Almost certainly, this will be terrible. I have no guiding light. I’m not continuing a specific strife with grounded examples you’ll be able to neatly follow. All I know is I’ve wanted to talk, but I’m alone. I’ve brushed against themes or basic ideas. None could, in and of themselves, land. So here we are!
I am truly thankful I had that mom call me out. You clocked that I’m frustrated or annoyed? Bitch, that’s my standing disposition. It has nothing to do with your kid lol. Your kid just happens to be one that gets physical with staff and other kids. I wish I didn’t have to debate accommodating that, but such is the nature of greedy negligence.
Every day I think I hate religion more. It’s the fundamental shifting of responsibility more than any sense about something “higher” or “all powerful.” You know why the Jesus tale is so compelling? You’re off the hook. That’s it. It’s no longer about how you felt, thought, or acted. You get a Jesus to wipe up with. I think that propensity, the celebration and habit will be what kills us all.
As a former business owner, I’m kinda relieved to see that other small-business owners are just as messy, if not even moreso. It’s truly enlightening to see that, you’re not even trying to do something wrong, but it’s damn near impossible to get the hundred things you need to get right, right often enough. You need the good will, the hustle, and a decent brain, but damn, shit is gonna stay messy for a really long time.
If I end up out of debt in about 2 months, and free myself up to having 3 or 4 days off a week, I don’t know precisely how I will handle that. My worst “fears” will be confirmed, in that life kinda changes on a dime, and I’ve always been capable, but just needed the right circumstance. I don’t want to believe it because it’s too much the exact opposite of everything I’ve ever known, but it doesn’t feel naive and impossible. That alone leaves me feeling confused. We’ll see, I guess.
My cousin died the other day. We weren’t close and he had some pretty severe mental health issues that put the writing on the wall. I don’t know when the funeral will be, but I’m already trying to prepare for the “act” of being like “in the family.” It’s not quite an “insidious” thing, but it just feels very silly. If we cared about each other, we’d hang. We’d reach out and support. We’d relate in honest ways. I have a whole pool of bloodline that I swim in out of circumstance. I’m to mourn a cousin who in 36 years I don’t know if I’ve spent a full week’s worth of time with?
Mother’s Day just passed to. My step-mom is cool. I didn’t wish her a happy mother’s day. The one year I did, it meant a lot to her. That worried me. I don’t want that kind of emotional effect on people. Welcome to the nature of my trauma? lol Who knows what to make of that. I don’t think she’s naive, but I’m hesitant with anyone who can’t accept that I’m just kinda “there” when it comes to emotional stuff. I don’t want to mislead. A distant or cold yet cordial and often enthusiastic dynamic feels more honest than, “I’m trying to make you feel good with something I say!”
My dad said I should reach out to my aunt in that same vein. I said, “Hey aunt Janet, I’m so sorry to hear about Mikey. I know there's nothing that can be said or done that can take away the grief, but I know how much you love your family and I’m sure he felt that.” She does love her family. She’s done a lot of things I’d never do to the people or family I might claim to love. Her son dying isn’t the occasion to bring those things up. She’s never done anything particularly bad to me. I like her. I’ve seen her considerably more often than I have my cousin. I said what I think is the right thing because I learned how as an addiction counselor. Does it matter what I feel…or explicitly don’t?
If I get out of debt in a couple months, I’d keep the money train going so I could try to reach a more even financial plain with my two closest friends. They’re fine, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t play the role of needy very well. It’s nothing about them I’m worried about, just my own capacity to account for the holes I’ve dug myself and bets I’ve taken on my ideas.
As I’ve gotten older, money has felt “looser” to me. It used to be this more concrete concept I sought out for its own sake. I didn’t think I could carry the psychological weight of debt or owing anybody anything. Eventually, you kinda realize that’s the nature of all things, and just because there’s a dollar amount attached to it doesn’t mean something “more” about your character, capacity, or intentions. Hold on a second, I need another beer.
I’ve been a big believer for a long time that it’s “little” things that make a ton of difference in the world. When you shift just a bit and you persist in that shift, you end up with something often radically different than you conclude in advance of that shift. I think about it in the context of how I spend my time. I used to spend an inordinate amount of time at my “best friend’s” house watching his fledgling relationship with the kid he pretended to adopt, GTA game play, and drum corps videos as smoke billowed from whatever they were smoking.
Now? I spend time going to concerts, eating and drinking at new places, and talking about academic and travel things. All I had to do was shift my focus to a friend who was more on the let’s grow and do things path versus the let’s talk in circles and make excuses one. Very little about my day to day had to change but for my attention. I get to have a friend where I worry about being able to bring more to the table instead of try to justify how I’m getting taken advantage of. It’s the place to be, I recommend shifting if you’ve been in the same spot.
I’ve been getting my house in order with things to throw away and burn. Every time I look at the more open space I just feel good. I’ve got 4 new woodworking tools. Almost certainly soon I’ll be buying a bass and the missing pieces of a drum set. I’ve been in my shed-house/fort for like 8 years? I can’t think of a better decision I’ve made that’s influenced so much of my life. I’ve been to almost 350 comedy/music shows in the last 3.5 years, traveled to Canada, Florida, Arizona, and California for funsees. I have every intention of finding a way in which I can routinely take long weekends all over the place, particularly if I can get in the rhythm with my job. All of it purely because I don’t have rent or a mortgage.
I think one of my favorite things about me is that I’m unwilling to let myself get comfortable. I’m not the kind of Steve Jobs energy that will belligerently railroad through my ideas at the expense of all decency or tact. But what I worry most about fixing my core underlying issue is how wide the world will then feel. What will I be obligated to build that has lingered for a decade? What fresh hell will I need to fight because, if not the increasingly rich in time and cash guy, who? It’s a space I’ve felt entitled to my whole life, but have practically never been able to occupy the space for every long.
I almost started a blog a few days ago with “I suffer my idealism.” I’m a dreamer. I legit believe I am capable of a fuuuuuuuuck ton, and think “we” are also capable of considerably more than we demonstrate for ourselves each day. I think this because I work with people and I see change happen in real time for those who take things seriously. I think this because I, when given the opportunity, immediately begin working and creating the things I need to, still in theory, get precisely what I want and need. I didn’t wait to create the packet of materials for the 70+ people I would be seizing their “casework” management. I sat down for 7 hours, got 90% done, and am ready to go. I put in 70 notes, do 4 IOP groups, wah-lah, $2,100. That could literally be 5 days away. You think I give a fuck about a weekend for that kind of money/opportunity?
I’ve always wanted to be the guy that was like “boom, here’s the money.” Not because it would necessarily say anything important about me, but because that’s literally “all” it takes. You get what you invest in. The money is there, it’s just in the rich people’s pockets. The struggle is illusory, but we’re not fighting for the right things, which is each other. I shouldn’t have to aspire to being the one who could “magically” fix the issues of those in my orbit. I should exist in a context that’s overtly concerned with eliminating basic concerns altogether. But, I so rarely see that happening. It’s why I’m the way I am. If I don’t believe in it and make it real, that shit don’t exist.
I could have gone to Chicago this weekend. Seen 3 different shows every day and driven back with plenty of time to get to work. Having not done so, this like freedom to just kinda sleep in or dick around is feeling invigorating. I’ve spent many months/years in this exact state, but rarely after 6 months of at least one job, let alone 2, where I’m not home for 15 hours a day. I’ll catch Larkin Poe, IAmDynamite, and Drew Dunn eventually I bet.
Was that enough of a bizarre and disjointed ride? I think I’m gonna pee and go play with my new tools. It’s 3AM. I slept in until 4 PM today. If I wake up at the same time tomorrow, I can still make it to Indy for Between the Buried and Me. I also need to add a few things to my casework packet.
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