Let’s
talk motivation. Say you’re interviewing a psychopathic killer. If
they worked for the mob, their reasons to kill can range from “he
pissed me off” to “I was getting paid.” There isn’t an
emotional component; it’s simply about what they were expected to
do or what they were going to get out of it. But, say your killer is
the Iceman, who has a clear emotional attachment to his family. He
can choke a guy out over his back and not bat an eye, but the idea of
not being with his family while in prison makes him tear up.
I
want to know why people are so pushed to go places in their heads.
Why is the brain so segmented into seemingly non-overlapping parts?
Where did I go and why did I choose to be so motivated to learn about
something in the past? How and why does that motivation change with
new information, and are those changes good, bad, or arbitrary?
I’m
dreading the idea of getting a normal job and working all the time
despite my bigger motivation to make and save money. When I look at
my capacity, I’m not allowed to doubt myself. Now, I understand
Jay-Z believes it ain’t about where you been it’s about where you
goin, but if I start pretending I know where I’m going, things are
just going to get messy. I’m a conditional being after all, with
maybe the worst case of presumptive intentional ego and free will
that can exist.
It’s
just the clarity with a goal in mind is unmistakable. You don’t
read, you search and prepare an argument. You don’t talk, you
persuade. You don’t suggest, you order, and people listen. It’s
brilliant. I think what might put me back in that mode is currently a
goal that feels out of reach. At least, out of reach if I’m to go
about getting it while also adhering to a set of conditions that tend
to bode happiness and are fairly easy to defend. Let
that shit go and I’m practically a slave were it not for all the
money I’d be making.
The
“emotional” component to my motivation is more of an
invigoration. It’s not “this makes me happy.” It’s cycling
through the laundry list of implications and potential and never
being able to shut it off. It’s something I know I can use to
motivate or educate other people. It’s the precursor disposition
for what’s needed to dramatically change someone.
Is
it worth it to “mock” that for something that simply isn’t
worthy? By what “right,” if we’re to believe in such things and
maintain a semblance of order and respectability, do I subject that
or ignore that or hand it over to the highest bidder? No one will
value my time like I do, so why should I play along? I think I might
just have a big problem with a limited perspective on ANYTHING else I
could do to find a work around. Problem being, everyone else seems to
be out of ideas as well. There’s a million ways to make money and
spend time, there’s like a handful of ways to do it correctly.
How
you define what’s correct is all about what you decide to obligate
yourself towards. If killing people equaled a paycheck, sure you got
what you wanted and didn’t get caught, but it’s hard to say you
got the money in the right way. Is “killing yourself,” or at the
very least suffocating or ignoring ideas for money, worth it? See
Wall Street, or lawyers.
My
concern is the realm of ideas, and I’m supposed to knowingly
trample on mine and expect people to find good reason to stick behind
theirs? I’d have a kill switch against anything I’ve ever
advocated for at the level of mind. Talking myself into a shitty
situation is not the same thing as acknowledging “how things are”
and it is likely better to consider something as beyond the reach of
my circumstance than capacity.
The
clichés don’t work. Persistence is most likely to get you
somewhere, it’s not guaranteed. Every one person you see loving
what they do, there’s thousands who didn’t know what else they
were going to be able to. It’s not enough to be smart or motivated.
It’s not enough to be nice or genuine. There’s a whole world to
contend with. The day I “get my shot,” which is a horribly small
way to state it given the circumstances I was born into, it will be
because someone with a little (or lot) more money sees that I’m a
workhorse or have thought a lot about something. I’ll be only and
just as good as when I threw on ankle weights to run through and
clean theaters.
And
then what? I do something that catches on and I run the media
circuit? Two idiots in Colorado get to put all the tv channels on
their budget web page because they’ll cook you a burrito and clean
up after a party. Brilliant entrepreneurs? I bet you’re dying to
look up their interviews on Youtube this second. Or maybe I just do
something personally gratifying. Let’s cross our fingers I’ve got
a moral core in tune with what will also logically and calculably
account for the positive change I bring the planet. This, just so it
can inevitably change again. Because who knows if we’ll ever decide
to cement things like honesty or accountability into our culture for
good.
I
can’t seem to find those middle ground people. Ones who start with
a philosophy but don’t ignore what may be required practically. You
either get hippies or whatever it is “normal” people say and do.
Or you get people with excellent advice if we pretend they didn’t
have a giant backdrop to suggest, provide, and work in for their
“insight” that isn’t always readily available or scalable to
your problem.
Keep
in mind, I’ve all but signed away everything but the memory of a
flame on the candle I hold in my heart for humanity. That could
change, but it doesn’t seem like it will any time soon. It’s only
the sheer weight of demoralizing sadness with the idea I can’t
shake off. Lucky me.
