I related in the last bullshit diatribe that I felt “infinitely conditional.” What I didn't accurately depict is that even at my worst, I still so god damn mother fuck believe and am better than the other people that I'm obligated to do better than the shit ass fuck all examples I see currently from them. (Literary scholars will struggle with this one in the future.)
Short story. Once, I tried to relate to Kristen and said something to the effect of “If I was basically total shit but still looked out for you, would you be cool?” And she responded, “You're incapable of being total shit.”
FUCK. Like, I hope you find people in your life to tell you the same obvious shit about yourself on the daily because if you're like me, you'll find ways to play and dance around that don't speak to the real shit. “It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.”
Nietzsche has this idea of “exhaustion” that has stuck with me since the moment I read it. It's bottom floor how I conceive of you. You're exhausted thinking about this or that and therefore accept the metrics in place to codify your life. Sorry friends lol, you're normal too and your behavior is going to map out over years you don't care to think about.
So take that long term “circumstantial” idea.
Really think about it you mother fuckers. Fuck you writing me off because I'm drunk lol.
I'm with Kristen. I don't like the word love, I don't really believe in marriage, but I'm developing an ongoing set of rules and conduct that is “us” which will use terms independent of how I initially conceived of them.
Make no mistake. I'd totes marry Kristen. I challenge you to find someone of a similar disposition and looks that is going to give you “more” than whomever the hell you're with. All the shit I've ever said about love or marriage or relationships all remains true mind you. I just think it interesting and noteworthy the people who would make you stand on your words in a different wobbly fashion and why. Kristen is def one of those mother fuckers.
I think this partly comes from shit experiences at the bars. I think this also partly comes from always craving “real” in that pretentious “I know better than you” fashion. Like, I feel given the utter uncertainty of existence I don't believe in taking things for granted, but I'm no stranger to how I think and have to say “who the fuck else do you think I'd be with besides Kristen?” It feels like fate not because I believe in magic, but because god fucking forbid you think that in my actual life and circumstances I'm going to have anything less. You pithy peon fucks. My friends shouldn’t feel bad at this point, I'm just sayin.
And I like that. I like the “fuck you” factor. Because in reality, that's why I can't even own “sit on my ass status.” I'm stuck having to try and care and have this standard that you may not even care about that I still don't even think you can live up to haha. But that's what I love about me.
With any luck, I'll have many more years to misrepresent who the fuck I am at a fundamental level. I really do appreciate you tagging along. I never pretended that I'd have the encouraging words and motivating dialogue to keep us afloat. But surely, given that I carry on for my own clarification, that doesn't even need to mean dick.
My process is fucking stupid.
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