I will say this
as concisely and honestly as I can. I do not seek to judge, I do not
pretend to have all or perfect knowledge, and I am not after a fight.
I’m writing after many conversations and avenues of feedback, and
matching those against my own observations. I hope before feathers
are ruffled a conversation can be had, and if it is shown that a ship
may be headed in the wrong direction, we can steer it back.
I feel the group dynamic changing. My
current theory is that it boils down to how the boys treat the girls.
I think there’s a lot of side bar conversations about what someone
feels verses where the other person is coming from or if there’s
just some over thought or insecurity playing into things. But,
ultimately I think those pale in comparison to a kind of respect that
seems to be slowly eroding.
I’ve got it in me to be as big a perv
as the best of them. Lately though, I find myself turned off to how I
hear girls in general talked about, or the endless awkward encounters
they seem to find themselves in when relating to our group. I think
there is a distance being put between our girl friends’ feelings
and the sort of “we’re so hot” persona. Whether it’s an
in-group out-group thing related to climbing or fitness, I don’t
know.
I can see an overzealous attitude or
misplaced confidence push “the group” apart. Particularly when it
comes to roping in our girls as one’s in a queue in between Okcupid
hookups. I feel like there has been a steadily increasing creepy
factor that shrouds the guy/girl interactions. Whether it’s
Asher-esc touching where no touching need be, or lingering hugs and
deep breaths just because someone’s going to bed or entered the
room, there’s a subtext. It’s like Mad Men, enter a room, pour a
drink, invite someone into the room, and pour another drink; I’m
hammered just watching before 10 am.
I now worry about introducing new
people into the group. Where once I was ridiculously proud and
interested in what a new cool personality would do around a bunch of
cool people, I’m significantly more worried about “the sharks
circling.” If I say “hey, I messaged Jen and brought her around”
the awkward what-the-hell-are-you-talking about response is to say
your percentage match is higher or you’ve spent more time texting
or making out with her. I’m not trying to compete, I didn’t
message her to eventually fuck, and that gets kind of lost when
everyone’s initial response is to caveman the conversation to some
level of “dibs.”
I’m concerned because I think the
people most likely to pick up on the how and why things are changing
are the same one’s we don’t see around as often. I’ve at least
been the asshole long enough who can watch and predict that if shit
got too wrong I could cut ties and go about my day. But the nice
people and the emotionally involved people or the willing
to make excuses for you/us people aren’t even up to it anymore.
Confidence, a concern for your health
or appearance, and even a good group of friends are no substitute for
humility. I don’t even want to pretend like I’m trying to point
fingers because I can conjure a good ten reasons, for each of our
friends, completely outside what’s been witnessed or talked about
that can speak towards how different things have played out. The only
“secret” to getting along with people or having a satisfying sex
life that I wish wouldn’t get lost is a sense of honesty and
respect for how you’re spending that time and who you’re doing it
with.
