Monday,
October 13, 2008 at 3:22pm
Why
am I able to feel like I would be able to just not give a fuck about
people I say I care about? I think I may be sick. The only way that
something becomes "true" is an affirmation of its
truth.(For the love of everything holy, don't apply this to how I
view science) Action over words. It makes sense that I would
contradict myself in words I suppose, especially after admitting and
recognizing I am indeed a contradiction. Why are people then unable
to just take my actions as a deeper signifier of truth or what I
think? I am the pinnacle of what it means to be an empty shell with
regards to "feelings." I remember as a kid not being
terribly attached to people, but was terribly attached to my stuffed
animals and blankets and such. There was a point in history where I
did love my mom and actually worried for and cared about her. I guess
I would have to say she'd be the first on my list of people I forced
myself to break any emotional connection from. Then of course came
"dream girl". I get to get all love minded and dramatic
only to force myself to stop. Not necessarily stop caring, but
absolutely douse whatever flame kept me awake at night and made her
the only thing I could think about. I was pretty close to my grandma,
then she went and had a stroke and is now brain dead. I suppose you
could add her to the list of people I have to stop feeling/thinking
about in terms of compelling love. She was the only one that I think
really was able to convey more than the simple word. Your parents are
almost trained to say it, and less we forget, are legally obligated
to take care of you. My mom could then go on some spiel or invoke
"motherly love," and then, I guess, not think twice about
doing things that would seem to contradict it. I think I've been
forced to develop either a kill switch or concrete buffer that keeps
me from mentally fucking myself over people I used to care so much
about. This is why I regard my actions as so important. They will
tell people what they need to know. And, if on the off chance I come
across people who actually understand anything about themselves and
life, neither my tendency to manipulate nor my tenacity would be able
to hurt them. I won't have to worry that by being me, I hurt people I
care about. People simply don't understand this.
My dad would be an interesting case to look at. I would say I love my dad. He's always taken care of me and conveyed in it more ways then just saying it or creating a "take it for granted" vibe. Because I love my dad and try in greater measure than for others to regard his feelings, I allow myself to be inhibited towards things that I may not otherwise really give a shit about. This would seem in contradiction to my view that you should just "do you" no matter what other people think, and if it makes you happy without being overtly destructive then whatever. The kind of happiness or pride I get from dignifying my dad over someone else is simply what I choose to override my other "rule" that lies in contradiction. Is the system perfect, of course not, and I've fucked up plenty of times to hurt what I think about my dad and I's relationship. But, my honest tries to, my significant actions, are what keep me feeling justified or good about myself. I'm about getting to whatever point I can with someone, and sharing that level of relationship. I don't get hung up on what could have been or what I know could've been manipulated from something. I want every ounce of real, and am apparently willing to risk "disaster" for it. I want what's there, and won't fool myself about what's not.
This isn't the most reassuring message. I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to think and feel this way. I don't really know what this will mean for me years down the road. All I can really be sure of is that I'll never know when to shut up, and I won't stop looking for honesty and understanding. There was definitely part of me that liked to want, need, yearn, and love, and I know I could choose to behave like that again, but I don't think I can see the point any longer. I don't see what good it is to induce things in yourself that don't translate into anything more than tweaked brain chemistry. I don't have to be "lit up" to recognize the type of people that matter and what I want to be around. I will show those people just what they mean to me. It's too easy to be misunderstood with words, or induce your own meaning between what someone's told you. I don't really know what to tell those people who can't feel like this is good enough. It's the most honest I can be, and the best way I've come across to really understanding anything. I'd be better off not knowing how to illicit certain responses from others.
I don't like playing pretend, but I recognize when that seems to be the "only" option.
My dad would be an interesting case to look at. I would say I love my dad. He's always taken care of me and conveyed in it more ways then just saying it or creating a "take it for granted" vibe. Because I love my dad and try in greater measure than for others to regard his feelings, I allow myself to be inhibited towards things that I may not otherwise really give a shit about. This would seem in contradiction to my view that you should just "do you" no matter what other people think, and if it makes you happy without being overtly destructive then whatever. The kind of happiness or pride I get from dignifying my dad over someone else is simply what I choose to override my other "rule" that lies in contradiction. Is the system perfect, of course not, and I've fucked up plenty of times to hurt what I think about my dad and I's relationship. But, my honest tries to, my significant actions, are what keep me feeling justified or good about myself. I'm about getting to whatever point I can with someone, and sharing that level of relationship. I don't get hung up on what could have been or what I know could've been manipulated from something. I want every ounce of real, and am apparently willing to risk "disaster" for it. I want what's there, and won't fool myself about what's not.
This isn't the most reassuring message. I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to think and feel this way. I don't really know what this will mean for me years down the road. All I can really be sure of is that I'll never know when to shut up, and I won't stop looking for honesty and understanding. There was definitely part of me that liked to want, need, yearn, and love, and I know I could choose to behave like that again, but I don't think I can see the point any longer. I don't see what good it is to induce things in yourself that don't translate into anything more than tweaked brain chemistry. I don't have to be "lit up" to recognize the type of people that matter and what I want to be around. I will show those people just what they mean to me. It's too easy to be misunderstood with words, or induce your own meaning between what someone's told you. I don't really know what to tell those people who can't feel like this is good enough. It's the most honest I can be, and the best way I've come across to really understanding anything. I'd be better off not knowing how to illicit certain responses from others.
I don't like playing pretend, but I recognize when that seems to be the "only" option.
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