[418] Wherefore Art Thou Romantic

I’m not a romantic. ::pauses for gasps::

My instinct is to say is that it’s because I don’t like lying. More specifically, I don’t like lying about stupid things. Of course I can white lie my way through day to day pleasantries or to save my ass or something. But I don’t like lying about how I actually feel or what I think is actually happening. It seems stupid to try and delude myself.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have my whiny angst ridden rants about being in love as a teenager. These things are powerful, and not just in their powerfully poor wording or strong admonishment of paragraphs. “Love stuff” and “hopey dreamy changey” shit is the most powerful force after all of the 7 deadly sins. It’s really the only option people consider when they’re not trying to excuse away their deliberate bad behavior.

It feels like bad behavior. It feels like trying too hard. It feels like a show. The movie moment is no more sincere than the actors portraying it. Every story about undying love carrying you into the future is bullshit. But, we’re an older crowd now. We know this already, right?

Because I don’t think we do. Maybe it’s not in your relationship. Maybe it’s in your friendships. To be sure, romanticism, can blanket its fair share without ever getting all the way to the L word. Who’s your “best friend” and why? When you stop texting them or letting them know you’re in town, do you just call that “growing up?” Because in response to one guy’s short story, 1500 people on reddit certainly agree that’s what it is. We’ve certainly seen the portrayals of best buds on the playground growing up and toughing it out in the movies. How soul crushing to have to move on and be an adult! 

It’s this single dialogue I’m tired of. My “best friend” is a relatively emotionless sociopath not unlike me. We relate because of our mutual “shit on the world as it actually deserves” and “achieve things in ways no one else tries” perspective. You could be my best friend tomorrow if you operated like that. Connection is about shared perspective. You lose the “romance” of your togetherness when you don’t respect it for what it is. It’s when you become disillusioned about it not living up to a, very likely to be unrealistic, standard.

You’re my friends, presumably. It’s because I either enjoy, or at one time enjoyed and keep crossing my finger’s you’ll return to, your perspective. It’s not really a rating system. I’m not trying cry myself to sleep at night because you have different things you want to do that have nothing to do with me. I know that I can expect out of me a kind of allegiance to you. It’s all I have control over. If you need to “grow up” and it involves never talking to me again, that’s on you. I consider myself your friend because I like You, not what you’re supposed to mean as apart my emotional crutches for the future. 

I try to choose to “have it all” in the company I keep. Nothing more, nothing less. I think this only becomes hard to understand when you look past how much is there already. I don’t really “wait it out until things are better.” I’m not dreaming about one day conducting my life on blissful autopilot. I fell under what feels like a very isolating spell, but it’s better than feigned enthusiasm and wishful thinking. I used to consider it “adult,” but that’s proving to be as nonsensical and arbitrary a term as you could hope for. Oh well, guess it’s back to letting things happen around me.