[xx-23] Who's Bad

I'm flabbergasted I feel provoked to write this, but here we are. I'm just going to post the whole conversation at the end as it highlights many things at once.

To be brief, if you know nothing about me you should know that “manipulation” is one of my most beaten-to-death topics, and I developed a whole mode of being to ensure I could create relationships that didn't only and always play to what I could get out of them. As a result, I read a ton, became hyper aware of how I constructed my social dynamics, and regularly hit the page to evaluate if I've somehow lost the thread.

What I find is a continued stream of people who not only allow themselves to be perpetually manipulated, but insist it is everywhere that it is not, most notably from me. I take umbridge to this, not least of which because of how often I would get warnings from different family members about how “manipulative” their child was. I could only stare and try not to look confused and condescending. You allow yourself to be manipulated. The second you claim someone is manipulating, you're explicitly denoting that you don't know what manipulation looks like, are powerless to stop it, and built yourself a typical defensive narrative saying the exact opposite of the truth of your situation.

I worried pretty consistently about my capacity and willingness to manipulate people. I'm cute. I'm smart. I know immediately what your soft spots are, how to steer conversations, and what I could do or say to give or drain your confidence. I know this because it's not hidden and we're all animals and our faces, tone, posture, and word choices say things about us. This isn't magic or a special skill. When you feel yourself at the mercy of someone “manipulating” you, you're doing a really bad job of translating what everything about yourself is saying to yourself.

The person below is insecure. They're extremely outgoing, personable, and do a good job at a stressful job. They have a rough Southern affect that toughens up when their feelings get pinched by trying to silence the conversation. The person below is very afraid, and presumably has been swamped by people who have taken advantage of their insecurities.

The conversation depicts a crossroads that I'll say emotionally mature and immature people come to. Difficult topics, like how much responsibility you should take or what if any actions might contribute to solving a big and scary problem, create a stress response. An emotionally mature person recognizes this and goes to work analyzing the feeling. An emotionally immature person attacks the thing that scared them.

For me, I don't need children as “friends” or acquaintances. In a racing heartbeat you become the boogeyman. I have a very large and complicated social, psychological, and emotional problem I would like to address. Wouldn't you know it, that's a perfect analogue for a lot of the families lives we get thrust into as caseworkers. Do you believe anyone is capable of doing a good job when they're teetering at the mercy of their own baggage? They can go through the motions. They can recite the catch-phrases. But they aren't helping. They don't have the tools to build the mechanism to grow into a better place.

I can handle emotional outbursts. I can handle shitty things said in a moment. I have exactly zero patience for taking zero responsibility. Holding no respect for what someone said is it's own hurdle, but as someone who fundamentally or professionally treats everything as maybe true enough kinda, I can at least understand that.

See if your thoughts match mine in the (parenthesis) analysis.

Scared Person: Dude I read your whole post, and I get it, but no way in hell am I gonna speak out against them like that. I can't afford to risk losing my job. (reasonable enough fear)

Me: You don't need to put your name on it (troubleshooting)

Scared Person: But you legit just made a post, calling us all out by name, asking us to do that.

Me: I forget you guys have like other people at work you're friends with

Scared Person: So no, I'm not gonna do that and risk being looked into and potentially losing my job because of it.

Me: see, this facebook stuff, big big reasons I don't add people lol

I deleted it

Scared Person: You should've sent it in a group message instead of posting it like that

Me: Absent mindedly made the post to function as a group chat

I fucking hate social media

Scared Person: Trust I get it! I really do!! But I literally cannot afford to lose my job. (3rd time's the charm)

I'm sorry I can't help.

Me: No one usually can, the families get to pay the price of things shuttered under the veil of fears

you can, like, lol I don't need to out you for your stories (troubleshooting more impatiently)

Scared Person: I just do the best that I can for my families. (Default to cliche)

I try my hardest to make a difference for them, but I can't save them all. (Default to cliche)

Me: The best thing that place needs is a flush on the clogged toilet of shitty leadership lol

Scared Person: You're not wrong. (Seemingly acknowledges the problem)

Me: I won't be able to help alone. (fact)

Me pissed off is just me looking like I can't let go of some petty grievance (no?)

but the things that are wrong are large and systemic (fact, digressing)

and that takes organized collective action and perspectives (fact)

Scared Person: I am sorry, but it's a risk that I can't take. I'm sorry for letting you down. (presumes my feelings)

Me: It's not about me dudette (fact. And extremely important detail)

Not gonna twist your arm lol (pulling back, cliché joke)

Scared Person: Nick, please stop trying to guilt trip me into risking my own wellbeing (What? Derailing happens now) 

I cannot afford to risk my job. (I meant 5th time's the charm.)

Me: Here's the thing, this is where it gets difficult. I know you can't. I'm not trying to guilt trip you. I'm saying pretty plainly that a story divorced from who tells it is still powerful and compelling. You disagree. That's cool. (My attempt to acknowledge, affirm, assess, condense, and accept.)

Scared Person: And you're not hearing me when I say that I'm not going to risk them looking into me for other shit. (Starts to spiral into other compounded fears. “Not listening” indicator that all trust has been lost.)

You don't think they would realize what case I was talking about if I said anything? (Condescending flail)

You don't think they would put two and two together and go through all of my work and try to rip me apart? (Condescending flail)

They wouldn't even have to fire me for giving you a story, I'm sure they would find some other reason to do it. (Denoting another layer of just how big the problem is)

Me: The fact that this job makes you this scared, practical concerns or otherwise, is pretty horrifying alone. Denoting their shit behavior is what I'm looking for. If you've got other skeletons that would get rattled, I def get it. (Acknowledging, clarifying with specific goal, cunty speculating knowing there's nothing to be gained)

Scared Person: I would be scared to lose any job. (I've lost count)

I'm not privileged enough to have anyone else supporting me and paying my bills for me if I'm out of work. (I still can't tell if this is insinuating I do)

I'm not scared to lose this job because of this job, I'd be scared to lose any job. (Same reassertion, extra salt)

Me: No one we know or work with is lol

Scared Person: You say you're not trying to twist my arm and that you're not trying to guilt trip me, but you absolutely are. You are absolutely trying to manipulate me right now and I don't appreciate it. (Now we get into the pound down onto the worn pillow of open wounds. Left is right. Up is down. Absolutism, fold arms, pretend the monster is vanquished.)

Me: I'll find another way to contend with the in-built fear associated. I trust you don't want to be a part of it. You have nothing to fear from me even if you found the ask annoying.

It's unfortunate you feel that way. It was not my intention (It doesn't matter what I say at this point)

Scared Person: You're twisting my words. I didn't say I found the ask annoying, what I find annoying is you trying to manipulate me. (If the irony here is lost on you, you may be suffering from the same issue. Nothing can supplement or replace their assertion of the truth. Even if I were to buy in, people often jump into further spurious details while doubting your sincerity.)

Me: I'm gonna peace out. (I didn't realize it would be a lie)

Scared Person: It may not have been your intention, but it's how I have perceived your behavior. (And Lord knows, when you're the one who's afraid, your perception trumps everything)

Scared Person: Again, this is unfortunate.

Scared Person: I do wish you luck with your efforts though.

Just please leave me out of it. (Adults understand they are in it, complicit, and the guilt is only resolved through taking more responsibility. Children want to be left alone to play in their own worlds)

Me: They always do

Fuck it, I gotta say it. I really really dislike being accused of trying to manipulate you. I think your fear response flipped its shit and took where I was coming from well beyond what was required. I feel uncomfortable pretending I'm cool with that, and if it's the kind of thing you believe about me so quickly, I don't know that I can jive with cats like that. It's unfair, emotionally immature, and does overtime in distracting from the proactive approach or topic of how to fix the problem I'm aiming at. I can accept you don't wish to be a part of it, I can't accept all that flood that came with it. My intentions matter and I'm not going to be told I doing something significantly shittier than I was which I pretty actively police because I know how to manipulate perfectly well, and the first rule is the other person doesn't feel manipulated.

It's really the only rule

Scared Person: If that's what you need to tell yourself to feel better about that. You act like I don't know when I'm being manipulated. I've been manipulated my whole life. I tried to ask nicely and you kept pushing it. You kept trying to guilt trip me and that's a form of manipulation. (If you can recognize the dialogue that's be prescribed for you, face the fear instilled in you, and respect the truth when it's presented to you, then you might hint at knowing when you're being manipulated. Demonstrating you haven't even shuffled the demons in your past and doubling down in your fear and insecurity betrays your indignation)

Manipulation 101 dude (From someone super in control)

Me: You experience elevated levels of guilt, presumably because you've been manipulated your whole life (If you look close, you'll see these are their words. Mirroring evokes the blame response.)

It's clearly a soft spot

Scared Person: Still trying to manipulate

Me: so everything looks like a tiger (Mixing metaphors, but you get it)

or explain (tit-for-tatting)

what would explanation of that behavior look like? (Questions will never be answered. They can only exist in an environment open for examination. This is not one of those.)

Or is always and only what you say?

Scared Person: Ok you're rambling at this point and making no sense. (Attack the person, avoid the question)

Me: I'm curious, what would explaining your behavior look like in a form you wouldn't consider manipulation?

Scared Person: No Nick. You're trying to turn it around on me and I'm not playing that game. (Read: Won't become the target of my own disingenuous and dishonest scrutiny)

I asked a question. How do I learn how you perceive things without doing so?

Simply telling you my view registers as manipulation.

Scared Person: What the hell are you even asking? (Several things at this point, but don't expect answers)

Me: Asking you does too

Scared Person: You're literally making no sense. (This is the same panic response when you confront an addict with the consequences of their behavior or abuser or overbearing mother. Nothing makes sense because they don't register the impact of their subverted personal agency.)

Me: What could I say about how you responded to me that wouldn't register to you as manipulation?

This conversation is over Nick. I'm done. Good night.

Me: Exactly

Literally nothing.

Scared Person: You could say ok I get it, have a good night, and leave it at that. Period. (I do get it, but to a degree they don't, and it's not left. It's going to get dragged into the rest of this person's decisions and interactions with families unto the ages of ages, amen.)

Good night.

Me: I think I've learned a great deal tonight. I'm gonna save you the frustration of dealing with me further. (I unfriended. My friends no better than to “let me manipulate them.” If they don't, we aren't friends, by definition. And I certainly can't trust them.)