I’ve been thinking a lot about regret. It didn’t sink in for me that that’s what I’ve been stuck on until I read a series of tweets from people claiming to vote for Hitler 2 and then saying how embarrassed or ashamed they are now with his executive orders. I don’t really know what to make of them. I haven’t known how to approach the snowball barreling towards a cliff as I conceive of the country. I’m hoping to discover something by approaching it via things I may regret.
In truth, I rarely regret things. It’s hard to say whether that’s more a strength or weakness. I don’t regret my harsh words. I don’t regret most of the money I’ve spent. The times I do regret it had less to do with the money and more to do with the potential fallout. I suppose as well I should distinguish regret from being sorry. It’s really very hard for me to even form many thoughts regarding regret because I’m rarely caught off guard as to what I’m doing, why I’ve done it, or what I hoped to achieve by doing so.
Maybe the last line there is the operative condition. That insidious “hope” rearing its ugly head again. Your expectations failing again to match the reality as you pretended to have a solid grasp on reality. You voted for Hitler 2 thinking you’d “shake up the system” or some such broad catch-phrase. You lied to your spouse to “keep them happy.” You thought if you kept pursuing the degree or title, the debt would start to feel worth it. Across topics it feels like there’s room for obscurity. Maybe the debt for one profession is more justified than another. Maybe withholding information from a crazy spouse prevents abducted children or physical harm. I’m not going to pretend there’s a benefit to voting for Hitler 2.
One issue seems to be that the people who are most convinced have the least reason to be so. How anything they say can be trusted is anyone’s guess. They don’t even know, so they bring their inability to the voting table and pick something that represents their not-quite-hidden nature. This speaks to why many people are literally impossible to talk to. They aren’t using words correctly. They’re conception of coherence is “I’m alive, therefore” period. Conceiving of themselves as a piece in a larger puzzle is off the table. Engaging their empathy systems for what are phantoms to them doesn’t work. They need to be forced.
The forceful exacting of one’s will leads thinking individuals to regret. They believe so much in their own capacity for change and personal responsibility that it blinds them to what level other people are at. It goes a degree further and provokes shame. How dare you conceive of people as sheep!? Allusions to their biblical mythology aside. I had someone jump down my throat for calling people dogs that need to be trained. No one wants to be responsible for leading someone down a path that doesn’t work out. Troops need to be trained to charge into certain death. Generals need to stomach it’s their job to get them killed.
People can be forced by less than ideal or thoughtful intentions. The bluster of the “strong man” forces your brain to engage the world in a specific way. Your fight or flight kicks in. Your in-group out-group flares up. It’d be one thing if Hitler 2 even understood those forces, but he’s controlled by massive insecurity and pathological forces that befall celebrities. None of this shit can be stopped because we don’t even appreciate how and why it’s in control. We’re not talking about curtailing psychological forces, we’re gearing up our own in marches, lawsuits, and donations. We don’t regret our approach to “fighting back” anymore than he does signing away our ability to inhabit the planet.
They say you regret the things you don’t try verse the things you do. Think of how wildly destructive that can be. How many shitty relationships you’re willing to give a chance. How many drugs you’re excited to experiment with. How much money you can spend in service to idealism. I’ve said as much about myself already, right? When the time comes to abandon this country, will I want my money tied up in land? The ideal is to live cheap and sustainably. The practical reality of thousands of dollars can’t be denied. What did I get from staying in a relationship I could have “negatively” called doomed from the start, but instead of stopping it, let it carry on for years? A chance to lose a friend and even more strained ideas about being open or honest with someone new.
We’re all endlessly susceptible to not believing what’s happening right in front of us. I could have steered my ex away, but I wanted to do better than my worst ideas about relationships, and then I get to rediscover why I got those worst ideas about relationships. You want “change” in government, and you could steer the ship towards more inclusive and thoughtful people, but settle for blowing things up, reigniting all your despotic claims about government. Aspiring to something “more” than what’s being offered suggests there isn’t enough already there. Whether it’s enough of what you need or want is up to interpretation, but that’s all there is.
Control can’t be exerted by those that don’t take it all in. It’s not about finding a balance between “liberal” and “conservative.” It’s not about “freedom” or making things “great.” You have to know that things aren’t great, but they are as well, and can be better. You have to know that for every one thing you actually know, there’s millions of things you don’t. You have to go into your world of reactionary dogs and train them, or pet them, or sometimes throw a shock collar on them. Does your dog find you condescending? Does your dog know a slap on the butt not to run away or jump on people is for its own good? We need more reflection that provokes regret before the disaster strikes. Dogs can feel regret.
I would regret not struggling to be recognized.The idea that there’s this “forgotten” class of people struggling in the drug-addled small towns while an entire sex and different races and religions have been under boot significantly longer. Recognized is different than heard. We heard you, poor idiots, but all I see is a group of poor idiots. You can “hear” whatever voice you want in my writing, but I’ve only wanted to be recognized for trying. Trying to find the words. Trying to surprise myself with some insight or analogy. Trying to show you what the work of coping looks like. Screaming in the street has never done it for me. Burning the world around me down in a selfish fit of rage doesn’t work either. Sitting in the middle of how or why I might regret something is the change I want to see in other people.
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