who in turn think I'm applying it to them that I get kicked in the balls. Shit. Really, fucking shit.
You can say “oh well” or you can persist and cross your fingers. I think it would be an unnecessary indictment of people I decide to care about to write them off and throw my hands up. So then you get to struggle with their skepticism and perpetual doubt whilst maintaining “hey nigga, you're a real friend” dialogue. It's ever so fun. (No the fuck it isn't)
I don't want you to believe in in a moment. I want you to look at my overall behavior. Moments lie even when you don't want them to. It's so easy to take a compelling reaction from someone and paint their personality. It's hard to remember everything they've been or purported to be for you. I'm lost if you take a snapshot.
I'm always going to get fucked by my propensity to take chances. You can't not give a fuck and also be afraid of letting it all lay out. I'd rather do that. I literally want you to feel how bottom my stomach goes. I want you as empty as I care about what you think. But fuck me if I don't want you to appreciate you as much as I do in all the things I don't think or do when I think about you. It's too easy for me to write people off. It's too easy for you not to matter for a fucking second. Like, fuck you if you make me play that game with our relationship.
