I fully expect this to be a disjointed bitch-fest, so if you’re dumb enough to read it, take things in turn.
My job is even more bullshit than I suspected. They attempt to get kitchen staff, we’re talking undocumented immigrants and teenagers, to sign away rights and secrecy pact contracts. If you work every single hour they’re open, you’ll average $9 an hour, calculating nothing for gas, insurance, or car troubles. When I get done working I get to come “home” to people, and now the dog, occupying the only ten square feet I ever spend my time, mostly sleeping, on the couch. This is 2 nights in a row now, the first with everyone collected together to watch Black Mirror, the thing I was excited to come home and start watching, sending me back to my car to freeze for another 3 hours, after an 11 hour shift, until they were done. No call, no heads up, no invitation.
I had my 2 day exploration into trying to embody the opposite of my “presumably correct” way of being. What if I actually behaved like what people mislabel me as? Turns out, I’m shit at it. I don’t have enough energy to pretend I want to be providing “content” anymore than the mood strikes me. I’m not going to prepare a speech for the proper viral video. I never feel more suicidal than when I see your memes pretending to be insightful and creative. It’s just wrong. It’s just obnoxious. It’s just insecure and loud and boring as fuck. I can’t do it even when I barely try. I even wanted to disconnect from facebook, and then it occurred to me I can’t get the piddling amount of important information I need from my job if I don’t have my account.
I don’t know how to win anything. I don’t know how to fight against the sheer wall of inconsiderate bullshit that is my living situation. I don’t know how to ally myself with the idiots that will fuck me down the line. I got to thinking about how I ended up here again, and it brought up all the bullshit about not being told I wasn’t going to have roommates by the leasing agency wondering about paperwork. All the lying meth heads that pushed back my ability to get into my house. The lies and “handling” from my shitty job who don’t have any more respect for “labor” than the next asshole. I literally have nothing I can win. I don’t belong anywhere. I can read too much or watch too much or take a bunch of random online courses and spend to “learn” too much, then eat out too much before I sleep too much. That’s of course if I’m not at work way too goddamn much. My entire fucking life is an empty joke. I thought this would be longer, but it’s more than enough.
