[564] Easy As Pi

As my conception of “progress” has been obliterated, I now turn my eyes to the word “success.” If progress falls apart because its reality is already realized yet not acknowledged, then success fails in how it highlights and celebrates all the parts we’re not willing to pay attention to. Adversity ill-defined is often necessary or equal parts what made up the shimmering successful whole. You only need to think about how we delight in stories where the winner finds out things aren’t always as good as they’re chalked up to be.

I try to conceive of a successful conversation. As of late, I primarily disavow the alleged utility or purpose we may claim in engaging with them. For me personally, I can draw a lot of personal insight or maybe develop a new tact for engaging with different kinds of people. This blog starts out picking apart a singular word after referencing another singular word I’ve devoted a few blogs to picking apart previously. The details matter, to me. Taking all the time it takes to diffuse the inflammatory connotations, quell the beating heart, or disperse a headache will almost always be the one-sided therapy session.

This is how I can confidently claim that I never have won nor will “win” a conversation. I win by writing blogs instead of putting holes in walls or drinking too heavily. Another way to state that is by coping with stress in ways that don’t result in physical damage. Who knows the toll it’s taking on my brain, but at least the outside world can still look pretty enough.

The reason I don’t win is because I zero in on topics people do not deal with and I do not concede points that aren’t explained. You can’t just call me a liar, you have to quote me. You can’t just sidestep answering something and claim nothing you offer is good enough. An answer would have been good enough. You can’t constantly strum the refrain about something you think is wrong with me if you’ve no ability to maintain the topic at hand. This is all crap I’ve stated many times before, if we need even more evidence that there’s never been some measure of “success” I’ve achieved in trying to talk about this.

Take the rationale out into the world though. You can have “successful” lobbyists who dismantle protections for the greater population. The groups with the most money are celebrated. Say you get the high paying job while everyone beneath you gets fired. Mind you, this isn’t me pivoting and arguing for equality. We simply measure success as superficially as anything else, or not at all. Is it success when you convince people to adopt your dogma? Am I a “successful friend” or perhaps “mate” in allowing my relationships to flourish on harmful lies?

Yes. For most people, the answer is absolutely yes. They’ll say everyone has their thing, it’s no more or less harmful than someone else’s, for the sake of sanity and togetherness, yes. That’s good enough for you, it isn’t for me. I don’t suffer “loneliness” by needing someone in my life to fawn over or in needing them to fall madly in love with me. I suffer a loneliness of spirit. That spirit lives and dies by its ability to recognize and work and perhaps semi-obsess over discrepancies and details. It’s a scientific ethos. It’s never going to be 100% and the more often you insist that’s the position I hold, it’s only your fault for thinking we’re getting nowhere.

Maybe you’re familiar with Less Wrong. If not, and you’re patient, you’ll find the kind of people who do like I do and maybe you’ll stop feeling so defensive when someone approaches how you speak like a case study. We’re collectively, blissfully, angrily, unaware of how little we’re saying. I try to warn you, if what I’m saying cuts you and what you’re saying is “never good enough,” try acknowledging there’s a knife.