[55] FUUUUUUUUUCK

How do I put into coherent words the babbling and flappy gums of people who blur every line conceivable between common sense ethics and what it means to call yourself Christian?

I'm so fucking sick of hearing it. Explain to me anyone, though I'd prefer a Christian to do so, why I can contain myself to writing pissed blogs for an hour an not live a life as some beacon of sin because I don't believe what the bible is telling me? Explain it. Tell me why I, the heretic, the one who doesn't get it, the one who doesn't have a personal relationship with god, can live as I do if this "divine message that is christ's love" isn't sinking in.

I'm sick of faith. I'm fucking sick of people claiming bullshit. Who cares if the actual claim is bullshit or not, I'm too tired of arguing biblical semantics. I'm sick of people being absolutely sure of heaven and hell and the love of some savior w/o recognizing why they are doing as such.

What reward are you seeking? It's not good enough to help the poor and sick unless your going to heaven? Maybe the more times you say how Christian you are god will give you a happy life and loving family? It fucking sickens me. Take some responsibility for your actions and realize its not some sin to give a fuck about yourself and make decisions that will positively impact you.

This debate I'm listening to has this idiot DeSouza talking of Mother Teresa hugging a leper because of christ's love. Ummm, ya the hug is making him better, not science, the love of christ made him the unhealthy lepar he is today and now the love of christ is going to heal him with a hug. Lets all be like early christians and crowd into church and try to pray away the plague and just kind of ignore that by doing so we've spread it quicker.

It's fucking sick, absolutely, unequivocally sick to blame the devil for ANYTHING, to say he has influence over ANYTHING, to think that you can fall from god's light into some evil ways for any reason than your own dumbass decisions. You want to treat this life as some battle/playground for god and the devil and meanwhile the real world is saying "ya, well that's all well and good but if your praying when you jump off the building, my laws are still going to kill you before the demon in your mind."

That one day, you had that one thought, you know, it glanced over the idea that Jesus couldn't have been born of a virgin, and yes, that sick part of you that likes to make jokes said "well maybe god just came on her stomach and she worked it around herself" That's the real world people. That's our origin. We are animals who are fascinate and delighted with contemplating things that are taboo, different, and simply wrong according to the preconceptions we're born under. I go back to an example earlier of my one friend, pray in one hand for the lesbian girl, playfully flirt with her in another.

Why why why why why is all i constantly ask myself. Why can't you be good for the sake of good? Why does it matter if jesus or god did or didn't such and such this or that? Why are we creating these barriers of people because some can't get over their irrational ideas or better yet fully appreciate where they are actually coming from. I know, I really do know that there are TOO MANY people LIEING absolutely lieing to themselves about what they are saying and what they are thinking and i'm fucking tired of it. Why are you bitching out? Stop acting like a childish punk who needs to follow the crowd in order to feel secure. I'm not preaching ATHEISM I'm not rallying against the good deeds done, for what is at least said, in the name of religion, I'm standing for TRUTH.

YOUR TRUTH.

You can have an unexplainable thing happen in your life, you can go through an amazing coincidence. NONE OF THAT automatically assumes that because you were brought up to believe in was god's love that it is presumably so. NEVER can you say you are moral elite because you pick the right passages to quote. NEVER should you suffer the brand of sinner because agenda driven heirarches, men, looked down and determined such.

So help me if I have to here quotes taken out of context to push blatant ludicrousies in logic again. How many Christian apologetics need to work in those crowd pleasing low blows and distortions of scientific findings before someone finally beats it into them that they arn't arguing AT ALL on grounds that defend god or jesus than they do a fucking fairy. EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU SAY "O WELL, THAT DOSN'T APPLY TO "GOD" "HEAVEN" "OUTSIDE OF SPACE AND TIME" "THE SUPERNATURAL" "MY BELIEFE" "THIS OR THAT APOLOGETICS' VIEW" you lose ALL GROUND for remaining in the rational debate arena.

Christianity has hijacked inevitable human progression and labeled it with dogma, self degrating edicts, and simply mad rationalization. How hard is to believe that after enough rocks are thrown, and enough people have gotten pissed off, that we should no longer throw rocks? ITS AS BASIC AS I CAN LAY IT OUT. The god of the bible certainly dosn't understand that point which is precisely why if there was a god he wouldn't be the one so named there. You have to deny your nature, you have to deny that TRUTH, you have to delude yourself, or at least the "christian" part of yourself, into buying into any and every piece of information handed to you on faith because.......fill in the blank because finding an answer to this is simply beyond me anymore.

[54] Perspective

There are three ways to look at things. Perspective is ever present, never fully appreciated. Basic example, I'll take a member of the NRA.

1^st perspective: Ignorant "outsider" would say something like "Those gun toting redneck only want violence and need to make up for a small cock."

2^nd perspective: a personal stance or what an NRA member might say "I carry this gun because I believe in protecting my family" because they do in fact love their family very much and no matter how much of a jolt it gives them that idea was central in their decision to join.

3^rd perspective: Unbiased observer "That guy has a gun, if he doesn't want to shoot me I'm fine, if it protects his family ok, if he talks in a southern accent and hunts turkey who really cares?"

All three of these views hit me at once when I encounter new people or situations. I know what someone would say about said person if they never took the time to learn about them. I know what that person would say about themselves if they never took them time to reflect on themselves. I know how and what to say to be cool with both people despite the different things they would have to say about each other.

I just got done watching an old presidential debate and it prompted me to start thinking about how these people were thinking.  Some of the candidates did come off as too personal and uniformed about the outside situation. How many of you are doing that? How many times do I come off that way?

Like most my stuff I can tie this into the religion debate but I'm only gonna take a few sentences. How many people of faith have really taken the time out to investigate what that such and such called atheists are trying to show them? How many atheists are just as quick to yell bible thumper before they care about what a good nature that person of faith may have.  These lines between our explicit and implicit meanings are making for dramatic action that is often unwarranted and misguided no matter how much each side believes it will help them relate.

This is why I come across as impartial or cold to many people and their situations. I don't really care not because I'm full of hate and misunderstanding, I don't care because it's not my situation, I haven't made it  personal, I'm not going to practice making myself feel as negatively.  It is possible to see the holes, the ways to fix, and repercussions before emotion shows up. So I want you to rise up in a sense. Take yourself out of the bias. I find that I can never take myself seriously if and when I choose to bitch about something. How many people think there is anything short of the world coming to an end when such an such issue arises from home or some person turns out to have been more harm than good all along? I mean are some people just that unlucky? Usually if there is trouble about to happen I find that I've in some way or another asked for it and knew it was totally preventable.

I feel I'm emanating what I sense from other people. I don't want to regard that feeling as some compelling force which I abuse to justify my actions or lack thereof, but at the same time it's not something so easily overcome.  I've felt like I've been wasting my time with things for longer than I can recall and then when I encounter people who fall in line with half or no struggle at all, and it makes my concerns seem all the more insignificant.

Perspective right, that's what I was talking about. You change your perspective you change your world. That sentiment is all well and good and I "preach" it to people who've become engulfed in self defeating and go-nowhere statements, but I can't seem to take it anymore seriously. All the arguments about the nature of perception, what's really "true," and the power of thought can be made but that's not what I'm trying to discuss. I feel like I'm just observing everything. Watching my decisions play out on some grand chess board. I'm really struggling with the idea that my "reality" is just engineered by subconscious motivations which, for all I know, could be completely out of whack.  

Every time I interact with someone, I think about what I really am saying or am really planning for.  I almost feel irresponsible if I don't. If I'm literally just flying by the seat of my pants and never accounting for anything, what choice am contributing to my nature? What message can I personally determine is the important one to send to people I meet? And then, while I'm making these conscious decisions to form what I hope is the correct message, what's making anyone else fully appreciate or understand where I'm coming from in the first place?

Who needs to keep playing the victim? If time was taken to self reflect we wouldn't have to worry about demonizing someone as that circumstantial victim, we wouldn't face impossible situations, no wasted stress and effort would be wasted to rationalize the dark spots our minds take us to . I really think that I won't be satisfied until I see evidence that people even vaguely grasp how much a lack of understanding or care about their situations can impact those around them.  

You can decide if you want to make a change, just SEE the situation for what it really is first.

I get along best with people who have learned to get along with themselves, not just tolerate their situations.

[53] I Fucking Hate The Bitch

I can officially say there are two people that I fucking hate more than anything in this world. I've talked enough about the first one so lets move on to Tammi.

Tammi was formerly my mother who I've since renounced (yes as childish as it may sound). Normal mothers give a shit about their kids and maybe listen to what they have to say. Normal mothers don't abuse, physically and mentally, a child or his dad. Normal mothers don't need a rod up your ass that centrally locates you no matter where you are. Normal mothers look a phrase like "Get the fuck out of my life" as an emotionally crippling statement or at least a hint.

My mom, in the past few months no less, outright lied to me, tried to make me think my dad was going to pilfer away my college money, stolen money from me and played like wounded elk like she's just the loving vicim. There are stories out the asshole from my dad's side of the family about what this crazy bitch used to do and say before I was able to understand it all. Let me tell you, you don't want to find out they weren't just being biased.

I need a lawyer, I need a restraining order. If you care to help me in this endevour I will love for forever :). I apparently, who can piss off just about everyone I meet, can't convince this dumbass puppy to find food elsewhere and I can't handle it anymore. I can't even remember being as pissed as I have been since I was a child. Call that coincidence as well. She thinks I'm only out to threaten or hurt her when every email or phone with her I end with some version of "Go the fuck away." Mind you I didn't speak to this bitch for about 3 years, quiet peacefully.

What's making her stay?

Control freak should put under mental disorders and the fat ass should be pumped with pills. This all started when she wanted into my IU email, her excuse to pay the bills. I give access to pay the bills. Not good enough. Not for this bitch no, she wants the whole package. Why? Why not be able to send emails to all my teachers about what I'm doing in class as she's done before in previous years. Why not read everything I may send out to my friends? Play like she confused that I might get angry when she insinuates that I'm out fucking around in class, wasting money, and need to have a leash.

Your moms may have beat you, I can relate. They may have had some fucked up addiction, I can relate. They may have made your life a living hell and I guess its just all coming around cus I didn't have enough mental suffering growing up.

[51] Self Esteem

To the one true God:

Why do you love? Is it because it pulls and strains your heart until you can't take it? Is it easier to shed a tear and not a miracle for those who know won't make it?

Why do you love, God, the tables are turned. Is there no reason, save for the burn? Is it the twist in your stomach for which you so yern?

Why do you love, God, fill me in please. Surely you arn't so callous needing the masses on their knees. Maybe you just ignore them as a sick twisted tease?

Why do you love, God, tell me if you will. Can't your greatest creations be snuffed out with a pill? Are those souls truly damned by your insatiable will?

Why do you love, God? Tell me the truth. Is all of our suffering a mere pain in your tooth? But if that were true, I could never love you.

Do you love, God? Or is it just my dream? Somewhere, out there, something could stand up and be proud to know me? Share in my fears, but still love what he sees? Clear my eyes when I can't see, brush the dirt from my knees, soar down into the heart of my deepest needs.You have to love, God, because surely, I could never love me.