I feel I'm in a weird “in-between” place, and I want it to transition. I'm wondering if anything “externally” I do matters. I'm hungry. I had a whole plan for the day that got subsumed by my almost arbitrary desire to fuck with video editing software and post uploads related to DCS.
I hate apathy. I don't hate it on its own terms. There are plenty of things I don't give a shit about. I hate it when it's hidden behind affirmation. I hate it when it's disguised as exhaustion. I hate it when it accounts for such a small hurdle to be pushed over with a little effort, but ends up impeding life-saving equipment when you've let your legs give out.
In an effort to not succumb to apathy, I'm still meagerly trying to draw attention to the failings of leadership and lack of accountability. I want the information to stand on its own merits. I don't want to have to create “fun” videos with screen wipes and catchy music. I'm not confident we're conditioned to hear anything less than that level of production value. I'm not confident the world is psychologically oriented to feign outrage or a desire to engage in another fire.
So, as always, it has to resolve to me. I have to do it to say that I did. I have to be able to look back at my history and mental state and say confidently I moved in service to actually addressing the problem by the only means I knew how. I need that example to exist more than I need DCS to get fixed. I can act, I can't force anyone else to. I can speak to my motivations, I can't remain ever-refuting your concept of “care.” I can sleep knowing I'll have a video or blog or flier testifying to my ability to recognize, name, and attempt to fix.
I don't see a lot of that in my life. There's a night and day difference to proactive engagement and “getting by.” I've known an overwhelming amount of people capable of paying the bills. Is that respectable enough? “Enough” being the key word. Anymore, I can't seem to persuade myself so. It's not enough for me. When I feel stuck like that, I leave the job, experiment, and search for a means of organizing my time differently. I'm not as afraid, complacent, or ambivalent as the next person.
When I say I want things to make sense, I mean with regard to myself. “The world” may operate around a certain set of parameters, but I don't always have to. I can be the one and only who does what you think is futile. I can handle the pitying eyes and forlorn sentiments. I can snap back or warmly engage whatever brand of doubter. I want the situation with DCS to be an example for how to engage with the world and families, but I don't think I have the power to be the engine it needs. I can voice the concern in an ongoing way as it strikes me. I can flier. I can passive-aggressively shame the people who talk all the same talk and know they're full of shit in accounting for it better.
It's cool if it's futile. Everything is. When I get done failing to draw attention, I'll struggle to straighten wood and tear-down a refrigerator. It doesn't matter, it just feels like it does to me.
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