[160] Not Feeling Good About Free Will

I've been thinking much about free will and the nature of choice. In all reality, my life isn't the least stressful and my general cheery(ha) demeanor is my attempt at staving off breaking down or snapping. I'd bet you know what it's like to have a problem, then two, then ten so on so forth. I'm trying to just write them down and devise a strategy for taking them on one by one. It isn't even the problems in and of themselves that really gets to me. What bothers me is the circumstances that led to them. Not just a bad decision here or there, but the nature of our decisions and why and how we make them. As often as I say I feel free, I'm not sure that is the case. I don't mind being constrained by things like food or the inability to flap my arms and fly. Aside from that, it feels like everything that can be done or said is restrained. Do you have a choice in the classes you take, or is there a set list that others have deemed good enough for you? Can you pick up and drive wherever you want or are there parking restrictions, rules of the road, components of the car that are inadequate that slow you down or distract you from the wind in your hair? The only thing that I've seemed to settle on that could break through this is money. Even when I want to throw a party and just hang out and enjoy time with friends, I still have to think about potential cops coming, noise violations, angry neighbors, Kool-aid spills, or someone puking over the balcony, all of which bring added stress and steps to the process of escaping.

When your angry you can't always hit the person you want. When your sick or depressed you can't even find time to yourself when you want. Right now I feel strangled by an idiot roommate, stupid classes, money for bills, responsibility to my dad, and lack of information I wish I had to make my plans come to fruition. I don't have a choice but to dig in and wait shit out. I don't have a choice but to follow every rule and regulation that keeps me in line and subdued. And quite honestly, I want to lash out like a mother fucker, but I can only see it leading to even more constriction and more drama. I've been relying on what I'd like to think is a strong enough will to quell stomach revulsions and snapping. I'm trying to keep the perspective of just being one of millions with more or less handleable problems. When it comes down to it though, it's still my life and my reality. I'm a spec on a spec getting ever smaller, and that fact should be humbling enough to make me not worry. Despite this, I'm not longer finding solace in my relationship with myself.

Sitting here in psyche as she tells us about our biology and what it means for anxiety disorders and maladaptive traits seems to add fuel to the fire. The thought that I might not be in control is frankly unacceptable. I don't believe in fate, even if there is no such thing as free will. I think there are suffering wills, broken wills, empty wills, but what good is a free will? The kind of freedom implies all the bad with the good. Free to contradict, lie, and pretend. There needs to be a wall between that potential for freedom. That wall, at least for me at this point, is constrained by all the wrong things. I want to be restricted by the potential for expression. All that's happening now is the slow tacking on process of "things I have to do." If "that's life" then life is pathetic. I would not want to live if I didn't have a (meager) hope for a way out.   

[141] Mostly Independent Not Quite Random Mini Musings

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 at 11:49pm

I get bored easy. It affects everything I do and everyone I meet. The only two things that have yet to bore me would be music and reading. For those of you following along or were wondering what the title of my last blog had to do with anything, I want to explore a new analogy I concocted. To me, people I meet are like songs. When I actually find a reason to call them friend or confidant they become a favorite song. Now being into music, you can imagine I have many favorite songs. If you listen to music then you know that while you'll probably always remember the words and enjoy the beat to one of them, if it played all day every day for months on end you'd get sick of it. Well, this is how it works for me and people. My ever growing play list includes hundreds of songs I fully know and some I can kinda remember for a cool beat or solo idea. Some I'd pay to see live four and five times, others I'd skip in a heartbeat if they didn't vibe with me that day. I feel this is also an appropriate analogy because I'm always listening to and watching these people and they don't realize it. No, not stalker, but paying more attention than I'd let on. Also, just like the majority of songs from Coldplay or U2, if I feel you sound like that, then it's fuck you I don't care what you think or say. But being the objective person I carry on to be, I'd have to acknowledge the redeeming qualities of almost anything none the less. I just hope the people I get along with don't end up on the radio.

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I feel like my clogged toilet is a metaphor for my life at the moment. Granted, this thing would clog if you pissed too much in it, but none the less. I still plan on taking over the campus, but like in every piling shit mound, there’s so much to work through before you can find nuggets of happiness.(assuming you managed to swallow anything worthwhile first) I still hate school, but I’m in the high B to mid C range appropriately as I predicted a few weeks ago, so there’s really nothing new there. I’m moving out of my apartment which smells like god only knows what, and I think it’s going to result in a little more than some of the people involved anticipate. I’m really dissatisfied with the management, but have refrained from going overtly dick and just cussing them out. I’m also rather disappointed in my roommates for bothering to move in in the first place with the apartment smelling as it does. I’m all but decided that I refuse to make my life consisting of a job that requires me to do the same sort of tasks over and over day in and day out. If that means I’m doing nothing and living rather frugally, then so be it. I’m failing at trying to be friends with more and more people because, call it coincidence, the vast majority of people are still exactly how I peg them to be. That isn’t to say that I have no good people to be around, but just as there are many different things you can get from different songs, I’m still looking and wanting more. I need to do such stupid things for the “flow” to progress a little better in my life, and I think my level of rating those things as retarded overrides my drive to finally get them over with.

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A perfect week.

I’m excited to wake up early, around 8 or 9 to run to a studio and hear the newly mixed tracks from a band I’ve been scouting and decided kicked ass enough for me to promote them. We go out to breakfast and don’t even glance at the menu, because price is no factor. I have a “car meeting” where business issues and task are discussed as I head to one of the many enterprises I’ve chosen to invest in. Say cooking perhaps, so I head to the kitchen and take part in learning some new dish or recruiting someone to be head chef at some function I have later in the week. After that I get word of some function or party going on across town, so I hit up as many friends that are free as possible and we rock the fuck out as we roll up in style. There’s a pool, lights, great music, and endless food. The party winds down and I head home where relaxing, perhaps a movie takes place and I get to fall asleep not worrying about when I have to wake up in the morning. The night’s over and I’m up. My house, being ever pimp, is situated on a lake so I grab friends, hit the boat, go water skiing, fishing, and other random water related shit for the better part of the day. We decide the area is boring and pack up to catch the next flight overseas. We arive in, say Paris, find some tour guide who knows where and how to have a good time and spend the rest of the day doing whatever the hell there is to do in Paris. This would of course lead to further traveling across Europe and almost certainly then Asia, if only four the next four days so I don’t have to keep coming up with specifics. We head back home just in time for the S.O.A.D reunion concert, coincidentally at one of my venues because I knew a guy who knew a guy who knows Serj. Now replace any activity with another you can imagine and I’d want to be doing that as well. Include a massive amount of books being finished on plane trips and guitar practice and I’m basically set.

4 comments

Stephanie Smith wroteat 4:13pm on October 22nd, 2008 I love the song and music analogy. It is really true though, and I actauyll find it quite funny that you think this way becasue I too have found myself thinking similarly. I wonder what that means for us though...will people ever be more than just the music that flows through our lives, ever-changing and always going: never to stop and stay a while with us? That is a question I find myself asking over and over again, perhaps you might be closer to understanding the answer than I, if so, let me know for I am still pondering it even as we speak. **Great write by-the-way Nico. Keep it up, before you know, your thoughts will be in a book somewhere so everyone can read them.** Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 4:45pm on October 22nd, 2008 lol I have soooo much writing, and have been told to put them in book, I'm just not cool enough to get published I think. Delete

Stephanie Smith wroteat 9:21pm on October 22nd, 2008 Haha thats great. I have been published once, last year, in a poetry anthology. May I read some of your other stuff sometime? Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 9:25pm on October 22nd, 2008 There isn't enough posted already? lol

[147] I Hate Being Confused

I hate being confused. My motivation is to find the steady state of mind. I probably hate people so much because they are so quick and apt at fucking with that. Or better said, my dumb-ass self allows them to do such. That's why it is easy to disregard them and forget. Once that's accomplished, the mind finds its way back to the path. There must be a reason that I would actively engage in activities which clog my otherwise mental effluence. There's always those opportunities to learn and grow right? You can't get anywhere if you remain complacent and happy. I feel this would make more sense if I felt either complacent or happy. I always just am with spurts that are happy and spurts that aren't. Perhaps it's exciting to feel vulnerable? When you put yourself out on a limb it's the ultimate chance to sink or swim. Any time one can “overcome” said situation, ego boost. A mere and meager ego boost? I like the idea more that it is a dramatic and exciting profession of who you really are and what your capable of. What then, when that ephemeral ego oversteps itself? A level of improvidence so great that you immediately regret your decision. Such times leave those dangerously indelible impressions, and prompt learned behaviors, that “act up” in lieu of more appropriate responses.

When you've reached a “flow” to your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able to remain salient?

I think this helps elaborate on why I fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous “testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are coming in the form of people.

There's no better place to learn about someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information. Well, something to work on right?

In the end it all comes down to honesty for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many, awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for mine.   

[140] So Many Favorite Songs

Monday, October 13, 2008 at 3:22pm

Why am I able to feel like I would be able to just not give a fuck about people I say I care about? I think I may be sick. The only way that something becomes "true" is an affirmation of its truth.(For the love of everything holy, don't apply this to how I view science) Action over words. It makes sense that I would contradict myself in words I suppose, especially after admitting and recognizing I am indeed a contradiction. Why are people then unable to just take my actions as a deeper signifier of truth or what I think? I am the pinnacle of what it means to be an empty shell with regards to "feelings." I remember as a kid not being terribly attached to people, but was terribly attached to my stuffed animals and blankets and such. There was a point in history where I did love my mom and actually worried for and cared about her. I guess I would have to say she'd be the first on my list of people I forced myself to break any emotional connection from. Then of course came "dream girl". I get to get all love minded and dramatic only to force myself to stop. Not necessarily stop caring, but absolutely douse whatever flame kept me awake at night and made her the only thing I could think about. I was pretty close to my grandma, then she went and had a stroke and is now brain dead. I suppose you could add her to the list of people I have to stop feeling/thinking about in terms of compelling love. She was the only one that I think really was able to convey more than the simple word. Your parents are almost trained to say it, and less we forget, are legally obligated to take care of you. My mom could then go on some spiel or invoke "motherly love," and then, I guess, not think twice about doing things that would seem to contradict it. I think I've been forced to develop either a kill switch or concrete buffer that keeps me from mentally fucking myself over people I used to care so much about. This is why I regard my actions as so important. They will tell people what they need to know. And, if on the off chance I come across people who actually understand anything about themselves and life, neither my tendency to manipulate nor my tenacity would be able to hurt them. I won't have to worry that by being me, I hurt people I care about. People simply don't understand this.

My dad would be an interesting case to look at. I would say I love my dad. He's always taken care of me and conveyed in it more ways then just saying it or creating a "take it for granted" vibe. Because I love my dad and try in greater measure than for others to regard his feelings, I allow myself to be inhibited towards things that I may not otherwise really give a shit about. This would seem in contradiction to my view that you should just "do you" no matter what other people think, and if it makes you happy without being overtly destructive then whatever. The kind of happiness or pride I get from dignifying my dad over someone else is simply what I choose to override my other "rule" that lies in contradiction. Is the system perfect, of course not, and I've fucked up plenty of times to hurt what I think about my dad and I's relationship. But, my honest tries to, my significant actions, are what keep me feeling justified or good about myself. I'm about getting to whatever point I can with someone, and sharing that level of relationship. I don't get hung up on what could have been or what I know could've been manipulated from something. I want every ounce of real, and am apparently willing to risk "disaster" for it. I want what's there, and won't fool myself about what's not.

This isn't the most reassuring message. I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to think and feel this way. I don't really know what this will mean for me years down the road. All I can really be sure of is that I'll never know when to shut up, and I won't stop looking for honesty and understanding. There was definitely part of me that liked to want, need, yearn, and love, and I know I could choose to behave like that again, but I don't think I can see the point any longer. I don't see what good it is to induce things in yourself that don't translate into anything more than tweaked brain chemistry. I don't have to be "lit up" to recognize the type of people that matter and what I want to be around. I will show those people just what they mean to me. It's too easy to be misunderstood with words, or induce your own meaning between what someone's told you. I don't really know what to tell those people who can't feel like this is good enough. It's the most honest I can be, and the best way I've come across to really understanding anything. I'd be better off not knowing how to illicit certain responses from others.

I don't like playing pretend, but I recognize when that seems to be the "only" option.

1 comment

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 10:24am on October 15th, 2008 Weak emotions IMO. I have them as well. It's extremely hard for me to care about almost anything. My suggestion is go into Criminal Justice and help with child pornography computer forensics. You get to see some of the most disgusting pictures made, analyze them, and determine who did what. Anyone with strong, prevalent emotions ends up getting therapy after 10 or so years. Anyone who can look at that shit without feeling anything is basically set for life.

[139] Bang Bang Shoot Em Up

Sunday, October 12, 2008 at 12:33am

People are pathetic. I say it openly, loudly, and freely as often as I can. Anyone want to venture a guess as to why I say it? People lie to themselves and everyone around them as often as they can in order to maintain some, if not any, semblance of order or status quo. I refuse to let people lie to themselves, and they hate me for it. But let us be clear, I do not feel that me simply pointing out what's already there somehow makes me a "dick." Sure, people don't want to be reminded of their problems or told everything about them that's wrong, but here's a hint, if those things don't matter or don't make you sad, then obviously I'm incorrect and there's nothing left to say. Take the other side of the coin then and ask yourself why my words do affect you if your so quick to say "ya I'm happy" and "that doesn't matter" to my criticism.

There are so many things to say about what matters and what makes you happy. Something matters when you make it matter. A chair is a chair until you deem it your favorite chair, if you want a simple example. If you see drinking and smoking as your "happy facilitators" then your biased and predisposed to finding all justifications for engaging in them. This is where the red flashing light goes off under the word pathetic. I saw a monkey in my psyche class who was "raised" by a wire mother, but would jump to a cloth mother signifying the importance of touch to the security and well-being of animals. I see people as that little monkey being raised by a wired mother, but unfortunately their smart enough to know it. So what do they do? They dress it up, they talk to it, and they get all their friends to remind them just how real and loving it truly is. I find that at this point my method, which takes a steamroller to the wire mother, is all too appropriate and necessary.

I was told to fix my problems before I went around pointing out all the flaws of other people. To this I responded "what are my problems." You see, I'm all for objective truths or evidence behind any assertions against me. What I got back was a stomp on the foot and a shot to the chest lol. O, and less I forget part of the reason for starting the blog, exploring the accusation that I'm a "dick." If I would try to make a list of my problems, the only one that would even be marginally significant is that I'm lazy and dismayed with big dreams. Consequently, I am trying at least to work on this, hopefully with the help and input of people I care about and respect. Okay okay, so you probably know there aren't so many of those and think I'm destined to fail lol, but no, it happens. Perhaps unfortunately for these people is that I demand a certain level of honesty about oneself in order venture down any further road of trust or enterprise. Call this an "ultimate game" of mine if you will.

I think part of the reason I seem rather stagnant is that I'm happy, but not complacent. As a person, what I'm about, the things that make me laugh, the people I actively try to hang with, the things I have, the support systems; all of that makes me happy. It is important to note that while I'm happy in those terms, I'm certainly well aware of and pissed off about many many other things. I am not complacent nor comfortable with the idea that things can't get better or that "some things just are." Unfortunately this does not mesh with other philosophies that so badly just want for things to be "happy" and "stable," despite whether it means lying or looking past the real issues.

In order to refrain from referring to myself as pathetic I feel it is my task to make you cry if you need to cry and endlessly question and doubt everything you tell me if I don't buy into your version of a "happy" existence. This is significantly much more the case when it comes to people I may feel compelled to invest in either emotionally or financially. Bottom line, I want my life to be about fun and the pursuit of something more than stuffy house parties and video games. If you can't handle that or don't agree with some aspect of my method, give me real reasons to change and surprise, I just might. I'm not just some emotionless void that wanders about looking for things to bitch at. Maybe I come off that way because my emotions don't last longer than they have to, for example, anger and the need to ridicule when I walk past of group of indistinguishable drunken partiers. This does not reflect my overall "lack of happiness" or "dick" nature though.

At the end of the day, I understand that it feels good to be an influence in someone else's life. I like the feeling of being the guy who started the event or conversation that changed an opinion or provided an opportunity. I will not compromise this goal by catering to just anybody. I can't have people spear heading something of this nature who don't know what it is, or even care what it is, to be happy.

3 comments

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 6:50pm on October 12th, 2008 About time you wrote something worth reading.. so many of my friends lately have been posting crap.... sigh.. anywho I'd almost agree with you when you say people are pathetic, though, I honestly think there's a better word to describe how i feel about them. Stupid perhaps.. unaware? ah.. it's not the point.. I feel much better when people around me are happy, even when i despise what it is they are happy about. I've tried many times to show people a different point of view, to get them to stop lieing to themselves and be who they are, but it's completely hopeless, especially if you go about it by making it feel like an insult to them. I have on several occasions had people at least stop lieing to me for the moment, and open up and show me who the really are, and explain why the do what they do. They revert back instantly, and don't see reason when i explain they shouldn't put up such as facade, but it's more progress then making them cry. Honestly Nick, you ARE a dick. I could of swore you've admitted as much, but i don't care to look for examples. However, if like you said, you realize this and it doesn't matter, or doesn't make you sad, then it's not really a problem to you. I understand your want for something more then house parties and video games, but for some people, that is enough to fool themselves into being happy. Criticism won't change that, it will only make them and those sympathetic to them upset and hostile. While I'm sure it won't happen, because I'm sure you've tried it in the past with about the same result as I have, try convincing people through reasoning with them, and being understanding. Report - Delete

David Dyer wroteat 9:35am on October 13th, 2008 What!? video games don't make me happy? fuck... Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:01pm on October 13th, 2008 lol no DAVE video games make you very happy.

[158] Benny Hin

I apologize in advance if part or all of this sounds redundant, but after watching a documentary on Benny Hin, I just got these overwhelming feelings of pity and fear.

One of the main things that bothers me about the religion and faith issue, is that no matter how hard I try to find the “good” that people keep talking about, I walk away feeling so troubled and frankly uneasy with what I see. Every time I try to offer the benefit of the doubt or grant a point for the sake of continuing a conversation, I feel like a massive train wreck is taking place. In my mind, religion is so absolutely alienated in its ignorance, corruption, hypocrisy, and outright delusion that I really do feel bad for people are apart of it. Most of these people have to pretend they hear a god talking to them, they have to wait, anxiety ridden, for some miracle to change their life. They have to deny and confuse the science that keeps them healthy. They have to feel guilty about how sinful they think they are. They feel obligated to contribute money, which they may not have. They get the same answers, use the same arguments, and experience the same roadblocks enlightened people overcame hundreds of years ago. Watching the faces of these people waving their arms together, struggling to get out of their wheelchairs (this one fat lady's face was gut wrenching), the retarded people getting petted and kissed by their families, all waiting for God's plan to include them getting better. This ridiculous notion of miracles. You know, miracles, the things that can range from surviving a surgery to being able to paint a house during the rainy season. Next time I get the toy I want in my happy meal, I suppose I should call that a miracle too.

Wouldn't you know that on the follow ups of the people falling to the ground after having been miraculously healed, they still had their illnesses, some alleged problems were contrived, and many just end up dieing like the doctors said they would. I mean to watch a mass of people, frankly pathetic people, all wishing and hoping and inciting is scary. And when I say pathetic, its for the multitude of reasons that brought them to where they are. I can understand wanting to believe in something, but your just plain fucking stupid, I don't care where your from or what you believe in, your plain fucking stupid if your being told one thing and irrefutably experiencing another. If your son dying of massive brain tumors, despite your last hope going to Benny Hin for a pat on the head, and you still trust the man and give him 2 grand a month that you don't have, your fucking stupid. People wonder why I say their feelings don't matter. It is situations like this that illustrate my view.

Your preachers, usually had troubled upbringing and had a knack for being creative or feeling certain things. They implement well known strategies to suggestible audiences which you can compare to both the Nuremberg rallies or football games. When questioned about their experiences they can openly admit to doubting whether its really God or just them. When questioned about specific evidences or history, a left turn is taken and they start to affirm everything they believe in conveniently losing the topic on some tirade. I guess it still doesn't matter that everything you induce at some rally or prayer meeting can be flicked on and off in a lab. Every last feeling can be produced with machines that understand you and trigger you, because it was made by people who cared to be smarter than you.

I guess, other than simply making another desperate plea to get informed, what I would ask you to do is to ignore whatever your hearing if you watch either the debates I've posted or some apologetic speech, and just watch their faces. If that can't convey to you more than all the bullshit they constantly push, and the information you readily ignore from me, then I'm out ideas.   

[148] I Hate College

I almost have to force myself to stay seated. How do we justify this process, here's a word, write it down, I'm going to talk about something you won't be able to recite back to me after class, repeat. The home”work” consists of copy and pasting the words you write into another word document. What kills me is that I've been apart of this process for 15 years and I still cannot find a point. I don't see how it works, nor do I understand how those who aren't just good at memorizing are really “learning” anything. I venture to say the vast majority of the class is not going home to memorize this list of words. I'm hot an uncomfortable. I'm not learning, I don't care, and I hate being here.

There is an easy way to fix this. Take the apprenticeship stance. Say your going to go out to the garage as a kid and you and your dad are going to build a tree house. Do you think your going to learn a damn thing if he gets you all pumped up to work with him, then sits you down, and explains the name, shape, and history of every tool and types of wood that have been used to build tree houses? It's called picking things up as you go along. People who are dropped into a country are surprised by how quickly they pick up the language and start to understand. This is not because they got all A's on their tests for a years worth of Spanish.

I think wasted time is any time your not doing something either 1. You enjoy doing and is stimulating, 2. is productive in light of some cause or organization, 3. countless others are doing it as well who both can and are doing it better than you, and 4. It's an action that was established as a rule of thumb and is carried out for that sole purpose. (I came up with four because one of those bloody rules of thumb is to find fucking 3 of everything.)

1. I don't consider all my down time wasted, nor do I even feel as bad as I'd let on, because I'm frequently doing something that I enjoy or am enjoying the company of others. My free time consists of Big Bang videos, joking in the lounge, movie nights, and soul searching discussions. Given that one of my main goals in life is to be as happy as possible, I feel I'm chugging down that path just fine.
2. There are many ways of being productive that are not entrenched in homework or coveted notions about memorization. I feel as if I contribute more to my human race by learning science things in my free time than I'll ever be able to do memorizing a list of psyche terms associated with regions of the brain. What's more, if and when I need to know a specific region of the brain to counter some point or provide and example, holy shit The Google is still running. Furthermore, I've learned more from being forced to formulate arguments than I've ever learned from a slide show in class. When your compelled, or forced in my case, to teach someone, you almost automatically learn whatever it is your talking about because your mind does all those little subconscious things that assure itself you'll use and need this information later. Grades no longer reflect what I care to see from my “work.”
3. I can't help but feel futile when I look at the hundred or so kids around me copying the words exactly as I'm doing. All the while the professor carries on in a couple minute spiel about each word, the real meat and potatoes if you will, that we aren't expected to right down or know anything about, because after all, this is an “introductory course.” We watch a minimum of 3 video clips each day with some scientist explaining their work, and I can't help but feel like their day to day doesn't consist of preparing to be a jeopardy contestant when an interviewer is present. If a specific field of study needs more researchers, here's an idea, present those fields, garter classes around them, get the more specified skills and terms to those who show a passion for such a subject. Sure, I'll recognize MRI on a multiple choice exam, no, I still have to use The Google to explain all the cool and happening ways it is influencing our lives today. One on one learning obviously speeds things along. Should we prefer to give meager overviews to hundreds of kids, or specialize handfuls to carry out desired tasks?
4. Our whole school institution is like this. I've heard at least two presentations from teachers themselves telling us that our modes of learning are rooted in 18^th century thought. You ask almost anyone why they are down some path or making some decision and you'll overwhelmingly get “because I have to,” “this is how to get a job,” “I think (key word, only think) this will make me happy.” We are a species that is prone to ruts. Our minds are prepared and willing to accept them, and the more actions we can mimic from those around us, the better we “fit in.” Granted, there are common and “best” ways of achieving some means that we should be able to recognize as universal, like using the sidewalk instead of the middle of the road, but I feel that such a simple and obvious level of realization is destructive when applied to our higher faculties. “Ga-hilk, I said this word over and over and nows I remember it better ::LIGHTBULB:: omg everybody should repeat things over and over to get smarter like me!” Easy there Jethro, lets maybe study the behavior of the people who've achieved most in the world, and accept broader and more mature definitions of progress and learning. Maybe you love the current system and think it's the best way. I'd refer you to my number 3 argument and point at Japan or China, because yes, they are indeed kicking ass, but at what cost?

One of the quickest things to piss me off as well is rationalizations people try to give in response. For example, when I ask myself why the hell I'm in Spanish when I don't care to speak it, I find it boring, I have no future plans of using it, yet I'm told if I know it well enough it will get me a job quicker, I kind of feel like the person doesn't really get it. Biology and math are the life lines to our health and existence, yet a complete guess would say to me there are thousands of kids here who will never take another math or biology class and still do just fine. I think people should be asking themselves what they alone can contribute. On a TED talk there was the example of Photobucket or Flicker where some people gave thousands of pictures, others gave one. If that one person gives one picture that many can still find cool or useful, that single picture has now given that person a purpose and meaning for their contribution over those who've upload thousands. I personally believe that everyone has at least a glint of originality for simply being an autonomous being, and the more we become a society cognizant of that glint, the more we'll see and get out of each other. I just want to focus on taking my one photo first. 

[52] To Do List: 1. My Life

October 2008

What am I doing with my life? Honestly. What the hell am I doing? There's a plan everyone, set in stone for success and if you don't follow it, only promises of woe and hardship are to follow. Or...not.

I'm in college. A million and a half opportunities are literally within walking distance. How can I still feel like I'm completely wasting my time? I loath going to every one of my classes and am going to have to drop math because I'm doing so horrible. The worst/best part of it all is that I just don't care. I've spent so much time thinking about the bigger picture and what may actually and truly make me happy in life that I simply don't give any worry or time to thinking about the money being wasted, the time being thrown away, or the squandered opportunities.

I'm asking anyone with a coherent explanation; Why I should give two shits about derivatives, memorizing 150 pages of a business book for a 50 question test, and a paper on whether or not cheer leading is a sport? I mean this is college? Then there's always the big spiel, "if you don't get a major in such and such you'll never be able to make money." This is a statement I can't help but to believe is all but completely false, because I study and read about the most successful men in America, some of  whom barely knew how to describe the money they make.

Maybe I'm too simple. It's probably completely retarded to think that a good idea, motivated people, and focused research and time devoted to that idea will be a groundwork for starting something worthwhile. Maybe it does take all the "knowledge" you soak in from college that effectively bleeds out when the big secret is revealed that you only needed parts of a handful of classes to be well enough off. Perhaps I'm just naive in thinking that once I got past all the stupid bullshit classes in high school I'd finally hit it big and be passionate about what college has to offer. My math class mind you is stuff I did junior year in high school yet its still as pointless to me now as it was then. And for the love of your deity do not tell me I should've learned it in high school so I could do it in college.

Is there no room for the people who are just thinkers anymore? Do you have to fall in and file out into a world waiting to take advantage? The work in college is not a humbling experience; I'm simply de-spirited. A quote from a friend's mom reveals that college is what makes you "trainable" to a workplace. Well, I don't want to be a dog.

I thought jobs were telling the schools what they wanted employees to know when students got out. I mean the best they're doing is saying "know some math you and none of your parents or relatives will ever, or have ever, used again and write papers on arbitrary ideas that hold no bearing on a single significant point regarding your state of well being."

I figured worst case scenario I fall back on something completely music oriented, but low and behold school can take that as well and turn it into tedious memorization and theory repetition until you hate the fact that you love music. Call me a child, but I want to have fun. More than that I need to. Maybe other people are good at settling down and just dealing with their current situation in life. I can't do it. It is something outside of my capability to allow that suffocating feeling to take over.

I do not believe that incessant stress is necessary for grand achievement. I think that idea is simply drilled into our heads by people who've never known otherwise. I wish more "adults" read my stuff so they could perhaps comment and reinforce the fact that time will literally pass you by when you realize just how fruitless the current path you're on really is.

It's no secret why people get drunk and stoned every weekend. We all know just how nowhere we're really going and what better way to cope than to find a mental place that can't dwell on it. I think enough people are asking "what's the point?" to the various ludicrousies of their lives, and I am disheartened that no one seems to be searching for the correct answers.