Write Makes Right: August 2008

Saturday, August 30, 2008

[59] The Questions Never Seem To End Do They?

I want to run an experiment. Take all the super geniuses in calculus and physics and put them into a fourth year creative writing course. Then take all the English people and stick them in music ensembles. All the music people can go into law and the law people can try their hands at the cutting edge math. I've had this theory for a long time that "learning" is only effective when you can apply it to your actual life. My thing for the past few years has been philosophy and religious stuff so no wonder when I read a book with complicated hypothesizes or difficult language I can still find a way to convey it to someone I'm discussing it with. In college you don't have a life. You have classes and a shitload of free time. You either spend that free time memorizing and beating in equations, or worse, pages of text, or you play rock band, watch movies, and drink. Theoretically you can do both, but its privilege allotted to those really smart kids who just look at something and can recite it back with a complete understanding. In my opinion, I'm not doing well in school because I'm lazy or stupid, but simply because I feel like a specific type of person left astray in a setting that doesn't facilitate my ability to learn. I mean I've wanted to get here my entire life because I saw through high school, I knew just how b/s 90% the crap I was doing truly was, and now I'm put right back in that setting only now it costs more. People like to talk about "one day" things will kick in and you'll find your place. This not only seems counterproductive but outright depressing. I like to believe that I'm living life right now and am capable of doing and saying great things that can influence the world around me. I'd like to think that applying a lot of common sense reasoning based from people smarter than myself and obvious cues from the current world's situation, should be allowed more than blank stares and people saying "ya…"

If the system wasn't flawed they wouldn't have invented schools that specifically taught kids about things they liked from an early age. People wouldn't give talks about the question of whether or not schools kill creativity. The "funny" phrase concerning the business school wouldn't be you have to fail out to succeed. I'm just wondering what it is going to take for a new level of consciousness to invade our current level of thinking about our school systems. If I didn't have the time to bullshit and bitch about how much I hate my current situation to my friends, I would've snapped a while back.

The absolute worst thing that anyone could've ever told me came from my uncle. My uncle mind you manages accounts for millionaires and works for high class companies. He said that he took all kinds of accounting courses through college, was even here for 5 years. In comes the real world and he's forgotten 90% of the material he went over. This isn't significant? There isn't a lot of time just kind of going nowhere in that scenario? College is more of a balancing act of trying to find the easiest GPA buffers to take alongside the classes that are supposed to prepare you for the real world. Can I really help the fact that I'm drawn towards something that isn't highly regarded as workable or practical? And this is under the assumption that those judgments holds true are correct. The reason I did well in school was because I was getting paid. That was my job, my life, I had to get A's to make money and feel pround. Who cared if I understood the material. It didn't matter if I would one day take my ability to speed through math problems and make something of myself. No, all I had to do was dick around in class, read enough to pass, erase my mind for next year and start anew.

How many people am I letting down by not being the typical smart kid in college? What is that really reflecting to the world around me? I hate to think about what my family will think, but on the other hand I'm entirely apathetic about it if I'm not happy and feel like I have credible reasons for why things are turning out the way they are. In order to not sound like some arrogant immature asshole, I say prove me wrong. I'll play scientist and say here's my experiment, here's my results, run the test and tell me why I'm so misinformed. I read about human nature, I watch social interaction, I watch talks and movies on the questions of life, love, and truth. I know there are ways to exploit seemingly limitless potential from hundreds of sources scattered about our existence. So why am I wrong for being frustrated about doing the work and beating in the information when I'm all but certain it will not impact my life in the way that the money spent doing it would? Why am I wrong when I know there are people out there who take their good ideas, surround themselves with good and productive people, and make absolute beautiful and meaningful contributions to life simply because they said, I'm doing what I want? There are such more important things that you can learn about people and life in an hour conversation with someone that you'll never get in a lecture hall over 8 weeks. Don't those matter more? It's the businessman's hours of school work and stress that get him his title and suit, but if he didn't have that swagger or understanding about persuasive speech, or personality to connect with the others with potential to help, what good is he? And this says nothing of all the rich people who perpetuate the dumbest acts like alcoholism, violence, or infidelity.

There is a key element in how we perceive, and cope with, the way we live our lives that goes totally unnoticed if you think you already have it, or don't concern yourself with how much it matters. That is simply the truth. The truth for me is completely different for you and the next person, but it still exists. When you ignore it, ideas like guilt, sadness, fear, stress, and "sin" perpetuate your thoughts. The truth is that, yes, being in college can be a golden opportunity to get rich, make contacts, and take you places. In light of all that though, if you are not actually happy or actually have peace of mind, those reasons immediately and outright don't matter. Why do people drown themselves in self pity? How many loving families, millions of dollars, and opportunities are swept away in the name of some destructive decision? It seems like everyone's on some drug or prescribe to one or more mind inhibitors. Are they fun? Do they provide truth? These simple distractions from reality will only hinder the already backbreaking process of finding truth. In this college world I don't matter. I only matter to me and the people who can't help but to care about me. So how is focusing on anything else going to fill that gap?

Friday, August 29, 2008

[127] Some Sources

Friday, August 29, 2008 at 10:44pm

Thursday, August 28, 2008

[126] Clearly Colloquial

Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 5:46am

What do people mean when they say “religion?” It could be a body of people all meeting up for the sole purpose of indiscriminate worship. It could mean an organization motivated by faith. It could be ta body that studies its origins, authors, and history. Just in this one word alone, it can have an elusive meaning depending on the person using it and the person hearing it. Now take that and add the word faith. Faith can be blind, ignorant, just a happy feeling, a hugely motivating force, a unifying center, or any number of personalized definitions. The last word I'll go with is science. Science, in particular the evidence supporting science, is understood differently in light of whatever is being studied. The same kind of evidence for the historicity of a historical figure, is obviously not the mathematical proof needed to identify dark matter. When you take vague definitions of religion, faith, and science and metaphorically throw them to dogs of our modern discourse, the complications become overwhelming. I try to stay as clear as possible when addressing either or all three, but I'm going to try and depict how complicated a seemingly simple discussion about one of them can get.

If I say something along the lines of “faith is one of the most destructive forces we've ever concocted” immediately you start thinking about church organizations, volunteers, the smiles on the old womens faces on Sunday, and the many people you may have met and become friends with for the sole reason of going to church. Immediately there is a problem. Your thoughts do not address what I said. Not only do they not address what I said, the reason you began to think those thoughts rests in other complicated areas of understanding. If we break it down word by word, my favorite way, when you take church festivals and volunteers, your talking about acts that people do for purely social reasons and not necessarily, if even frequently, because of faith. If you regale at the thought of smiling old ladies and friendships you've made, again, if the only reason you call someone a friend is that they nod in a booth next to you, your simply lying to yourself. To add even more icing on the cake, people frequently rebut a statement like “faith is one of the most destructive....” with something like, “How can you not see all the good religion or God is doing?” So not only would the conversation start off wrong from how the sentence is received, but it would take a left turn, and then would maliciously beat itself to death trying to squeeze in the various meanings of the words religion and God. This is my immediate frustration.

Let's say we're on the the lucky side of conversations where all the terms are wholly defined. What is the next problem? Context. The main charge many religious people will levy against me is that I'm not understanding their context, be it “religious, faithful, God's will,” and I retort that they do not understand a specific scientific context. I try to quell this by explaining my past with Christianity, and even have old embarrassing blogs if they want further reinforcement that I fully appreciate where they are coming from. That, and the context hasn't changed for thousands of years, it isn't exactly a secret from where and why your saying things. When it comes to science, it obviously goes towards evolution, the origin of life, and the origin of the universe. To put it simply, to say there is much to be said on any one of those topics is an understatement. Despite this, I get retorts and questions that mash all three together, and then sprinkle on biblical confusion and Godly speculation as well. It is impossible to carry on a discussion like this if you don't keep it specific.

I just watched a lecture from Bart Ehrman about how the bible explains suffering, and in the question and answer period Ehrman states that he doesn't like how the “neo-atheist” literature seems to know nothing about religion, and in particular, Sam Harris makes sophomoric assertions about how religion has been the cause of all the evil. It's statements like these the illustrate to me just how big the conversation, and confusion, gets. Neither Sam nor Bart are ignorant of the topics they write about. And yes, I've read books from both of them. Sam talks explicitly about faith, not religion, and I personally feel he conveys his worries and deductions clearer than any of the so-called new atheists. You'd have to watch some of his debates to get a real sense of how articulate and to the point he is. Ehrman is a biblical scholar and has written at least 5 or 6 books about textual criticism, Judas, Mary Magdalen, and early Christianity. So essentially, you have two very well educated men who specialize in one aspect of the “religion debate,” and at least one can hint at his personal confusion with the context and specific issue the other is contending. Basically, if it can happen to them, it will happen to us.

With all of that in mind, sentences like, “the fossil record isn't reliable and disproves evolution which obviously doesn't happen given this condition during the big bang” should disappear. The Youtube links I provide give you someone specializing in biology, another in paleontology, another in astronomy, another in chemistry, so on and so forth. When I suggest a book long answer to “what came before the big bang” it is because it requires a book long answer. If someone tells me how some bible passage predicted such and such, it requires not only an appreciation for the significance and relevance of any piece of historical evidence, but also a grasp on the context the author was writing in and the history he was drawing from. After all that, you can begin to speculate on the little nuances or reasons behind the person in question giving you the answer. It is completely backwards to think that “just because he's an atheist” or “just because this is coming from someone labeled scientist” that something is credible or not. The whole point of evidence and rational discourse is to give you an ability to understand and judge the facts for what they are, not come in with prima facie conjectures about someone's motivation.

Say I make a stab at the corruption in religion by pointing to someone like Benny Hinn. An example of a pointless and empty response would be, “You know Nick, not all religious people are like that.” If I discuss the historical context and origin of a specific passage that say Joel Osteen recites, the useless response, “Don't you see that it's just making them happy and isn't harming anyone,” is not only wrong, but would completely miss the point. If you want to discuss fossils, we'll discuss fossils. If you think you have the one-two punch prophecy, we'll tackle prophecy. I'll even struggle through my meager understanding of space science if that's where your questions lie. Or, call me a dreamer, say you read and retain anything from a book I suggest, we can focus on one or more of the themes of that book. Not only will keeping things clear keep me sane, but it will aide you in your understanding. I'm quick to point to videos and books because I don't want to risk me confusing things, when I know the better source who laid it out in clearer terms I could grasp. It can, and does, get overwhelming if your not prepared.

4 comments

Updated about 2 months ago

Cara Zimmerman (Chicago, IL) wroteat 2:22pm on August 28th, 2008

Let me see them old and embarrassing blogs.

Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:34pm on August 28th, 2008

nah

Delete

Cara Zimmerman (Chicago, IL) wroteat 6:56pm on August 28th, 2008

Hey, you offered.

Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 6:57pm on August 28th, 2008

If the situation becomes that desperate, not just something I had out for fun.

[128] Rambunctious Rascals

Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:02pm

There's something odd about the child/parent relationship. While you're feeling like an independent mind with your own likes and dreams, your parents feel like you're but an extension of them. They can't even imagine having something they are more proud of or means more to them than you. Mind you, this both in general and coming from my own experience. I think we're all well versed in the good things that come about with parents that raise you, and are at least basically stable. I'd rather say a bit about the bad the comes with being an unaware parent.

The first problem I brushed over above, and that's about autonomy. Each person is there own person whether or not they are influenced by their parents greatly or barely. I think when parents fail to realize this, you get the usual teenage girl tantrum as she runs upstairs to change her clothes. I would like to think that if I were raising kids, I'd let them essentially think and do for themselves and be sort of like the sides in the game Operation. For example, the fifteen year old girl comes downstairs w/o a bra, there's a problem, but if an outfit won't get her kicked out of school, who am I to impose how I think a fifteen year old girl should look? Conveying my biases or views is one thing, but policing something so trivial seems just that. I wouldn't want to be the stigma when it came to piercings or tattoos either. They are harmless and until you want to disk your lip or hang bicycle chains from your nose, I won't have a thing to say.

I think part of the major responsibility of parents is to not guilt trip over what are the parent's choices. For example, to say something like “I wiped your ass, bought you food, and gave you a house to sleep in” is just a stupid statement. What other choice did they have? Anybody who's having kids is expected to take care of them in all the usual ways. The only thing you can hold over their heads would be general allowances independent of the chained events you, as a parent, started. Even then, by the time the kid is old and responsible enough to get those allowances, it shouldn't take resorting to something like that to get your point across.

As it goes with my parents, they both were/are capable of taking care of me, but those extenuating things I have a problem with above, manifest in varying degrees between them. For example, most parents, I'm assuming, would be thrilled that their kids read and would take five minutes to hear their child's thoughts on the story, but that's a little much for my mom because I talked enough as it was. I've been thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced for a while, but I can still remember my dad saying years ago that he doesn't like piercings, and got that “parental frown” aptly pointed in my direction. We used to go the mall or county fair with my mom, but it was always because she wanted to, not really because she wanted to do anything with or for us. Same came with Christmas presents. “You should be happy with whatever you get,” the old adage goes, but to me it says more about how you view your kids when you listen to them, and not arbitrarily waist money on things you both know will never be used nor appreciated. My easiest example is when I said I'd be happy with a card if my mom was having financial troubles, and instead got a bunch of pure junk and random things “she thought” would be cute or nice. I was pissed she wasted the money, I was more pissed she didn't just listen to what I said in the first place. That Christmas didn't go so well lol.

Bah, so the whole point of all that was just to highlight my view that listening and recognizing are crazy important for the development of a person, not just “your kid.” The things that have stayed with me the most aren't when my parents made mistakes or got angry at me for doing something stupid, it was whether or not they actually acknowledged and listened to the things I felt were important. It was them being aware that I was in the area and on their minds. Don't use your kids as tools for your own agenda or to fix your mistakes. And while it sounds like an old cliché, I'm amazed at how often I still encounter it.

Monday, August 25, 2008

[57] When It Rains...

I don't matter.

If there's a more important lesson to learn in school, I've yet to find you. I don't matter. Your teachers don't care about you. Your friends probably change as soon as you change housing. Your "academic advisers" have your number. You and I don't matter. All that matters is what we can project to the rest of the world. There is no place for well-being, let alone happiness. Do as your told, file in rank, get "trainable."

I thought I finally had it right. I picked classes I thought were interesting. Went to my adviser happy and ready to look forward to something for once. To my abysmal dismay, NONE of the classes I gave half a shit about taking were being offered. Again I am plunged into a world of apprehension, stress, and utter despair. I'm so fucking distressed I want to punch things until I feel numb. Schools attack your very spirit. Your essence of life. You may find something interesting or cool WHAM! "We deem this too hard for you, this isn't allowed, this doesn't fall in line with your major, this would be more appropriate, this is a STANDARD BULLSHIT COURSE"

My friend accused me of being depressed a little while back. While I vehemently disagreed I can fully appreciate such a dark and low place that people who are clinically depressed may feel. If I honestly thought myself susceptible to staying at that level of compelling negative thought, I'd seek assistance mind you. I do tend to say all the mood killer practical and blah things. I always bitch about my situation in life. I don't know if that means I'm depressed or not. If I felt like I do right now all the time....If depression means always feeling like you never have something to look forward to and are not secure about your position in relation to your responsibilities, then yes I'm depressed.

I'm either a complete idiot by every stretch of the imagination or I really have something important about life understood at its core. I'd prefer to think the latter as no one is convincing enough to paint me as an idiot. I know I'm only in college because its the status quo or "those who cannot be named." I know I would drop out in a heart beat if I came upon a better opportunity. I know that I will sincerely make myself mentally sick if I continue to feign worry about classes while actually worry about what I'm not using my time for.

Why is it so easy for everyone else? How do they do h/w and never struggle over its value? How do they wake up every morning to download information simply because its being told to them? How do people justify interrupting their passion? Do they even have one?

For half the guys in my building the "fun" consists of w.o.w. and magic the gathering games....is that what they really are about? I mean its obvious they aren't spending 10-12 hours on homework each day. I can't seem to rationalize either method of staying sane even though one is supposed to get you somewhere and the other is supposed to be fun.

All I ever care to do when I know there is nothing riding my ass is read, sleep, play music, and hang out. College won't prepare you for a job like that nor will it tell you how doing those things can find you a place in the world. Unfortunately for me apparently those are what I like and what I have to work with if I'm to get anywhere that doesn't get me institutionalized.

I can't stay this angry all the time. Not "grrr I'm gonna kick ass" angry, but simply fed up and done with this way of life. Falling face first into a random test, boring assignment, or lack of anything substantial and profound. I don't know what I'm going to do. I had a plan, school killed that plan, where the fuck do I go now? Assuming my dad's really that cool, at least my living room has a comfortable couch.

[125] Deeply Disjointed

Monday, August 25, 2008 at 5:49am

I can't remember a night where I haven't sat up, stared into space, and thought about everything. It's so quiet in my world. I'm never quite sure of what to say or do about it. I feel like everything I've ever done has been in spite of something or particularly someone. There is no one drive or voice that compels me to achieve or want anything “more.” I've always just been making choices, and the world has reacted around me.

When you feel like you could become anything, then what are you? If every emotion is a choice, how empty does the notion of following your heart become? Maybe the value comes from choice in and of itself. If that choice comes from the same empty and impartial place, no dignity really remains in it. I prepare for my choices to disappoint me in advance. I can't be let down nor surprised because I've settled on an inability to trust anybody or anything. Any one moment could be your last is not just an ominous cliché, but something I actively try to prepare for. I watch as the guy speeding to the red light barrels into my car sending my skull through the widow. I stand in front of the desperate gunman as his eyes lock in telling me I'm gone before he's pulled the trigger. I don't believe it's crazy to just think like this as a matter of fact. I don't feel depressed by it, I don't feel scared. I just acknowledge it, and it leaves me empty.

I don't know how to feel about growing accustomed to this emptiness. I can still find the greatest joy in laughing about, lets simply say "inappropriate," things. I love to get lost in stories and movies, and the right song at the right time is practically surreal. But what is the emptiness? I'm not even eager to fill it. I speculate that this is the sort of thing mothers try to fill by having a child. Do they not realize they've just created a mini them? If there wasn't a way to fill it prior to a genetic copy of yourself, you've only doubled your problem. Maybe I'm just confused about the feeling. Perhaps when some grand epiphany is reached the idle person within will flow like the Amazon. No, that seems too dramatic.

“Maybe you just have a lack of God, Nick!” Because I'm sure someone is thinking it. Short answer, tried that, didn't work, you’re wrong. Maybe the notion of “purpose” has been so dramatically emphasized within our psyches and society, that by the time we've evolved enough to understand the futility in looking for one, it leaves an artificial hole. Now this, I find intriguing and frankly am kinda proud I just came up with that. Given that our minds can and do play all kinds of tricks we generally ignore, why is it so far-fetched to think I've simply come to acknowledge this one? The plain truth, is that I recognize my life to be simply amazing as well as fulfilling, and reflect on it constantly. Given that I have no emotional attachment to this hole, nor any logical reason that could reinforce it, I almost certainly have to accept it as an anomalous pitfall of my psyche.

How peculiar.

In truth, I feel as if my main agenda to make money is to stifle boredom. I want to put my “I'm good at everything” abilities to the test, and be able to compete in a myriad of sports, learn all kinds of skills, and essentially master as many things as I can. I love to show off, and my house would be the perfect archetype to insight “wow,” “are you serious,” and “I never would've imagined” comments. I want to activate minds. I'd love to be a source of inspiration by exhausting every faculty I had towards expressing artistically what I never feel I get right in words. I can only be me, and if it comes at the expense of others I can't find sympathy. I know that any time I've felt abused for something, I made the choice to go along. Those that can realize this are no longer being abused and those feelings become unjustifiable. We're all fated to live at the expense of one another anyway, and focusing it doesn't make it anymore “wrong or right.”

Now I suppose I can reveal to you my secret quest to find “real” people to travel with me on this adventurous life. So cliché no? So real, that they have become like minded, not because they emulate me or my actions, but because they've come to the same sort of understanding. What makes me constitute myself as real? One word, honesty. It isn't hard to recognize fake and shell people, and it hasn't been hard for me to recognize and relate with the real ones. This might help you understand why I force myself into discussions with the religious. I'm ever searching for that real person to come out and show themselves to themselves. That, and it's very rarely a boring endeavor. I think the bloggers who read over their work forty times before they publish it, and constantly change words so as to weed out any hint of bullshit or misunderstanding, are pushing themselves to that kind of honesty. If it takes fifty comments for you to believe in what you’re saying, give up.

Giving up. Something many people need to properly take part in.

1 comment

Updated about 2 months ago

Cara Zimmerman (Chicago, IL) wroteat 3:06pm on August 26th, 2008

I think this is the best note you've written so far.

Friday, August 22, 2008

[124.151] One More Thing That Eludes Me

Friday, August 22, 2008 at 6:04am

I've been watching the documentary series The Genius of Charles Darwin, hosted by Richard Dawkins, and I find myself thinking which means I find myself writing. Granted, this is the dressed up documentary version of things I've heard before, but sometimes it takes hearing things more than once for them to trigger every potential thought. I just got done watching the second installment which focuses on human evolution and in particular the development of altruism. Dawkins asks why we have a yearning to be good to our fellow man even when there is little to no chance of them returning the favor. If you want the evolutionary reasons and his discussion, I encourage you to watch it yourselves because I would like to instead talk about what I was feeling as I was watching.

I randomly picked up a book today called The 48 Laws of Power. In it, a stark and explicit account of the many ways of manipulating and controlling people and situations so they frequently play out in your favor. While I was reading it I couldn't help but smile. I'm reading historical accounts and observations of kings and right-hand men about how they held and weaseled control, and I could completely empathize with their tactics. I wasn't sure if I should feel dirty or ingenious. Moreover, when thinking about my best friend who makes a habit out of implementing these strategies, I again found myself amused.

At this point I find myself at a bit of a roadblock. Well before I ever read The Fountainhead I was pretty much fascinated with Nietzsche and the concept of the Will to Power. If you're not familiar with either the books or philosophers, damn? The roadblock happens, call it selfish, when I think about what will make me happiest. I'm a sucker for a challenge. When I was first reading the 48 Laws of Power, my first instinct was to study the book and conceive where, when, and on who I would try each technique. I already know what it's like to do this to some extent, and yes, it is quite fun and ego boosting. On the other hand, I have the character Gail Wynad ever resonating. Gail is the mega publisher who lusts after power and utterly destroys people beyond all reason. He doesn't have the easiest, (or perhaps most fulfilling?), life. Then there's the protagonist Roark who basically stands for everything the romantic in me would preach. Do I take the lessons (perhaps impractical, alas, but what is practical) from the book and implement them in my strategy towards life, or do I say fuck it and perhaps plummet down a road already well traveled, but have a pretty good time doing it?

I guess I got into that bit of a digression because of what I feel watching apes and listening to Dawkins say that we have a lust to console and help each other. As cold hearted and down right tyrannous as I know I can be, I still feel compelled to help someone in need (almost explicitly when they are within my immediate perception, but nonetheless) and have seen the effects of people who hint at the world which understands what it means to be a Howard Roark. No matter what I do I can't absolutely kill an old flame nor deny the “loving” actions of others. And yet despite this, I still hold an absolute revulsion for humanity. I literally get physically and psychologically ill when I actually try to contemplate the “how in the worlds” behind what people do and say. When that sickness takes over is when I think all qualms about regressing towards the mentality of that book will be dead.

My faith lies in seeing the byproducts of my perhaps unconventional, romanticized, and sometimes lonely world view play out in others in the positive ways it has for me. I keep telling myself that when I've finally cracked is when I won't care about getting fucked up at parties and learning the marginally cute girl's major. It isn't from the exhaustion of “my philosophy” that would hasten those otherwise negative decisions, but my predisposition to be around people is naturally molding me to “fit in” somehow. It's the exact same situation when it comes to exerting power. Prompted by a sort of helplessness or insecurity.

So, I guess I'm banking on my inability to stomach the hatred I have for people shifting onto myself, because if it does.....dammit.

(Side mini blog) On Drugs and Alcohol. When I hear people describe, in particular, mushrooms and DMT I'm downright fascinated and my “justification” if you will, is that they are “natural” and I really want to have an opinion. Now, with that said, how many people are putting any real thought behind why they are so happy to party and lose control? In particular alcohol. I mean if it tasted good it wouldn't be “an acquired taste.” If it made you lose weight, perform on a balance beam, and help you explain in plain words general relativity, I could see the point. It makes girls more attractive? It helps you “relax” to have your “conversation” in a crowded yet empty apartment? It isn't cheap. It leads to some of the most hysterical and at the same time most disgusting stories I've ever heard. But hey, I'm on the outside looking in. Drugs is kind of the same thing, but not really, and I generally feel they are for the thinkers that really despise how much they can think, as well as those who got genetically unlucky when it comes to addiction. No, I didn't forget about the “importance of being social” either....bastard ape genes.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

[56] I Know Why I Hate School

I know why I hate school

You know when people say kids act out and fail in class when they aren't being challenged? I think that at this moment that statement is really sinking in for me.

I found myself doing my music theory homework. Writing dots. Calling them passing or neighbor tones. Identifying key signatures. Then I stopped and thought, After 19 years, 15 of them in school, I'm finally in college, I write all the time, read things I need a dictionary to get through, and can learn any sport or instrument you put in my hand, and now I'm writing dots for 5 points. This is why I hate homework. A new word needs to be invented because tedious and ridiculous have graduated.

Memorization is not a challenge. We memorize things for the sake of memorizing things because in the future that one memorized thing will be a stepping stone to memorize something "more important." I can't honestly say that anything I've faced in class has been necessarily hard or undoable, its just bullshit memorization. People think I overstep my bounds when I say I'm never going to need what I "learn" in calculus in my real world. They go on to explain every job that requires math. Let me make a distinction for these people. Given the millions of jobs that are out there and the millions more we're trying to prepare for that don't yet exist, yes, perhaps in one aspect or another of that job you will be required to apply some mathematical skill. At the same time there are just as many jobs that still exist who don't require you to know much past rudimentary level. This does not even mention that there isn't a job out there where you have a boss where training won't take place.

I want classes to make their lessons personal. Then I will see the point. Its one thing to teach the compound interest formula. You get to learn how money you don't have will increase infinitely in accounts you don't own or know how to look for. This is a problem for me. I'm finally surprised by my accounting class which actually is completely practical for anyone with a business or planning on one, and a plus to that we have a teacher who breaks things down so simply that you, so far at least, would have to try to not understand. If technology is increasing as quickly as it seems, business skills changing seemingly w/o notice, and a newer better kind world is taking place as we speak, why aren't we learning how to manipulate it NOW. I don't know what will happen four years from now, I know what I want now.

Pick something your interested in. I'll say for example books. So you take a class on books and find out that your learning how to make a book, what paper is commonly used, the font of the numbers, bibliography designs of the ages, what book means in Chinese, the words that can be made from rearranging the letters.........and all of this has to be memorized so you can "fully appreciate and understand what the author was trying to say." This is what I feel most of college is about. Dangle the real world in front of you as long as they can because remember, they've already got their method of making money, then drop you into a job leagues away from your dream major when you first signed up.

Watching an infomercial of people building gave me more a jolt to get up than I've felt towards any of my classes. I want to be productive, not robotic. Expressive and not reactive. Call me lazy, I feel lazy. I'm getting a little freaked that I won't be able to find an outlet for myself before something negative happens first.

[58] It Goes Beyond Art

Why do we feel for characters in stories? Getting emotionally involved with a cartoon figure in a final fantasy game or guy portrayed by such and such actor that was in another movie you like. The people hurling the air at a hundred miles per hour and your gut starts wrenching. It doesn't have to even be the main character that will get hurt or killed and your literally sad that that person is no longer with us. I feel like there are some movies or games that I get more emotionally involved with than I do the people around me. They tell stories of way more struggle and hardship than I'm looking for, yet it doesn't matter how many times a person gets shot, how many times they said a sentence they thought would be their last, I still find myself wanting to be there and wanting to be them. How these makeshift families get formed between the characters that are so strong. It's such a weird form of chemistry I'd venture to call it love. Pure love and passion that someone has put into telling a story that you couldn't help yourself if you tried to not want more of it. I just got done watching the movie Serenity which was formed after the fans of the show Firefly decided that simply calling something cancelled was not enough to consider it dead. These people portray that love in a such a way that I don't want to think that there won't be another movie or that they won't bring the show back. The deeper connection that makes them a family no matter who leaves or what threats get passes back and forth. So many crazy experiences they all share. It just really is bothering me think that I can find this feeling from watching a tv show, playing a game, or reading a book, but don't feel a part of something like it in my everyday life. There's no homework or bills in these worlds. Stay alive and stay together. So simple and direct that I find it amazing how much more truth and love is exchanged than in real life. Well then again, perhaps there's the catch.

When I say I want to be free and simple I feel like if I could escape to the adventurous and dramatic worlds that don't exist and be surround by the types of people that seem to "get it" in the same way I do, then no matter what boss battle was up next, or spiraling spaceship falling out of the sky I was on, if any moment was potentially my time to die I would never be afraid and never feel alone. This is the very reason god was created. It's why I get frustrated when people talk of giving their lives and acting on the behalf of one. As wrong as it would be for me to lose myself completely into a world of spaceships and powers it's just as wrong for people to get lost in their faith. I truly do understand that feeling, everyone does. I see the true passion come through the beautiful artwork and stories of the things I like. You can say the same for your interests. Try to convince me, I dare you, to downplay the significances they had in my life. How they influenced my thoughts or actions. How they helped me adapt a new mannerism or way of looking at things. This is the significance that I try to respect in people's lives no matter what they attribute it to. Where is the line when it goes from being an important part in the intricate machine that it essentially you, and instead become a whole mess of "the rest" that real life is always pilling on? Life is a game, earth is the playing field, you have your will to be set, go. All the stress, all the lack of love is just other players trying to cheat you out of what your trying to win. They will get in your way until you may not even realize what you've won or what you should be looking for.

This is a glaring endorsement for both the series Firefly and the movie Serenity and I hope they can move you in the same kind of way they have me.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

[120] Take The Good With The Bad

Sunday, August 17, 2008 at 2:09am

For the life of me if I come across another one of these “This is my first moment trying to be deep” blogs with fifteen “omg omg omg I never knew you were so insightful!” comments I'm going to shit.

Here's my problem. It isn't that these kids are finally thinking, or at least thinking “out loud” for others to agree with. It isn't even really that others feel “inspired” or uplifted by the blog. My problem is that I can't find a single stitch of something that feels personal, original, or really coming from that daunting place in that persons head.

“Life has its ups and downs, and all we can do is try to stay as happy as possible.”

I've read damn near 5 versions of this sentence, some paragraphs long, followed by a congregation of comment applause and tears. I'd like to use my No Shit stamp before the comma, and for the latter, a question. Do you have any clue how much more can be said about happiness, and the pursuit thereof, that isn't summed up so nicely in your overtly cliché and empty adage? I think what really gets to me the most isn't the tepid self-help book words, but how quick and easy the readers fall in line. I'm bothered that these people don't find themselves thinking as “deeply” as what they've just read. I'm amazed at how much time can be spent flapping about the awesomeness of new babies and lilies in the field, and the “bad stuff” is just that. A little bone thrown to the idea that the world is just as shitty as always despite today you feeling like its the best place ever. When happiness comes at the shunning, and almost complete disregard for reality, I'm annoyed.

“I wonder why that distended* stomach kid doesn't swat that the flies in his eyes....O what a beautiful sunset!”

This is all that mantra teaches. I don't think enough people are getting angry. I want more people to have an opinion that wasn't handed down to them by parents or a required reading book. Become cognizant of the fact of objectivity and form real opinions that stand for something because you know they're right and don't just feel good going down. I just got done ranting about girls not getting treated well in relationships. I wonder if they have a set understanding of what “good” and “bad” really mean to themselves before they end up in a relationship. I'm sure there's an abundance of “relationships can be tough, if you really love the person yada yada bullshit.”

Did you know when gas went to 80 instead of 40 cents per gallon, people rioted in the streets all over the country? What's happening in our society? There's talks of restricting and policing the Internet. There's the patriot act. Some people are getting chips implanted in them. Religious fanatics are ready send us to God. Our fucking atmosphere is getting destroyed, and our ice caps our melting. Species are going extinct at insane rates; species that can provide cures to the panoply of diseases that are set to wipe out the human race. And all the while people can barely work out the fight they're having with their boyfriend over where to go on Valentine's Day.

I say be constantly aware of the downs in the proverbial ups and downs of life and make yourself sick over them. How can you grow as a person only using half of the equation for life? What happens when all you ever are is maddeningly positive and disillusioned of your circumstances? My first thought is an extremely naive religious person. You know “hehe, God will fix it, sit pretty and pray...” those types. Meanwhile the world remains in shambles. You don't appreciate the significance of something by noting it in the margin of your ever-so-pleasant world view.

Please stop getting in lines to swallow your spoonfuls of life. Stop ignoring the real starting points of insight.

9 comments

Updated about 3 months ago

Julie Ann Stelzer (Merrillville Senior High School) wroteat 2:48am on August 17th, 2008

How's this for insightful... 'You're an ass.' What makes you think that people care anymore about your opinions than you do about theirs and their insights?? Huh??

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Nick P. wroteat 2:51am on August 17th, 2008

They may not, I'll try to refrain from tearing up.

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Julie Ann Stelzer (Merrillville Senior High School) wroteat 2:58am on August 17th, 2008

Unless you are planning on personally repairing the ozone, curing world hunger, and fixing our corrupted govt, my suggestion to you is to lighten up. Do what u can to help but its not something one or even a handful of people can fix in a blink of an eye. Dont lose sleep over something that is quite frankly, out of your control. Stop and smell the flowers my friend. Help where you can but dont forget to live your own life along the way.

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Nick P. wroteat 3:17am on August 17th, 2008

Ah, then perhaps you may understand where I see the real problem. "No single rain drop thinks it is responsible for the flood." We're good at contributing to disaster and then trying to hide. I conversely want this to work in a positive direction. I don't believe people can get to the mental point necessary to tackle humanity's issues by sedating their thoughts with cliches and comforting speeches. That's all my thing is.

We've never really hung out, but while my writing might not reflect it, I assure you I'm quite light in the heart.

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Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 8:51am on August 17th, 2008

'There's talks of restricting and policing the Internet.' Thankfully the FCC shot down bandwidth restrictions. And did you mean distended stomach kid? I think if someone had a distilled stomach.. uh.. well nevermind

I know how you feel about these silly people thinking they'rer deep, but at least they are thinking. About nothing mind you, and coming to all the wrong conclusions, but it is a start.
--on a random note, my power just blinked off, but by the grace of the Firefox 3 programmers, my response was saved when i finally powered my computer back on and started up Firefox--
'Take the good with the bad' isn't a brilliant philosophy, it's a fact of life. There is good and there is bad in the world, if you don't take them together, you're fucked. The only way to avoid it would be to kill yourself... which i wouldn't mind happening with the great majority of people.
The real problem is when people do start thinking, they get satisfied with themselves, they think they've figured something out, and they stop, when in reality, they've figured nothing out. And even if they had, why stop thinking? There's some more of that good with the bad.. sure, they started thinking.. but they stopped..
Ah well i could go on an on but i'll start repeating myself no doubt, and facebook is about to throw on it's comment limit..

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Nick P. wroteat 12:04pm on August 17th, 2008

That's basically it Mr. Bowman. It's almost as if thinking is abused to make yourself happy, then put on the back burn as if the burden is too great, or no reason is left, to go on. You said the only way to avoid taking the good with the bad is to kill yourself, and I think that's exactly what's happening. I struggle to find informed personal opinions and insights. The abilities for honest introspection and accountability appear all but dead. I don't even expect these people to be brilliant philosophers you know? I just wish that if your going to travel a road, you come prepared with perhaps reading of the "brilliant" philosophers or reflections on a trying situation. Why sound obvious and typical?

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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 2:10pm on August 17th, 2008

From a economic standpoint (I sure do view things in that way a lot), you must remember, blogging is becoming a HUGE trend. It's turning into "do it or you're lame." Not only that, but there's people blogging just for the sake of money. They spew out bullshit they don't believe in, or chances are in this case, don't even understand, stick some advertisements on it, and hope that they make some money, which they won't. So then they stop, bye bye fake deep thoughts.

Then we have the people who are truly TRYING to think deep, but just fail, the people you were talking about I presume. In my opinion, they're realizing how shitty the world is becoming, and want to give themselves false hope, or even try to show themselves off when they really have nothing. They think "well I'm depressed, I'll think of ways to fix the world," or "shit, I'll turn religious and pray to God for the lulz." They'll believe they're geniuses, and brag about it on blogs. Deep thinking in this aspect is just fucking ridiculous. It's like faking your thoughts (does that happen to be a sin? If so, then IRONY!!)

With that said, it's hard to say exactly how to think deep. IMO, it's like something you just need to discover how, kind of like how the religious ones say to "become enlightened." I have my deep thought situations once in a great while. I don't really know how it happens, it just does. And I don't brag about them, I just kind of think "huh, that's a pretty sweet idea," and go on with my life.

The really big problems in the world... I honestly think it's too late to save them. Unless the worlds greatest minds can join up and research and think. Which will probably lead to arguments over which country has the better mind, related to what you said about people fighting over stupid things.

Summed up, it just seems people are becoming more and more fake. That's all there is to it.

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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 2:11pm on August 17th, 2008

P.S. Off topic: You had a bit more room to go Bowman :p. I'm moving in on Friday, lets get some food that weekend, as you're already there.

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Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 2:15pm on August 17th, 2008

Yea i guess i did.. haha, i just got so used to it kicking in when i'm commenting on Nick's posts that i was expecting it.. and sure, food sounds good.

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