In my view, the vast majority of my interactions with people are forced into the superficial realm. Of course this is where we remain civil towards each other. This is a quasi-foundation of a healthy society. “How ya doin!?” “Living the dream! Another day in paradise!” It’s the place where the words aren’t supposed to matter but for their ability to reinforce ideas of us all being in this together.
The superficial world is most certainly a world unto itself. There are rules. Different cultures will vary, but the same kind of expectations are there. It seems often about suppressing our “base” selves so as not to disturb those around us. Is it fun to get woken up at 5 AM after being annoyed by roommates making it hard to sleep to have an angio inserted into your arm? Of course not, but when asked how excited you are, the “correct” response is “so.”
My argument is not against civility. Mine is to urge us to recognize the destructive nature of ignoring and downplaying what’s happening underneath. There’s only so much time to sift through people’s language and learn how they’d prefer to talk about something or approach a problem. At the same time, I think we often deny that in attempting to “respect” or “defer” to someone else’s “style” we end up complicit in our own demise.
The more you allow yourself to be aware of time, the less patience I feel you have for unnecessary games. To make it dramatic, I envision an asteroid barreling towards Earth, and the Council For Kicking Asteroid Ass comprised of 100 nations is being broadcast on TV. We’d all lose our shit if they spent the first 5 hours presenting introductory walk-ons like they do at the Olympics.
In life you only get so much time to get a handle of yourself and perhaps deeply know and appreciate other people. If you’re like me, you’re willing to play the high-stakes mental game of thinking any day could be your last. What then is the sense in offering even a second to the superficial world? Why pretend you don’t want to connect? Why pretend your feelings are invalid? Why not pursue the failure point of something earnestly and honestly instead of attempt to hide the place that makes life worth living behind catchphrases from a pull cord?
“There’s a time and place…”
I can feel the cultural resistance. To me, the problem still remains; no one ever tells me what that time or place is. I’ve had friends tell me I “insist” on talking about negative things when I was under the impression these were people I could “really” talk to about anything. I didn’t find those things to be negative, but I didn’t play by some forgotten or non-established rules and had it thrown in my face.
Or maybe it’s drunk at a party! Oh, wait, there isn’t really a time or place anymore where people feel like celebrating anything, let alone each other or the prospect of being alive. Maybe it’s online! Riiiight, the ignorant hellscape of trolling and sporadic hatred. Maybe in the classroom! I don’t know what school you went to, but my teachers were considerably more preoccupied by whatever homework was due than they were us getting in touch with our humanity or culture.
No, the only time and place seems to be when someone is so broken down they disavow all decorum and thrust themselves into your life. When they can’t keep the wall up anymore, it’s your time to receive them, or else. When they’re finally prepared to share something real you’ll get acknowledged for the place you try to occupy that persistently fights the charmed malaise of daily interaction.
I fucking hate it. In my view, it’s rarely to do with your capacity to handle strong emotions or ability to engage in “tough” conversations. It’s just about responsibility and friendliness. I don’t mean at the drop of a hat should you be prepared for hours of intensive soul searching despite your day or whatever else is going on in your life. I do mean that we pretend we’re always walking this highwire with regard to how we can engage with each other.
I think this experience is reinforced when we see what happens on TV and online. Very few people are out there showing us how to be thoughtful or how to connect. Very few people methodically break down controversial ideas and help us walk through each step. And even with the ones that exist, we barely feel like we have the time to join them for a stroll. This is where finding the responsibility to make time should come in. This is where we learn that “respecting boundaries” is all well and good until that boundary is a bottomless pit only fools dare to try and cross.
We just refuse to get better. We refuse to try. We arm ourselves with the superficially sanctified excuses and employ the cliches with no intention of ever making them mean something. Have you come up with “the right time and place” yet? Therapy? Where did that ridiculous phrase come from?
You don’t have to be on the tightrope. We all think it. We all feel it. You can walk around planet Earth, down here, with me, and we can work on turning the shit into something more productive or at least a string of jokes. I don’t need another minute of polite coddling. I don’t want you to tell me “it’s really coming down” during a storm. You can try harder, or, at all.
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