[1199] Pending

I’m thankful that time appears to have returned to it’s “normal” pace for me this week. That said, I’ve still yet to find a new flow. I’ve been the kind of tired I hear people my age and older routinely complain about, so yesterday I went straight to bed after getting home around 7:30. I woke up a few hours later and went straight back to sleep. I’ve still been yawning all day and staving off a headache.

I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to “check out” until enough time goes by that I’m not thinking too hard about my obligations. I don’t really like my jobs, or at least how they operate, so the less I have to ruminate on details the better. My coworkers at The Y like to complain about the same set of injustices, poor communication, and exploitation pieces. I was at the “shit or get off the pot (unionize)” or don’t page day 1. The IOP program I work for is either in serious denial about its lack of organization, or is due for an upswing because every day feels like a roll of the dice.

I got my taxes done, late, and am due a small chunk of money that would comfortably buy my missing woodworking equipment with plenty of room to spare. I’m hesitant to do so because I’m otherwise feeling so busy and out of time. Even my weekends filled with fun things are plagued with the thoughts of what’s to come. Every show in Chicago is 4 hours back home or a 6:30 wake up for a 2 hours drive to get to work on time. Say I get my tools, I’m fitting in projects, maybe, at the end of long days or after I wake up on weekends?

At the same time, I have a sincere desire to get out of debt. I could pop that money straight into the arms of the debt consolidation company. Then what? I give myself that much less to look forward to? I handicap the individual creative means I’m still exploring to escape the grind? That feels pointless.

I’ve been using my second job as leverage to be sassy and annoying at The Y. I was given a task to record on a printed-out calendar every time me, or someone on my team, interacts with the staff at our school. Mind you, half of my staff work at the school, and literally every day we talk to the front desk ladies, the custodians, the teachers who walk the kids over, and I text the principal with some regularity. What does my supervisor do when I tell her this? She insists on the calendar. Honestly, here’s the email exchange, because it’s just too exactly how fucking dumb people are.

“Hello! I have not received your touchpoints calendar for April. Please send me this by end of the day today. If you misplaced the calendar, please send me at least 5-10 dates that you communicated with your school staff! Thanks”

“Me or Anna literally talked to school staff in some capacity every day.”

“You still need to provide what I am asking in the email above. ”

“I'm confused, you want me to email you 5 calendar dates?”

“I want you to email me the touch point calendar that you were given last site director meeting. Or 5 confirmed dates that you did speak with them.”

“Someone decided to remove that calendar from the sign in clipboard, so I thought I was confirming in my response that we speak with school staff every day. If you need each day written out, I suppose I can do that, but my confusion remains. It's there a distinction between "confirmed" and what I responded with I'm missing?”

“Do you have any documented instances (email, text/call) that you are able to provide? I just want to make sure that dates aren't just being thrown out there that we may or may not have spoken with them. Does that make sense?”

“Beyond me telling you that we speak to them, what was written on the calendar that's disappeared is the only, formerly, documented evidence beyond a handful of texts between me and the principle which don't know if they add up to 5 (I'm driving) . It was my understanding that there wasn't a requirement to have physical evidence or time stamped incidents for each communication. Has the standard changed? There's dates on the attached pictures of texts with the principal. I don't know how else to confirm my relationship to the janitors, food bank and special needs teachers, or Anna's to the front desk people.”

“It has not changed, however, due to the loss of the paper you are supposed to turn in monthly on your end, I am asking for more clarification & documentation than just the basic 'we talk everyday to school personnel'.”

“Right, but I'm not lying? I don't know what would constitute "more clarity" than being expected to document in a picture or recording way. They set an expectation that's rooted in faithful accounting of communication. The faith is either there or not, no? If they think I'm lying about talking to school staff, why wouldn't they think I'm lying about filling out a calendar? It's no more evidence we're doing what we say than saying so.”

“I am no longer going to continue this conversation as I have been clear with what is expected. I have attached the calendar to this email so that you can fill it out like the original expectation & turn it in. ”

“That's fine, but know I don't appreciate any more than you the expectation to engage in conversations that don't make sense or go anywhere. I think we both know that whomever asked for the calendar is playing at leadership and pretending to care or trust us to conduct our roles. You can choose to acknowledge that and speak with me in real and human ways, doing practical things like extrapolating dates from the reality of mine and my staff's relationship to the school, or we can be annoyed corporate bots going through motions and getting aggravated with each other. I'd prefer to not have to play along anymore than is necessary, and I'm inviting you to a better dynamic we might maintain if we stop pretending things that don't make sense do. ”

Does this need further exploration? Of course not. Yet this kind of exchange feels infinitely more exhausting after you’re decompressing from conducting an IOP group or when you’re resigned to doing the bare minimum, but functionally antagonized to dress it up.

I try, desperately, to not bring work home with me. I have to get notes done before I go to bed tonight. I’m further behind than I’ve ever been. And, we’re talking, 30 minutes if I don’t use a mouse and get up 10 times to pee or chase a bug. I’m bringing work home because I’m unable to square what I’m being told about how I can use my time at work. I do concurrent notes, unless I can’t access the system, which I’m told I can access, but when “I’ll look at it” doesn’t turn into either seeing the problem or showing me what I’m missing. I get to carry that task out the door.

My muscles are tight. I’m full of bad food. I’m looking around the room at all the chores that would eat up my weekend. I’m not entirely sure how I intend to sustain current work levels or time investment. I haven’t felt the full impact of the two paychecks yet. I spend the vast majority of my day talking in work talk, moving between work things, spending too much money on food, and thinking to myself how tired I am. I’m about to go into summer “camp” with 8-hour break-less days and then an hour or 2 of the second job, only get home around 8 or 9 every day for 2 months all summer?