Thursday,
August 28, 2008 at 11:02pm
There's
something odd about the child/parent relationship. While you're feeling
like an independent mind with your own likes and dreams, your parents
feel like you're but an extension of them. They can't even imagine
having something they are more proud of or means more to them than
you. Mind you, this both in general and coming from my own
experience. I think we're all well versed in the good things that
come about with parents that raise you, and are at least basically
stable. I'd rather say a bit about the bad the comes with being an
unaware parent.
The first problem I brushed over above, and that's about autonomy. Each person is there own person whether or not they are influenced by their parents greatly or barely. I think when parents fail to realize this, you get the usual teenage girl tantrum as she runs upstairs to change her clothes. I would like to think that if I were raising kids, I'd let them essentially think and do for themselves and be sort of like the sides in the game Operation. For example, the fifteen year old girl comes downstairs w/o a bra, there's a problem, but if an outfit won't get her kicked out of school, who am I to impose how I think a fifteen year old girl should look? Conveying my biases or views is one thing, but policing something so trivial seems just that. I wouldn't want to be the stigma when it came to piercings or tattoos either. They are harmless and until you want to disk your lip or hang bicycle chains from your nose, I won't have a thing to say.
I think part of the major responsibility of parents is to not guilt trip over what are the parent's choices. For example, to say something like “I wiped your ass, bought you food, and gave you a house to sleep in” is just a stupid statement. What other choice did they have? Anybody who's having kids is expected to take care of them in all the usual ways. The only thing you can hold over their heads would be general allowances independent of the chained events you, as a parent, started. Even then, by the time the kid is old and responsible enough to get those allowances, it shouldn't take resorting to something like that to get your point across.
As it goes with my parents, they both were/are capable of taking care of me, but those extenuating things I have a problem with above, manifest in varying degrees between them. For example, most parents, I'm assuming, would be thrilled that their kids read and would take five minutes to hear their child's thoughts on the story, but that's a little much for my mom because I talked enough as it was. I've been thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced for a while, but I can still remember my dad saying years ago that he doesn't like piercings, and got that “parental frown” aptly pointed in my direction. We used to go the mall or county fair with my mom, but it was always because she wanted to, not really because she wanted to do anything with or for us. Same came with Christmas presents. “You should be happy with whatever you get,” the old adage goes, but to me it says more about how you view your kids when you listen to them, and not arbitrarily waist money on things you both know will never be used nor appreciated. My easiest example is when I said I'd be happy with a card if my mom was having financial troubles, and instead got a bunch of pure junk and random things “she thought” would be cute or nice. I was pissed she wasted the money, I was more pissed she didn't just listen to what I said in the first place. That Christmas didn't go so well lol.
Bah, so the whole point of all that was just to highlight my view that listening and recognizing are crazy important for the development of a person, not just “your kid.” The things that have stayed with me the most aren't when my parents made mistakes or got angry at me for doing something stupid, it was whether or not they actually acknowledged and listened to the things I felt were important. It was them being aware that I was in the area and on their minds. Don't use your kids as tools for your own agenda or to fix your mistakes. And while it sounds like an old cliché, I'm amazed at how often I still encounter it.
The first problem I brushed over above, and that's about autonomy. Each person is there own person whether or not they are influenced by their parents greatly or barely. I think when parents fail to realize this, you get the usual teenage girl tantrum as she runs upstairs to change her clothes. I would like to think that if I were raising kids, I'd let them essentially think and do for themselves and be sort of like the sides in the game Operation. For example, the fifteen year old girl comes downstairs w/o a bra, there's a problem, but if an outfit won't get her kicked out of school, who am I to impose how I think a fifteen year old girl should look? Conveying my biases or views is one thing, but policing something so trivial seems just that. I wouldn't want to be the stigma when it came to piercings or tattoos either. They are harmless and until you want to disk your lip or hang bicycle chains from your nose, I won't have a thing to say.
I think part of the major responsibility of parents is to not guilt trip over what are the parent's choices. For example, to say something like “I wiped your ass, bought you food, and gave you a house to sleep in” is just a stupid statement. What other choice did they have? Anybody who's having kids is expected to take care of them in all the usual ways. The only thing you can hold over their heads would be general allowances independent of the chained events you, as a parent, started. Even then, by the time the kid is old and responsible enough to get those allowances, it shouldn't take resorting to something like that to get your point across.
As it goes with my parents, they both were/are capable of taking care of me, but those extenuating things I have a problem with above, manifest in varying degrees between them. For example, most parents, I'm assuming, would be thrilled that their kids read and would take five minutes to hear their child's thoughts on the story, but that's a little much for my mom because I talked enough as it was. I've been thinking about getting my eyebrow pierced for a while, but I can still remember my dad saying years ago that he doesn't like piercings, and got that “parental frown” aptly pointed in my direction. We used to go the mall or county fair with my mom, but it was always because she wanted to, not really because she wanted to do anything with or for us. Same came with Christmas presents. “You should be happy with whatever you get,” the old adage goes, but to me it says more about how you view your kids when you listen to them, and not arbitrarily waist money on things you both know will never be used nor appreciated. My easiest example is when I said I'd be happy with a card if my mom was having financial troubles, and instead got a bunch of pure junk and random things “she thought” would be cute or nice. I was pissed she wasted the money, I was more pissed she didn't just listen to what I said in the first place. That Christmas didn't go so well lol.
Bah, so the whole point of all that was just to highlight my view that listening and recognizing are crazy important for the development of a person, not just “your kid.” The things that have stayed with me the most aren't when my parents made mistakes or got angry at me for doing something stupid, it was whether or not they actually acknowledged and listened to the things I felt were important. It was them being aware that I was in the area and on their minds. Don't use your kids as tools for your own agenda or to fix your mistakes. And while it sounds like an old cliché, I'm amazed at how often I still encounter it.
