I’m
proposing a challenge. Help me drop out of college
I’m
staring two papers (total 10 pages) two midterms (total bullshit) in
the face and all I can think about is how bad I want to drop out of
this fucking place. I don’t like the feeling of not being in
control of my life. “Of course” I always am, and to all of you
go-getters that say “Do everything you want in your free time just
make sure to get the school work done” you clearly don’t
appreciate how disgusting I feel dedicating any of my time towards
school.
I
want to start businesses. It’s a simple enough goal. I want to
provide a service, make something, or entertain people for money.
Whether it’s introducing rich kids to my hot friends dressed
scantily, building custom pong tables, or helping start a coffee
shop, it hasn’t taken anyone four years of random classes and
unrealistic expectations to wrap their head around this process.
Presumably
we are in school for a reason. We are arming ourselves with knowledge
to “compete” with our fellow man for the ever decreasing number
of jobs and opportunities. We are becoming “well-rounded” and
“manageable.” The connections and resources we take away are
supposed to influence everything, if only being able to email an old
professor. When you achieve in school you matter just a notch more in
society and can look down your nose at all those who’ve yet to
swallow the amounts you have.
I
have more than a few issues with that premise. Let’s take for
granted it isn’t evil or purely designed for fucking me and my
parents out of thousands of dollars. If you are so passionate about
something you can think of no better time than sitting and reading
old papers and theorizing new tests to run to further your field, go
to college. If you want to be a number on a ledger in a corporate
office and consistently told how to manage or behave or look, go to
college. If you want to be a doctor, go to college. Anyone else is
here out of tradition. Even our prestigious music school will almost
certainly never place you anywhere beyond a feeder orchestra maybe
making enough for a cheap apartment.
Every
day I participate. Every day I shut up and deal, I feel as if I’m
actively killing how I actually believe and am struggling to express
while still immersed. I care absolutely nothing about how wrong the
earliest philosophers and psychologists were about the nature of
reality. I could never even persuade myself to care about why
stereotypes of men and women exist and how blind we believe we are to
advertising. Please oh please make me suffer a 26 year old p.h.d.
teacher “skim” an explanation of evolution when I’d put money
on at least 10% of the class not even believing in it.
Because
we invest so much of our focus in this structure and it being the
“only” or “best” way to achieve stability and happiness, we
completely ignore and deny the conversations and relationships that
could be shaping our current realities. Because there is no money is
happiness and creativity. You always need an initial investment, or
person to fill in some blank of knowledge. Once you’re “stable
and mature” you’ll be capable of taking such risks and having fun
with what you always dreamed you’d be doing. Of course by that time
you’re 35 and have made much more impactful, and dare I say
damning, decisions that provide all the excuses you’ll ever need.
I
don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself over a 7 page
paper discussing how people qualify the words sex and gender. I will
derive no happiness; I will feel invaluable and wasted. It’s not
something I could even remotely have reason to persuade myself to be
happy about. And yet, I will watch and feel myself die a little more
and struggle to tie together random papers and bullshit to fulfill
the requirement and pass. I’m not sure why anymore. I thought it
was to perpetuate my current lifestyle, but I could get a job and pay
the bills. It’s not to impress parents. It’s not that I secretly
do want to go into psychology. And it certainly isn’t the case that
I have nothing better to do. Someone please explain to me why I lead
such a contradictory lifestyle.
The
whole problem is feeling like I have no purpose. I of course
subscribe to a ton of purposes, but everything about being in school
screams to me the idea that I’m not in control. My choices only
matter insofar as they can let me bitch, but still hand over the
cash. I can hate to my heart’s content as long as I’m “still
doing what I have to do.”
It
was here that I originally posted the opening lines of this blog. I
want to enable and be enabled. I won’t leave to circle jerk my way
around some pet project or ill-conceived dream. I won’t leave to
jump right into the fast food or retail chain. I’m not joining the
Peace Corps or randomly backpacking the world to find myself. I want
to be put to meaningful work. I want to generate a profit. I want to
be an example. If you know the people or the projects that want the
same things I’m asking for your help to get connected with them.
Here’s a secret, this isn’t a hidden world I desperately need to
be introduced to, and will almost certainly involve your wishes,
dreams and desires.
Of
all the material things I could need to start a proper business, of
all the know-how I never got in college, I will never escape the
guilt of wasted time. No, assuming I really do need to pass midterms
and turn in these papers it isn’t realistic to spend 8 hours a day
playing guitar and drums. No, when I’m in class during normal
business hours, I can’t spend two hours on the phone with the IRS
trying to wrap my head around one of ten numbers that tell the
government I’m legal. When you’ve got that job maybe jumping
paycheck to paycheck it’s not hard to believe that making it out to
city hall to hopefully run into someone that matters and can explain
to you grants and zoning starts to seem impossible.
It
isn’t just your “endless drive and spirit” that gets you
places. You need time to focus. You need people to share the burden.
You have to know the politics and personalities that will carry into
all the future work you do. I can’t pretend that people who succeed
to such notoriety or power didn’t have someone open a door or two.
Yes, I hold the responsibility to act, but I reserve the right to
act efficiently and purposefully. I’ve seen what a few hours or
a handful of the “right” people can do to a situation. I’m
under no delusion about the value of school or work for work’s
sake.
To
a greater extent, everything I want I already have. The only missing
piece is feeling the pursuit of more. Being able to express how I
feel about my life and the people I’ve let into it in a much more
grandiose capacity than house parties. How terrible it would be for
so much potential to stay trapped in my head.
