I'm struck by how often I'm reminded that you can't rely on anything. Moreover, the harder you try, the more instances it will sink in that you can, in fact, rely on things going to shit. This alone isn't what distresses me. After all, the rule is entropy. Though I will continue to be perplexed as to the hows and whys of the failure.
The specific situation is a friend no longer liking me. This happens. I certainly know how to say and do things incorrectly that prompts some people to not like me. The confusing and frustrating part is when I haven't really said or done anything to provoke such insistence that I'm no longer worthy or capable of their friendship.
Let's draw up a contrast to illustrate.Yelling, hitting, demeaning, stealing, lying...these lie on the extreme, easily justified reasons not to engage with someone. Farther down, you may have "quirks" or personality "failures" that cause people to only want to be with you sparingly or in specific situations. This is generally the realm where I identify most of the reasons I could understand someone no longer liking me.
I'm exhausting in my ability to tear things down. I'm really bad at not saying things, I'm told, "society" has a problem with. I get very pointed or seemingly argumentative when I want to know more about something you think or claim to feel. If I had my way, everything ever said would in some way reduce to being about sex. I mean puns and innuendos of course. So, I very much get it.
But, mostly the people who stick around, at least pretend, to get it as well. It's not that I have to behave like the above, but it speaks to the default easy way I relate to the world. I'd like to believe that if it was too grating or inappropriate, someone would let me know. After all, we became friends in spite or because of it,no?
It gets weirder though. I tend to lose friendships for things that come COMPLETELY out of left field, at least to me. I consider myself a fairly introspective person. I get plenty of gut instinctual reactions if our dynamic has changed. For the life of me, unless I say something blatantly terrible or am going out of my way to treat you like shit, I never seem able to catch when a particular conversation, in our years of conversions, was the one that sent you over the edge.
Say we hooked up. Of course I'm going to make jokes about being jealous if you get a boyfriend. It also doesn't mean that he isn't kind of an asshole if I felt the need to tell you, but that's something else. I've made jokes like this before, and it certainly wasn't because I consider you "meat."I would think if it was that disrespectful or icky to you'd say,"hey, not cool man, dial it back" or "was that meant to be as shitty as it felt?" Because, overwhelmingly, the answer is no. It's what I would consider an "obvious" no, given that we've known each other or gotten along for say, minimum 3-5 years, and that isn't randomly "beyond" how or what I joke about.
You get this sense that you're not given the benefit of the doubt so you can then be summarily dismissed.
Now, I have a theory. I don't think there really is a line, at least not one marked by the superficial things like misinterpreted conversations. My instinct is to try and discuss and identify what's gone wrong in order to maintain the friendship. But, sometime's I'm met with someone who persistently wants to frame me and my intentions in nothing but a damming light. So, I think something else underwrites that insistence.
As to what that is, it's really anyone's guess. Maybe they resent you. Maybe they've stock piled things thy don't like about you for years and now the flurry of accusations and character portrayals are their artistic interpretation of the monster they've concocted. Maybe you remind them of something or make them think in a way that doesn't jive with the life they've set up. Maybe they just got bored with you.
For me, time spent or good conversations aren't accidents. So, then neither is distance or shitty conversations. I feel like I make such a priority of trying to own when and why I could be considered an asshole, that I don't think it's fair or that I deserve to be surprised by your dishonesty. Don't be afraid to go away or tell me what I did wrong. I don't kick and scream and I've never approached a conversation with a friend where I was deliberately trying to sever all ties over some small misunderstanding.
It occurs to me as well that I'm sick of feeling like I need to lay down on some sword. 95% of you I haven't seen in years or barely talked to even in chat. I've set myself up as a kind of personality apologist as if I just go around kicking babies and yelling the N word while expecting you to "deal with it." Here's a less nice way to say it. If you're over me, get the fuck out of my life, as I really don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong.
I don't think there are enough people who care to appreciate the significance of an apology and conversation. The fact that they can lead you on for years as if to speak towards that dynamic that you could share, is quite the let down.
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