Sunday,
March 8, 2009 at 5:12pm
My
third adventure reading up on what it means to be a sociopath has
left me with things I need to write down. First and foremost, I think
the majority of the self-tests are relatively unreliable and purely
contingent on if you can see what answer it is prompting the
sociopath for. Also, with a question like "are you sexually
promiscuous" I find it hard to believe it says much about the
nature of a sociopath if the random sample of questionees were drawn
from any group of 18-24 year old males. What intrigues me the most is
the amount of things that are so strikingly close to being dead-on,
but just miss it relative to me. For example, with regards to
empathy, I do enjoy a good stint of just making someone feel bad,
granted if they deserve it, and can walk away without a tinge of
regret or empathy as the tears well up and the visible body quivers
show that the words actually sunk in. I don't personally feel like
I'm that intimidating, but I also know that it's when I'm not trying
to be that I may be coming off like I am. You must understand, I find
these kind of phenomena fascinating. I think what's been written
about lying is pretty funny as well. While I hardly think I'm a
pathological liar, I don't scoff at what I've gotten away with. It
still is a tad nerve racking in the anticipation of all the things
that can go wrong, but that only goes so far. They say that time
heals all pain; I think this should be reworked into time heals all
anxiety.
The concept of this "terrible emptiness" that comes up in an article I read is intriguing for two reasons. One I think it only tells half the story and doesn't encapsulate what is going on in that "terribly empty," at least of "real" feeling person's head. Two, I think there is a bigger collective "terrible emptiness" that stems from more than the particular person's environment, but instead speaks to the bigger social problem. I have a really hard time buying into any sort of specified diagnosis regarding my behavior, simply because I see it reflected in enough people back to me. Sociopaths are allegedly unendingly bored, a symptom I find in almost every college student I've met regardless of how many movies, football games, or homeworks they can pack into their schedule. Your supposed to have this grandiose feeling of entitlement and self worth if you want to fall in line with your fellow sociopaths. Maybe I just try to hang around enterprising people with self-esteem, but practically, life has taught us that you can get as far as your work and connections will take you. Have a tremendous goal so that if you fall short you still accomplish something huge.
Now to go off in a different direction. I try to avoid drama. One thing that has become overwhelmingly apparent is that most drama comes from our social interactions. I, being maddeningly rational, attempt to break down why these social interactions are either a hell or a haven. The people that have always gotten along best with me are the people that know they don't need me to be around in order to be happy. In fact, perhaps more often than not, me not being around allows them to do their own thing the way they like even more so. I believe everything breaks down to the individual. Being secure in yourself, motivated and understood, my trust in you comes from your trust in yourself. Acquiring this level of trust in yourself is a painstaking endeavor. Thus, I am reassured by your tenacity to accept this challenge and put yourself through this process. This is what I trust. It is a drastically different situation than simply having high self esteem or endlessly touting some goal or belief higher than all others.
I need trust. The problem is, people don't feel the need to put themselves through the mental rigors that illicit this trust. There are many a pitfall that enshroud your mind when you start on the road of "dangerous," "pessimistic," or introspective thought. Instead of exploring all of them, I'll just point to what I think is the biggest one; depression. Depression here encapsulates hopelessness, emptiness, no motivation, perhaps anger, inability to resolve problems, and defensiveness. It is easy for smart, or maybe those who've begun this thoughtful process, people to look at the world and see all the obvious reasons for why it is shit. One could go on for days and indeed many works have been written about the human condition alone, let alone its standing with other entities and its environment. Each "new" experience can be written off as just another movie, just another party, meaningless gesture, the logical result of that amount of time spent doing that particular activity resulting in said "skill." I want to argue that this ability to see the future or instantly understand a situation is no reason to be depressed. If anything it should enhance your drive to think that much further and push your predictive powers that much harder.
One of the biggest reasons I hold this view comes from personal experience. While there isn't exactly a one to one ratio of things I've gotten right to things I've gotten wrong, some simple "law" always creeps in to humble me when I try to convince myself of just how right I really am. On the notion that no human has any more or less predictive powers than me, and can feed off the same social information, I think it is reasonable to assume that if your chin is held so high that you've begun to black out in the stratosphere, maybe you should spend a little more time pretending your still genetically equal to the rest of us mere mortals. The greatest thing about being wrong, particularly if it doesn't result in jail time or physical pain, is that you get the opportunity to learn. The people that are so bored or lost in themselves because the world around them is hopeless, need to see the opportunity and accept that we all can stand to grow up. I say that I can understand the depressed thought pattern, and I hope people don't think I'm bullshitting. A big thing that got me out of it is to look at the absurdity of where that leads to. I had to fully realize what that associates me with. You must actively shower scorn upon such thoughts and associations or you will forever be controlled by them.
Well, I don't want this to trail too far away from the how's and what's where this relates to our social interactions. When you find the people that can find it in them to have even a meager enthusiasm for life or happiness after they've undergone the "on-the-level" test, I believe life can lead any and everywhere those people want to take it. When you run into people who are infuriatingly close to said level, you get the ups and downs that come with someone who has yet to keep their emotions in check, but still understands enough about themselves, and you, to draw you into a battle I wish was reserved for the next group of people. The final group of those who hardly ever think, live their life by accident and convenience, move from one conversation about, like, you know, to whatever that's just gay.
So my ultimate rationalist dream is this; a free society of people on the level, or working to get there, who's main focus isn't for "new and exciting" but happily sustainable. I think there is a major fault in our reasoning that says there is somewhere for us to go. Like there is some "human final" that all of our thought and struggle is contributing towards. The difference between suicidal thoughts and a suicidal victim is the conversation you had with yourself leading up to that moment. Should it be filled with "woe is me" testaments and adolescent rationalizations for how the world made you this way? Is it really so appropriate to point the ever stretching finger at all the people who conspired towards your downfall? This is why I tell people who talk about killing themselves to just do it. Logically, if I literally cannot find rhyme nor reason for why I'm here, nobody to provide a hint of evidence showing that I enjoy life or can make an improvement, and nothing standing in any of my relationships or actions that I can be proud of, then that's what I would do.
All of this torments my thoughts. It all contributes to my angst of being in college. Working on ways of fixing what I view as the bigger problems in life, is stifled by the time I waste writing bullshit reports or reading from English speaking authors who still manage to butcher English. I want the group of people who can show everyone else that there is an alternative to the practice begrudgingly referred to simply as life. There no longer has to be this struggle of "us vs them" on these superimposed "levels" I've denoted. I can't imagine that we would even have the word objective if there wasn't a way to measure your happiness against your contribution to yourself and the people around you. I guess I just want everyone to just "be." When you can get there you can understand how and why you should be happy. Then, sustaining and appreciating it will quell or manipulate the boredom, displace the depression, and constantly organize the torrent of thoughts into a ever expanding and changing mental framework you've purposefully chosen to understand the world. When this framework reassuringly surprises you with how similar it compares with other happy, and not merely contented, people, you'll know your doing right.
The concept of this "terrible emptiness" that comes up in an article I read is intriguing for two reasons. One I think it only tells half the story and doesn't encapsulate what is going on in that "terribly empty," at least of "real" feeling person's head. Two, I think there is a bigger collective "terrible emptiness" that stems from more than the particular person's environment, but instead speaks to the bigger social problem. I have a really hard time buying into any sort of specified diagnosis regarding my behavior, simply because I see it reflected in enough people back to me. Sociopaths are allegedly unendingly bored, a symptom I find in almost every college student I've met regardless of how many movies, football games, or homeworks they can pack into their schedule. Your supposed to have this grandiose feeling of entitlement and self worth if you want to fall in line with your fellow sociopaths. Maybe I just try to hang around enterprising people with self-esteem, but practically, life has taught us that you can get as far as your work and connections will take you. Have a tremendous goal so that if you fall short you still accomplish something huge.
Now to go off in a different direction. I try to avoid drama. One thing that has become overwhelmingly apparent is that most drama comes from our social interactions. I, being maddeningly rational, attempt to break down why these social interactions are either a hell or a haven. The people that have always gotten along best with me are the people that know they don't need me to be around in order to be happy. In fact, perhaps more often than not, me not being around allows them to do their own thing the way they like even more so. I believe everything breaks down to the individual. Being secure in yourself, motivated and understood, my trust in you comes from your trust in yourself. Acquiring this level of trust in yourself is a painstaking endeavor. Thus, I am reassured by your tenacity to accept this challenge and put yourself through this process. This is what I trust. It is a drastically different situation than simply having high self esteem or endlessly touting some goal or belief higher than all others.
I need trust. The problem is, people don't feel the need to put themselves through the mental rigors that illicit this trust. There are many a pitfall that enshroud your mind when you start on the road of "dangerous," "pessimistic," or introspective thought. Instead of exploring all of them, I'll just point to what I think is the biggest one; depression. Depression here encapsulates hopelessness, emptiness, no motivation, perhaps anger, inability to resolve problems, and defensiveness. It is easy for smart, or maybe those who've begun this thoughtful process, people to look at the world and see all the obvious reasons for why it is shit. One could go on for days and indeed many works have been written about the human condition alone, let alone its standing with other entities and its environment. Each "new" experience can be written off as just another movie, just another party, meaningless gesture, the logical result of that amount of time spent doing that particular activity resulting in said "skill." I want to argue that this ability to see the future or instantly understand a situation is no reason to be depressed. If anything it should enhance your drive to think that much further and push your predictive powers that much harder.
One of the biggest reasons I hold this view comes from personal experience. While there isn't exactly a one to one ratio of things I've gotten right to things I've gotten wrong, some simple "law" always creeps in to humble me when I try to convince myself of just how right I really am. On the notion that no human has any more or less predictive powers than me, and can feed off the same social information, I think it is reasonable to assume that if your chin is held so high that you've begun to black out in the stratosphere, maybe you should spend a little more time pretending your still genetically equal to the rest of us mere mortals. The greatest thing about being wrong, particularly if it doesn't result in jail time or physical pain, is that you get the opportunity to learn. The people that are so bored or lost in themselves because the world around them is hopeless, need to see the opportunity and accept that we all can stand to grow up. I say that I can understand the depressed thought pattern, and I hope people don't think I'm bullshitting. A big thing that got me out of it is to look at the absurdity of where that leads to. I had to fully realize what that associates me with. You must actively shower scorn upon such thoughts and associations or you will forever be controlled by them.
Well, I don't want this to trail too far away from the how's and what's where this relates to our social interactions. When you find the people that can find it in them to have even a meager enthusiasm for life or happiness after they've undergone the "on-the-level" test, I believe life can lead any and everywhere those people want to take it. When you run into people who are infuriatingly close to said level, you get the ups and downs that come with someone who has yet to keep their emotions in check, but still understands enough about themselves, and you, to draw you into a battle I wish was reserved for the next group of people. The final group of those who hardly ever think, live their life by accident and convenience, move from one conversation about, like, you know, to whatever that's just gay.
So my ultimate rationalist dream is this; a free society of people on the level, or working to get there, who's main focus isn't for "new and exciting" but happily sustainable. I think there is a major fault in our reasoning that says there is somewhere for us to go. Like there is some "human final" that all of our thought and struggle is contributing towards. The difference between suicidal thoughts and a suicidal victim is the conversation you had with yourself leading up to that moment. Should it be filled with "woe is me" testaments and adolescent rationalizations for how the world made you this way? Is it really so appropriate to point the ever stretching finger at all the people who conspired towards your downfall? This is why I tell people who talk about killing themselves to just do it. Logically, if I literally cannot find rhyme nor reason for why I'm here, nobody to provide a hint of evidence showing that I enjoy life or can make an improvement, and nothing standing in any of my relationships or actions that I can be proud of, then that's what I would do.
All of this torments my thoughts. It all contributes to my angst of being in college. Working on ways of fixing what I view as the bigger problems in life, is stifled by the time I waste writing bullshit reports or reading from English speaking authors who still manage to butcher English. I want the group of people who can show everyone else that there is an alternative to the practice begrudgingly referred to simply as life. There no longer has to be this struggle of "us vs them" on these superimposed "levels" I've denoted. I can't imagine that we would even have the word objective if there wasn't a way to measure your happiness against your contribution to yourself and the people around you. I guess I just want everyone to just "be." When you can get there you can understand how and why you should be happy. Then, sustaining and appreciating it will quell or manipulate the boredom, displace the depression, and constantly organize the torrent of thoughts into a ever expanding and changing mental framework you've purposefully chosen to understand the world. When this framework reassuringly surprises you with how similar it compares with other happy, and not merely contented, people, you'll know your doing right.
