So it’s not so much
about pursuing happiness as it is about avoiding suffering. To avoid
something is to put it outside of your mind or turn it into something
different. Avoidance typically plays out in some form of denial, but
when it’s projected, it’s dramatically trying to shape the
context to fit some form of twisted logic. I think you only do this
when you are haunted by your logic engine of a brain. Every time you
turn your key and expect your car to start or pick your nose ever
assured you’ll get a booger, your mind is using that logic. Cause
and effect is always in play and you can recall familiar
circumstances.
Denial serves a purpose;
it has much utility. There are a million different things at any one
time we’d like to think are not true. We know what it looks like.
Maybe you have a parent that refuses to accept something fundamental
about your personality. Maybe you have a friend who’s in a
ridiculous relationship under the hypnosis of superficial bells and
whistles. Maybe you reassure yourself every day because what other
choice do you have?
I’m a bad messenger. I
have something that I, capital K, Know about everyone. It is the only
reason I, when I try, always get what I want, it’s the only reason
I know how to make you mad, and it’s the only thing that’s ever
given me power over tear ducts. I just can’t seem to convince
everyone that they know it too.
What I Know makes me
cynical. I know relationships are conditional, often convenient, and
not a fairy tale. I know how good you feel, I know what questions are
struggled with; I know what things you should be doing and saying and
feeling in a good one. You do to.
I Know what it’s like to
try to believe in God. I know what it is to question, resolve myself
to fate, and be afraid of what I’ve done or said. I know what it’s
like to want to fit in with a “chosen” crowd or having some kind
of divine understanding. I know I’ve never heard or seen a sign,
never felt the love, nor have been moved by some other-worldly force.
You do to.
You know what’s likely
and unlikely. You know enough about human psychology and different
ways people feel or expression emotion. And if you don’t know, you
know Google exists and friends who have been there exist, and every
day you spend not addressing or thinking about something is a lost
opportunity.
I feel like in the event
there is no hope for humanity, if we’re patently too dumb and too
populated to enact any real form of change or longevity, I want to
ride it out on a wave of honesty. And if it isn’t yet honest, I
want the idea to be pursuing the honesty.
This plays out in
different ways. It’s someone asking me “how ya doing?” at work
and I say “not terribly well working here!” Only to meet a
disappointed face because I acknowledge my job is reinforcing poor
peoples’ alcoholism. It’s conversations with friends where I’ll
double down on a ridiculous statement or mean sentiment because it’s
infuriating and hurts to see things change for stupid reasons or to
struggle on behalf of dismissing stupid comments as any well-adjusted
and understood group of people should be able to do. I really do
blame my friends if they go home sad or angry that I called them a
pussy for something as trivial as not drinking. We clearly need to
better understand each other, or we’re clearly not really friends.
I think it bugs people I don’t mind pushing it. If I was upset by
something, I’d bring it up with the person. The onus is on me.
But to care about friends
is to suffer. To want the best while you watch them be too human, too
much like the rest of the world is painful. It’s worse when you
recall moments or nights when you were on the brink of something new.
When you remember the first time you thought to yourself, “you
know, I kinda like you, I think we’ll get along alright.” And it
isn’t just about friends. It doesn’t matter what you care about,
you’re asking to get hurt, and you’re walking a fine line
regarding how you define and relate your situation.
I prioritize things very
deliberately. It’s the only reason I ever hold my tongue. It
explicitly dictates where I spend my time. In order to do this, I
have to be more than comfortable defending the reasons I laid things
out in that order. I need to be principled. I need to have rules
that, when shaken, still speak to the overall intent. It’s why I’m
overly concerned with the idea of “circle-jerking.”
You could argue that life
is fundamentally a circle-jerk, and you’ll probably see my nodding
along for most of it. I’m not referring to circumstantial jerking,
I’m talking about choices. People get together because they’re
horny meat sacks intrinsically programmed to not feel bad and get
fucked circumstantially, but you choose to stay in a,
not-quite-right, situation for longer than you needed to learn your
lesson.
For me, it’s an exercise
thinking of the myriad of things I could potentially do to speak to
my ideas. If I care that we have homeless people, I could work at a
food bank. Have I really done anything beyond self-gratifying? A
trained monkey can put food on a tray and I arrest my perspective and
motivation between an apron and hairnet. Do I hand out eco light
bulbs because “every little thing counts” no matter how much I
know it doesn’t? Do I go back to school and get specialized degrees
because “a specific amount of money will guarantee something”
even though it absolutely won’t? It’s circle-jerking.
I don’t need to be loud
over a microphone because I’m so fly or so different; I need to by
saying something. I don’t really care about your day unless your
day made you think about all your other days and what it might do to
your days in the future. I don’t want to argue because I don’t
care and I don’t want to defend because I prefer to stand and
clarify instead of cower. I’m not “passionate” about anything
that doesn’t speak to how things actually work and I want to learn
how to breed novelty so it can inform a perspective. I need to prove
myself right, and I need to know that the language in which I do so
you are able to translate.
I didn’t feel like I was
circle-jerking in trying to keep my schedule open to hang out with
friends. I wanted memories. I wanted shared experiences and to keep
replaying the best parties and to allow people to keep being “kids”
for as long as possible. Part of me feels like I failed, but another
acknowledges that I didn’t go out of my way to manipulate. It just
feels like there would be something to regret in washing my hands of
these people, but I’m not positive that “something” is
universally acknowledged or felt.
I legitimately believe the
world is doomed. I don’t want to believe it, but I do. I think it
has nothing to do with people being evil, but I do think it has to do
with them being in a bubble. In a bubble is where you can deny. In a
bubble is where you can disavow. In a bubble you can paint anything
you want on the inside to obscure what’s happening outside. I think
“smart” people are easy to lose in their mental masturbation and
interpersonal anxiety. I think dumb people are fundamentally
overgrown scorned children who society gives license to unleash their
demons after 18 short years. I think the distance you experience with
any person or them to any topic is the bubble inflating. It gets
bigger and bigger and only deflates when they honestly acknowledge
they’re suffocating.
Lately, it’s been really
hard to breathe.
