[509] Power On

I think a wildly important variable to consider if you ever hope to understand me revolves around power. 

I’ll give you my conception. I think power is fluid. It’s not this steadfast macho archetype meant to stomp out and dominate everything in its wake. Power is akin to recognition. You know when you can and can’t make a move and what the likely output will be. 

It gets deeper and little more insidious. Power is translation. It was a rather striking conclusion to me tonight, of the male teachers and leaders I’ve experienced in life, none have stepped to me like I’ve seen them do to other people. I think this speaks to “implicit” power. Take something as banal as a marching field. The director will whole up in the weakling’s face. If I fucked up, I can’t even imagine a scenario where he’s staring me down daring me to fuck up again. 

I didn’t think of it at the time. You don’t play ignorant monkey games when you’re a child bred to play by subservient rules. But the reasons some people got shit on to their face while others did not becomes clearer as you get older. They recognized more in you than you did at the time.

It’s something that speaks to how you can take things for granted. I, literally, have people actively avoid bringing certain situations to my attention. It doesn’t have to be because I’m some special awesome problem solver. It’s because they know how I’m going to end the problem and end it now. The implicit threat of force. The matter-of-fact approach I’m capable of applying. 

But I’m still so wildly intrigued. Why am I granted that power? What do you hear in my voice when shit gets “serious” that you know, fucking end now or god forbid? Is it really just an evolutionary thing? 

I’m not the biggest or strongest. I very well might be the craziest. I don’t think anyone who’s genuinely gotten to know me would doubt that. Is that matter-of-factly translated in how I speak? When I tell you to incapacitate me or else, even if the sentiment scares me, does it scare you more?

Because I don’t think it’s about sheer ego. There’s plenty of hedonistic egomaniacs that I’ve never felt intimidated by. What is this power that we give people like me? Just how “all-encompassing” might it speak to in group dynamics? 

I’m okay with this being a blurb because it’s just something I’m super interested in that I don’t think I’ve given enough time. I know the world changes when whatever my “dominant” influence kicks in. Why? How? How do I know that were my high school band director to get in my face, I’m convinced he would be genuinely worried I’d beat him over the head with my instrument in a way that the scab he fucked with wouldn’t? Just how much are we dominated by the will of the angriest monkey?