[xxx-12] I'm The Best - Inspiration

This is gonna be weird. I want it to do a couple things at once, and I’m hoping in my attempt to do so I don’t just muddy everything up too badly. Let me explain each thing.

First, I want it to be a procedural breakdown. My character has been attacked, again, so I want to pick the words apart here as opposed to continuing a comment thread I know the person wants dead.

Second, I want to explain what I think is going on in the person's head as they say a particular line to me. This will be difficult not because it's impossible to know what someone else is truly thinking, but because we have multiple motivations for how and why we say things, and I want to account for the most relevant ones. [He'll never understand me!] I'll use brackets for their voice.

The lead in explanation of this saga has to do with what started as a modest back and forth under an article about that starving polar bear. I expressed how I felt, my first sin, and then in expounding on the reasons for that feeling provoked the trigger “you're negative” charge I hear so often to describe my being. The conversation is posted in the comments.

Never alone, I'm also whiny, seeking attention, trying to stomp on your desires, go on “tirades” with too much “bullshit,” and simply don't give a damn. You may be having flashbacks to my entry Character Assassination . You may also recall previous exercises like my Deconstructive or Petty “Exercise.”

First, go ahead and just read the end of the exchange out of context. The brunt of this has little to do with the specific, if you can call it that, points being addressed.

1. By "bullshit" I mean extra, unnecessary stuff you add that distract from your point, not necessarily untrue. I apologize for unclear wording.
2. I still stand by "tirade" because you like to browbeat people in any discussion until there is no point in continuing.
3. It's not that you make people feel like you called them stupid. It's that you get upset when people don't comment properly or haven't been paying attention to what you're posting about. Saying "nobody cared before it was cool" is ridiculous.
4. Yes you're more likely to have your eyes opened if you're already available for it, but you never know what will crack that door open for someone else's mind.
5. You probably won't see me in your field, because I'll be busy enough in my own.
6. Unless there is public outcry, nothing will get done. What are the other options? Violence and coup. I get it's not he quickest form of enacting change, but it's better than sitting around bitching and moaning without making an effort to communicate wants and needs. I'd agree that every level is broken, but that isn't going to just fix itself.
7. We don't chase ourselves away. You chase us away. You consistently push buttons and claim it's for or own good. But it really just feels like some way for you to play puppet master in a world of your making where you know more than everyone else about everything and could never possibly be wrong. Much of what you say comes off as pessimistic and fatalistic, when maybe I just don't see that is comes from a place of despair created from unfulfilled hopes. I do apologize if I hurt you with that. It's frustrating to see and hear a lot of negativity coming from one person.
8. Your first comment to my post came off as super whiny. It seemed like you were upset that people weren't on the same page as you from the beginning. You can't expect that. That's also what made it seem like you don't actually care about the issues, but care more about people paying attention to you and your efforts.
9. Maybe you were attempting humor with the hominid thing, but I'm gonna go with you're wrong. Read up about human evolution and the use of tools.

“By 'bullshit' I mean extra, unnecessary stuff you add that distract form your point, not necessarily untrue. I apologize for unclear wording.”

Things like this I find impressively annoying. I was accused of writing bullshit. I didn't ask for her to define “bullshit” as a concept. It's a complete and utter blindspot in the mind of the person emptily criticizing me when they don't even realize they can't quote or acknowledge what I say in the first place. Which part is bullshit? The bullshit parts, of course! I don't think I was adding bullshit, but then, it's not about what I thought or actually said. It never is. [Oh he knows what's bullshit...EVERYONE KNOWS.] I don't. You refuse to show me.

“I still stand by "tirade" because you like to browbeat people in any discussion until there is no point in continuing.”

The exact same thing. I asked what part constituted a “tirade.” Why bother quoting or pointing something out? It's much easier, and serves the purpose, to re-assert. [I believe in what I said. No, you didn't hear me, I REALLY BELIEVE IN WHAT I SAID. So there.]

“It's not that you make people feel like you called them stupid. It's that you get upset when people don't comment properly or haven't been paying attention to what you're posting about. Saying "nobody cared before it was cool" is ridiculous.”

People are experts at latching on to my “throwaway” comments that are often explicit cliches. If I wrote ten lines about the deteriorating environment and ended them with “and the horse you rode in on” I'd be told they don't own a horse. [You’ve been asking me to quote! So I did! Why can’t you ever be happy!?] The idea that people don't “comment properly” is interesting because it's correct, but not because she knows what a “proper” comment would look like. At this point, anything that refrained from personally attacking me would constitute proper. I was attempting to make a larger point that there are always canaries and Casandras and that's not what society pays attention to. Instead, I'm painted as desperately trying for attention and too “above-it-all” to consider anyone else's efforts. The irony, again so heavy, being that I never argued against sharing articles, like she does as well, and still continue to do so.

“Yes you're more likely to have your eyes opened if you're already available for it, but you never know what will crack that door open for someone else's mind.”

I agree. See, easy enough. Say reasonable things and we move right along.

“You probably won't see me in your field, because I'll be busy enough in my own.”

Here, I tried to make a slight diffusion of tension to suggest that, hey, I still like you, we should hang out when our dreams pick up and can start chugging along nicely. Instead, pissing match. Why have anything to do with me or sharing ideas or being mutually inspired by each other? Well, she doesn't have a field. Until she spoke up defensively, I wouldn't have thought she doesn't see herself getting one either. [What do you know? At least I have friends who wold LOVE to have me spend time on their fields.]

“Unless there is public outcry, nothing will get done. What are the other options? Violence and coup. I get it's not he quickest form of enacting change, but it's better than sitting around bitching and moaning without making an effort to communicate wants and needs. I'd agree that every level is broken, but that isn't going to just fix itself.”

This is the most entangled bit. Public outcry can have consequences. Notably, at the local level or where the power leverage is more obvious. With or without public outcry, there are always people with considerably more power who could get things done, likely of greater consequence, but instead of identifying or discussing them, let's make it an either/or in order to dismiss where she's pretending I'm coming from. Irony screaming again, I'm not just bitching and moaning, as anyone who looks at my life and what I'm working towards must concede, but again, it's always easier to make up things about me or what I represent than try to contend with how you don't live up to my example. I didn't argue things would just fix themselves, and if you agree with me, what's got you sounding so fatalistic and angry?

“We don't chase ourselves away. You chase us away. You consistently push buttons and claim it's for or own good. But it really just feels like some way for you to play puppet master in a world of your making where you know more than everyone else about everything and could never possibly be wrong. Much of what you say comes off as pessimistic and fatalistic, when maybe I just don't see that is comes from a place of despair created from unfulfilled hopes. I do apologize if I hurt you with that. It's frustrating to see and hear a lot of negativity coming from one person.”

What does a person do when without pause or fail, in response to anything they say, hell, in response to literal silence, they're referred to as “negative” or “pessimistic” or some other damning and draining sentiment. You do that to kids and they grow up fucked up for life. If every time you talked to me, I prefaced anything I said in response to you, “Oh, that was bitchy” or “Huh, decided to spinkle on your cunty talk again?” Would I not be begging you to dismiss me? These people who are so concerned with how I make them feel love to pretend I'm incapable of feelings. If the fleeting ones I do have are only and forever having to defend myself and feel shitty about your dishonesty, I'm happy to flip the switch and antagonize or piss you off. You fed me to your internal wolves first. Also, for the record, I’ve literally never even said the phrase “for your own good” knowingly or without irony, let alone would adopt a sternly Mr. Roger’s take about engaging in conversation with people my own age. (A google search of my writing tag and that phrase quoted confirms it hasn’t shown up in a single blog.)

I can say, in literally every blog, prefacing every single sentence, “You know, I could be wrong” and it WILL NOT MATTER. To people who feel perpetually wrong, or who refuse to do the critical thinking work that exposes how they're wrong, they only know how to express the idea, “Well, you just think you're perfect don't you!?” That's how you feel. It's wrong. I'd rather talk about it. You'll see as well, that it's never even on the table that what I say is “accurate” or “honest” or “useful” no no. The only other option is that I'm full of despair from all of my unfulfilled hopes. Seriously people, this is what I'm told. My opinion isn't needed nor will ever be consulted. Yes, I have so far unfulfilled dreams. No, they are not why I think pussy hats and shared articles mean nothing to the agenda capable of subverting democracy. Those are the overwhelming negative forces, not me.

“Your first comment to my post came off as super whiny. It seemed like you were upset that people weren't on the same page as you from the beginning. You can't expect that. That's also what made it seem like you don't actually care about the issues, but care more about people paying attention to you and your efforts.”

My first comment on her post she said she understood and could see where I was coming from. Again though, judge the comment, don't say, “Hey, sucks you feel that way, hope it gets better.” Judge instead, use it to set up the next line of judgments. That's what friends do for each other. I didn't mean to whine. I just said I practically long to be a casualty just like the polar bears. I do in fact feel that way. I behave differently, but when I express how I feel, it has more power. It means more than I recognize or contended. And I need to suffer the reckoning of your reaction.

Notice as well the use of “seem.” Holy hell do I “seem” sooooooo many ways to sooooo many people. It's a nice cheat for actually respecting what I am or what I'm doing. “Well, you seem like a dick.” This is useful information if I'm trying to emotionally manipulate you, you know, because depending on the scenario it might be useful for me to seem dickish, or whiny, or whatever, but when you're just trying to express how you feel or discuss something with an alleged friend, it's best not to seem. It's just a shorthand way to lazily assume.

“Maybe you were attempting humor with the hominid thing, but I'm gonna go with you're wrong. Read up about human evolution and the use of tools.”

What would a “this is me preparing to cut you out of my life” speech be without one last condescending jab that robs me of my attempt to be funny, make a point about people's reactions to what's new or different and challenging, and then one last stab into the topic I've arguably read or watched more about than any other singular topic, human evolution. I couldn't write a better script for pathology than examples like this. It's like they're following a road map and truly makes me question whether we live in a fixed and fated universe. It reminds me when the black kid screamed at me, “What the fuck did that get ANY of us!” with regard to the efforts made by Martin Luther King Jr. in the Civil Rights movement.

This is the most important thing when you're dealing with lesser-order animals you might want to consider friends. They are death. If you treat them as anything less than death, you will grow blind to what's being killed within you. They are the death of reason. They are the death of honesty. They are the death of truth. Their struggle is not “the struggle.” Their words you should liken to the noises of a distressed farm animal. They will kill your esteem. They will kill your desire. They will make you forget that the best exists and ensure you forget what it looks like. No invitation to hang out, no dollar amount, and no magically tightening around your cock pussy is worth giving yourself over to them. They are not your friends. They are not your family. You've been duly warned.