My mind has been very busy lately, and I think this is the 5th time I'm trying to write and get sorted out this past two weeks. I would consider it a privilege to conceive of the layers I'm thinking about as simple “drama” to be handled with a meme or spa day. Instead, I'm idling with much to do, which indicates I haven't settled on a direction that is going to give me peace.
The first-world “problems” are: 1. Mild labor dispute that is in limbo with whether or not I wish to quit immediately, or stick it out for a few weeks/months and build a little nest egg. 2. Being on the look-out for appliances to either repair, break down into parts, or scrap with the guidance of queued Youtube videos. 3. Hit various neighbors with preliminary fliers discussing DCS, rights, and actions I would like to take to hold my former office accountable. 4. Do yard work and shed assembly. 5. Promote myself as “an extra hand” and begin building a network for odd-jobs.
My ideal situation would be to not think about my new job at all, not have it at all, and focus on more self-serving and exploratory things. I don't have the fliers for either the business promotion or the information passing. I have a dryer lined up to be picked up at 5. I haven't found the head space for yard work for some reason. That same sensibility is undermining my enthusiasm for any potential convoluted or time-intensive tasks I may discover as I advertise.
I'm also stressing out about “getting bigger.” I've set a lot of really low bars in my obnoxious behavior, shit I've written about, or very confusing or damning sentiments I've shared that reduce in the minds of those who provide feedback as “no” or “negative” or “not trying to fuck with” or “he doesn't care or can't be trusted.” The first and easiest form of attack when someone starts to get big (or a big head) is to go after their character. I have really cool, important, and rare things about me that I do not see enough of in other people that makes me want to stand tall and demonstrate how we should all be. I also regularly question to what degree I'm a psychopath and feel really good intense things about revenge, power, and influence.
The sympathetic justifiers in you will regard this check and reticence as indicative of a better-natured animal striving to face or overcome his demons. The fellow psychopaths will know part of the magic of being a perfect performer is the ability to convince yourself.
As such, the check I've built into this behavior is to make things about something independent of me. If people who I recognize as having better instincts, proclivities, and habits than me are on board, perhaps I've transcended the innate selfishness into something good or better. If people can dictate their individual reasons for agreeing, disagreeing, or the contributions they feel comfortable making, the narrative shifts from any personal grievance or ego, and becomes about a holistic expression of a commonly regarded problem/opportunity to address in varying systematic ways. I didn’t just manipulate you.
I'm wary of adding people on facebook, as superficially as they may treat the platform with their flood of second-hand thoughts and pictures. I want to protect a certain image of myself as a, blunt, consummate professional who can keep it about the task, mission, or responsibility without all of the extra baggage that comes with being human. Is this a wise thing to do? I suspect not so much given how compelling overlaid narratives compel people to stop thinking and start adopting cliches for their work or behavior. (We care about the children! I love my job! I’m helping save lives!)
I wish to respect where I'm coming from without believing it will always be best suited to define or solve a problem. Maybe all of the things I threatened to do to be a consequence aren't my job. They feel like my job, and I get a certain degree of provocation or encouragement. Can the underlying needs be addressed? Can the principles shine through? In a culture arrested by the psychology of entertainment, is there even an opportunity for people to recognize what should happen and why? It'd be fun to watch The Nick Show for a while, right? I bet you could really believe in the message, but less so if I don't package what may be asked of you in something small, entertaining, and convenient. None of that would excuse my responsibility, but it would be worth respecting in how I shape the messaging.
I perhaps retain a mythical conception of significantly better-than-they-actually-are people I wish could be the face it's hard to tarnish. The irony being the traits I exalt make them considerably less likely to be the kind of persistent dick that provokes the fight. Alone, I can never make an accurate enough assessment of where I fit in on some grand scale of “acceptable human.” The larger the audience, the greater the impulse to perform. It's why I'm desperate for the opportunity to show off the work, highlight the low-key star power of others, and build independent expressions of power and control. The environment otherwise wishes to isolate, subjugate, and contain.
The easiest analogues of my concern are, as I went to type them, seemingly regarded as petty or indicative of a further-removed problem that's not really mine. Do you care if MLK fucked every girl he could? Are you bent out of shape about Michael Jackson being a sexual predator or John Lennon abusing Yoko? I don't consider sex bad or incompatible of marching for human rights. I watched thousands of people dance in unison to Thriller in downtown Lexington last year. Yoko's pretty annoying.
Of course there's no real justifying or excusing bad behavior, and being open sexually isn't the problem as much as any degree of lying or abuse of power that might've accompanied it. No one deserves to get beaten up, especially in a relationship, and I think butt-fucking kids is the last thing on anyone's mind as they march behind zombie Michael Jackson. But this speaks to the psychological scales we employ. How big of an artist do you have to be for all of those things to be just messy details? How great of an orator, in a sense, gets to absolve themselves of their sins? Consider Alex Jones or Trump and his enablers.
I don't want to be let off the hook, but I don't want to get distracted with the fallout we've come to know from “cancel culture.” I worry that when the character attacks come, I won't have built up enough meaningful work to do in lieu of constantly playing PR games or reading comment sections. You watch people routinely get torn down for perfectly innocuous or even fair points, regardless of their impact in areas of considerably more consequence. It simply doesn't register as worth it to go out on a limb, face “scrutiny” better understood as exploitation and drama porn, or risk the mild stability or calm of your life.
As much as I want “my job” or responsibilities to be more clearly defined, I don't think that's ever going to happen. As much as I want to be told what to do, forgiven, or made to feel comfortable about some path over another, I'm who it comes down to. It's my job to be as honest I can be to give us all the best tools for navigating our social and emotional worlds. That's step one in all of my incessant writing. Step two is to act. I can't know what will be of most consequence and don't pretend to be a utilitarian. I don't know if I'll ever be justified or understood. I do know the pains or regrets of not being accountable to an active working ethic that knows how to speak to things which are fucked up. How DCS treats people is fucked up. My yard's incomplete. I need to know more about appliances. Go.
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