I want to run with a more positive
idea. I often refer to how people behave and what they engage in as
circle-jerking. Their avoidance of fact and reality perpetuating a
mental stability and
happiness that throws
caution to the wind and whose goal is the bad kind of selfish.
Surely, from a big picture, this is all we can expect as there is no
grand determined right and wrong and the idea of “holding on for
dear life” is as effective as anything else. I want this to stop
ringing as such a bad thing for me.
I
don't so much have a problem with what people do. I don't care if you
are the best heart surgeon or video game developer. I find an “equal”
kind of happiness in thinking I can get my heart repaired as
enjoyment from a compelling story. I would take this a step further
and say that maybe finding any form of artistic expression,
specialized hard fought experience that gives you a rare and valuable
opinion, is one of the noblest forms of purpose.
What's really
bugged me is the lack of consciousness and awareness. When you say
something without the opposite of, or what would make it wrong,
ringing in your mind at the same time. When you pursue things
“because.” When you judge and blame, and feel everything while
forgetting your responsibility or role.
It speaks to my
personality. Why do I keep making the same kinds of jokes with the
same “inappropriate” themes? If it gets a rise out of you, you
may not be aware of the role it plays in your life. If you feel bad
before you wonder why I said something, it's an opportunity. You can
either learn something about me, or yourself in the context of me, or
I can learn I don't necessarily want to be around you. Win win. But
even when it's just delving into a person's life, it's the same
search.
I don't have
something deeply invested in anyone else's relationships. Maybe I
want to fuck around with your girlfriend, but that plays
significantly less a role in how I talk to them or what about than
you'd care to believe. And don't let me pigeon hole the word
relationships because I mean it to be about any and every one you
choose to have. Sometimes it's a happy accident that you had the best
parents or grew up with the best friend. But it doesn't have to be
that way and I think it's downright destructive when you try to force
something to work beyond all evidence to the contrary.
It's
never been enough for me to “just do it.” I can't just have a
girlfriend or just get a degree, or just own a business. It's
genuinely more satisfying to rot
if I don't understand my motivation. I don't quite understand the
point is all. I don't understand getting invested if you don't
believe in something and if you're going to believe in something, you
damn well better make sure you know why. “Why” is the privilege.
Why is the only thing we do that nothing else does, as far as we
know. Knowing why seems to hold a special kind of dignity. This would
explain why so many people claim they really do in fact
know why!
You can set
yourself up to do better. Musicians who just pump out albums because
they can or there is some unreasonable expectation from their label
surely feel the criticism from betrayed fans. Look at a Youtube
channel that was brilliant in it's first 100 episodes when the 16
year old had nothing but time and creativity until they got a sponsor
and had a quota. When you know why you're doing it, you know why or
when you should stop. The example you leave won't be a brand, it will
be your intention. You can say “because I'm an entertainer” not
“because I had no choice.”
“Why”
opens up the world of choice. It makes you contemplate any moment. It
makes you constantly have to justify and reinforce that what you're
doing is in line with who you are
or how you actually think. It can obviously be a paralyzing force as
well, which may not be a bad thing. Maybe you do more than hesitate
to do something stupid and just decide to appreciate why you
shouldn't do it. Or, of course, knowing explicitly why you did
something stupid is just as satisfying.
I think a lot of
people don't like the word or find an easy way to answer it because
they constantly arrive at “I don't know.” As if that's a terrible
thing. To not know something and at least be aware of that fact is
better than charging head first into the darkness. It also can be a
great place to start gathering more information so you can start
knowing. I think the defensiveness kicks in about here. If you start
to not really know why you believe in god, or love your partner, or
pursued a career, BY GOD! WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU KNOW!? It's easy to
claim something makes you happy when you haven't defined happiness or
bother yourself with justifying that definition.
In
this way I'm slightly worried about creativity and mass produced
entertainment. I'd like to believe that you had to be “good” to
start garnering an audience or leave a lasting impression. Anymore,
as long as you can be
talked about,
it seems to suffice. You don't have the new take, the fresh look, the
next big thing, or even make a fair point. Things just are or aren't
“marketable.” They mesh well with this eras buzzwords. They have
a look that resembles that big thing, oh you know from a month ago,
but with bigger tits.
I think the more whys you answer, the more you can flesh out your
personality. You can do more things that speak to your subconscious,
your feels as translated through your thoughts. One of the ways I
avoid staying in a perpetual state of distress and hatred is to
remind myself of how little I yet know. That's frustrating in and of
itself for sure, but as much as I'd love to point a million fingers,
I always sink back into my gut knowing it's not the whole story. And
if I can't know the whole story, what theme should it carry that
makes it one worth learning from or telling?
And
it's this “Human Story” that I want to contribute towards and
have people take away from. I'd love to inflate the theme with air only I
can blow. If I'm even remotely different, let alone different in an
“important” way, whether you catch one thing I do or read
everything I've ever done, I'm nothing if I'm not speaking towards
why. If I'm a process it's a fools game to consider yourself with the
beginning and end. I'd rather be an example than left up to
interpretation. Spilling paint on a canvas isn't art. I would hope
that why they did it was compelling.
