[8] Uh Oh, Nasty Thoughts A Brewin

DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.

Current mood: just another headache 

There's no such thing as love. It's a myth, fairytale brought about after those who could find nothing left to live for started looking for excuses. Its centered around lies and ambition and is and isn't so many things that for it to exist would be a fallacy in logic. Things happen that make u attracted to sumone. Their looks or personality whatever. There's no deep inner core button that's pushed when u lay eyes on "the one." Life is always there to pay u the friendly reminder that ura dumbass if u don't look at the whole picture and see things for what they really are. U'll get caught up in an instant or a feature and make it so much more if u don't learn to control urself. Love is a choice like all things, u can say that the people ur with u luv or u don't. theres infatuation, obsession, basic attraction. Love is the ideal. People get lost in their ideals and call it having their dreams come true. Guy grows up to want a girl who cooks, cleans, and massages his back every night. Finds girl, says he loves her, marriage. Always in the back of his head though is suzy who could do all that and more but do to whatever circumstance didn't work out so he settled for less and made it his new "dream". Being with sumone is self centered in itself. Most relationships people are in so they can either get fucked or build their self esteem. Or like me they want someone to shower attention on and make feel special cus their so self centered they can only think of themselves no matter the situation and could in sum sick twisted way use it as sum sort of penance. I mean how sick is that. I can turn my own mind against me to satisy the inner will that gets me everything I want. And I don't' know if I hate that as much as I should. I mean it gets me by in every situation. Sure I might be bored and lonely my whole life but I'll never feel the pain of insincerity about sumone I may have cared more about than neone I've ever know. I'm filled with self doubt about so much shit I do and the decisions I make so I just make them without thinking or things get complicated and I start to fuck them up more than if I just went with the flow. I'm crazy about her? Or am I just crazy? Am I the psycopath that got lucky and can control his urges to do beyond stupid things simply because I take more satisfaction out of knowing I can make the choices or not? I mean things are so crazy like that. One factor of ur personality can turn u from deep to insane. Sincere to completely self centered. I think I can fortell the fucking future with how much I think about and read off people. And when those fortellings keep coming true I start to act in a way that will assure that they don't. its totally fucking retarded, I have perspective and can read situations but I throw it all away in a crazy attempt at having the control of how it works out. But then, what else am I supposed to do. Just sit back and let life flow past my eyes and then backwash and replay so I can just how stupid I was for doing or not doing in sum situation? So much to think about, so much I can't work out alone or with neone, It just sits there till I choose to bitch about it in sum drawn out blog that noone can truly understand or appreciate but me. I mean with my assumed perspective comes the knowledge that my life is great, excellent, theres absolutely nuthting I can complain about. Hence why I try to stay calm and cool and don't overact to shit because nothing is as bad as u want to make it. So with such a great life why am I plagued with this mind that sends me in circles and back again. Religion, relationships, love, people in general, situations, circumstances, consequence, all just swirls around over and over until I feel like I could be a strung out junkie who just stops giving a fuck. I can go newhere in life. Do I live up to my potential? No who does. Is living up to my potential worth using sumone to get there to satisfy that sick inner need to be self comfortable? Not at all. And then when do u decide whether its that or not. Can I actually care about sumone as much as I say I do? Would I really do nething or does it just feel like that sumtimes. Do I just want the challenge and then if I fail I can feel happy that I tried. I can make ne precious, fun loving, life changing moment into some overly practical sense that destroy ne chance of it sounding as great as it once did. Its like I attack the will to live. Do I just not see the practicality of life? Am I just going back to the old god questions of why we're here and whats the point and yada yada, totally unoriginal everyone's been there before and settled on one belief or another. They've surround themselves in a shelf of deams and wishes and hopes and don't allow their minds to fuck with them as I allow mind to do to me. And I like to pride myself on being the smart one right, that's rich. I sit here on the bus and watch her sleep on another dude like she did with me, which I though was the greatest moment of my life and yet I can blow it off and say that's just what she does, she's a flirt, its not important and all of a sudden this "life altering" moment just gets killed and all I do is say well should've seen it coming. I base my decision to graduate early, go out and start to really live my life on whether I may or may not get to be with her…I mean that to sumone as presumably logical to me should sound like such a duh situation but at the same time I allow it fuck me over as it has. Maybe that's the purpose of life to actually get lost in those dreams and make things important to you. Hell if I know, I'm just nick, rambling about nothing and everything again.

I think my heads starting to hurt again, I've been sick all day just kind of in a daze thinking and I just wonder if me not caring about so much means that I don't care about everything or more importantly things I should care about more than anything. How am I qualified to decide?

[7] Transcending Past And (Un)illuminating Future

DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.

Current mood: discontent

What the fuck is wrong with people. I dont get it. sumthing is totally fucked up. Everyone knows about it. noone says a goddamn word but me. And then Im the asshole who cant just forget and go along with the bullshit. Fuck that, if theres a problem then do sumthing about it. dont crucify the ones who arent afraid of the truth. When then is it finally ok to say sumthing? After he hits her, after she cuts to far, after the life has been ruined and the time has been wasted? I get it, privacy yada yada and wanting to deal with ur own issues, Im as big an introvert as the rest of em but if I was totally fucked in whatever I was doing and my friends just thought theyd go along and not feel obligated to tell me just how fucked up I am then Id want to kick their ass. Whats the point of friends then? My friends wouldnt let me stay addicted to crack or consistently hurt sumone I cared about. My friends dont talk about the bad stuff behind my back w/o being able to tell me to my face. What the fuck is a friend nemore? I dont think neone has the slightest clue. If people want to be my friend then they know within ten minutes of being with me I will not beat around the bush and bullshit around things but give u the hard truth then and there whether neones mentally kosher with the idea at the time or not. If u dont like that then why pretend to be my friend. Why put on a face if all u perceive me as is a pompass loudmouth know-it-all? Id like to believe people want to know the truth so they know how to go about fixing their problems instead of searching for new ways to cope. How many times do I ask during the day, what? When sumone gives me that face or that under the breath thing? And u know why I ask because I want to make sure I actually did sumthign worth getting such reactions, did I say whats actually going on or was I just trying to be annoying..2 completely different things. Easy to just pass off what I say as nicks typical crap isnt it. especially because it gives u another excuse to put off dealing with ur own issues like everyone thinks they are sooooo capable of taking care of by themselves and nuthing to show for their "efforts". I see things in black and white, simple w/o the construed mixed emotion b/s. and most things are like that whether u choose to believe it or not. If ur too big a person to just tell me things or hear what needs to be said then stop playing like ur a friend of mine. I dont need faces and fake people in my life who only know how to play with drama instead of how to work to fix it. u know what u get with me, everyday the same, if Im not what ur about then why talk to me, why keep me around and pretend like Ill change and fit in the the regular flow of things. Id like to believe Im not totally insane when I rant and say things. Id like for people to agree with me because they actually feel the same way not because they need to be told how to feel or what to do. Im not u or hav ur life, I get that, but I also have the common sense god gave a goat and can see whats happening right in front of me. Maybe u actually get what Im saying but think it would be beyond outlandish to let urself agree. Hell if I know but that doesnt justify me always getting the bulk of the negative feedback for everyone elses conflicting inner self. most the people I know are seniors in highschool or new collegees, 16-21 year olds who still play the games. if ur not gonna grow out of running from ur problems now then how are u going to deal with shit in the future when those problems get even bigger and uve more time to worry and fuss and complicate things. A flaming bag of shit is being sucked towards a giant fan in so many peoples lives. Whats easier, let it hit and then clean up the aftermath or shut off the fan?

U control the switch, whether its me saying how to use it or u coming up with a reason for ur own it still needs to be flipped.

Whether u think Im talking about u or ur friend or a specific situation is irrelevant because the same reasoning can be applied to anything in life.

I feel as if this kinda shadows the last blog so w/e u think Im kinda pissed and dont care if u came to the same assumption because the point doesnt get old to me.

[6] Meaningful Catchy Titles Are So Blaze

DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.

Current mood: sleepy

so i've been told i make people think and have a way with words that isn't afraid to speak my mind. then they get angry at me. not because i told them what i think but because of w/e they start to think. like some people are scared or pissed at the thoughts they get. i don't understand it. i think this is why i nver hav like deep convos with too many people, its like hit on a subject, some comment as to why i'm stupid, awkward silence. i hate it cus then like a day later we're back to being cool and its like nuthing ever got said. its so easy to just forget and put things on the backburn in our minds but why. if u have a problem it will never get better until u come up with a course of action and fix it. things don't go away and will fuck with ur head even when u trick urself into believing they won't. talk or write or do sumthign to organize ur mind and put things into perspective. if u come to a conclusion that is "bad" or unpopular to ur regular way of thinking then explore how u got there and stop lying to urself about the person u really are. the whole reason people are regarded as fake is because they just can't find comfort in all the wrongs and rights that make them up. also, its not beyond dignity if u find someone to help u with things too. not always is ur mind in the right state to handle seemingly everything that falls into ur lap at the same time. life dosn't hav to be overwhelming nor do u hav to think of urself as some mystery that dosn't matter in the intricate webbing of it all. take everything in stride and realize there are more positive u can pull out of the absolute worst situations imaginable.

fyi i'm a listener and advice giver, i luv to influence minds in resolving issues and hopefully provide insight so if u think ur in a super fucked up place despite the whole "crazy nick" thing i've got workin for me i find myself able to get people happier wether they want to be or not.

[5] Damned If You Do, Fucked Even More If You Don't

DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.



Words are a bitch. Words cause good they cause bad, they arise feelings that weren't supposed to be there and they kill things that were so precious before words went and fucked with them. I've never been one too good with words as my everyday life seems to keep showing me. If u know me at all u know i'm the one who says the shit that pushes it over the edge and makes things all "nick wtf mate?" On the plus side though most people have learned that's just my way. i don't put too much stock into what people say, only actions. you can say the most seemingly hurtful and hateful thing to me and i can brush it off as if it was nuthing. i guess i just assume people can do the same thing when i say shit. so yeah turns out i'm hella wrong. For neone out there reading this that's ever felt angry, uncomfortable, offend or w/e else for the love of god please know that i say shit and don't think. Most if not all of the time when i say stupid shit to press ur buttons its because i'm cool with u and figure if u can put up with me to keep talking to me and even dish it back out then there isn't a problem. The problem comes when people can't just tell me exactly what i said or when i say sumthing that makes them uncomfortable. Its not my intent to piss off the world or make people i thought were my friends think i'm trying to be ultra creepy or stupid just for them. If you have a problem tell me outright. how will i ever learn to make those little personality tweeks that allow me to better relate to u if u hold shit in and never slap me in the face with it? i'm all about being who u are and doing what u want, and what i want is to be cool with people who want to be cool with me. everyone's different and if i'm around u i want to know exactly what's appropriate and what's not. Saying shit to managers at work for example about the dumbass usher conversations and comments i make instead of coming to me first is a major problem for me especially when i straight up asked for sumone to tell me when the envelope was pushed too far. Saying and doing are sooooo completly differnt. I know i'm a super perv sumtimes and saying some super perveted crap is totally different than me just going for a boob grab or sumthing. I just don't know what will become of this situation or how to really express my confusion and distress. I don't deny nething or regret nething cus this has been a major learning opportunity for me. Neone have a problem or comment as to what they hate or sumthing about me then hell use that as a comment or sumthing. No shit i'm not perfect, i'm crazy, and all that jazz but i want specifics, no holds bar, everything u think is wrong with me. I'm sick of blurred lines and misinterpretations.