[393] Buffering

From where do we get our wisdom?

Whether it's the knowing glare at the kids who are learning their limits, or the gut feeling to remove yourself from a situation, there seems to be a place of, not even pure knowledge, but contentedness and knowing that we're convinced we're apart of as we get older.

Surely much of it is bred from experience. Incomplete experience, but first hand knowledge nonetheless. Maybe you started out in an abusive relationship, but not until you got out, spent a couple years playing the field, then sat down and compared that relationship to a flier, does it set in that you were in fact in an abusive place. At the time, you had nothing to compare it to. What he did or how you spoke to each other was “normal.” It set the groundwork for how you conceive of yourself, as well as how two people are supposed to conduct themselves in a relationship.

Being unlikely to be abused by my female counterparts in any romantic set up, my closest analogy is my home life growing up. I even had one reasonable and chilled out parent and one crazy one. But that didn't make the beatings, headaches, and drama anything less than “normal” when I fucked something up. Looking back I'd think that I'd never what to react that way to a child. But at the time, it was just understood that if something got broken or if a chore wasn't done, we risked being hit or having something of ours broken in return. There's a whole host of things I could claim to “really really know” about abuse.

And how often do we run into someone who has that kind of knowing confidence about something, but still remain actually ignorant or are stuck perpetuating a problem? It serves as a point of massive confusion. Take something like dating. How many know-it-all tips and tricks are there about how you should monitor your drink or if a guy does X it means he wants Y? I've read about girls who've been drugged on multiple occasions that it would be hard to blame for “taking it for granted” that guys in general are going to behave a certain way. Ultimately though, are they right?

There's a battle between your experience and statistics, and you rarely ever know or consider the statistics. I think often the most egregious examples of the cliches are what get talked about the most, and therefore become the norm. Tonight, for example, we had to dodge puke on the way to the bars. I pulled open a bathroom where a guy was sitting on a toilet puking on the floor between his legs. These things seem much more likely in the first few weeks of school than any other time I experience the bars. Is the conclusion then “All new 21 year old kids can't hold their liquor!” Not exactly.

Socrates was told by the Oracles at Delphi that he was wisest among all men because he understood that he didn't really know anything. The whole Socratic method boils down to feigning ignorance and asking an endless amount of questions of those who purport to be leaders or intellectuals. The first time you drink too much, in a way, could boil down to asking yourself what your limits are. You could be “wise” in pursuing that knowledge and learning your limits. You could also do it at your house and puke in a toilet, thus gaining more wise points if you will, but even when dealing with areas prone to irresponsibility and abuse there can be an ethic guiding your decision making.

This is why I have a problem with “moral blankets.” You can see in my old writing me expressing a kind of certitude about drinking or sexual pursuits that I find cringe worthy today. It may have been in a righteous vein, but it wasn't appreciating nuance. It didn't care about the details, and it certainly didn't concern itself with the environment from which its opinion came.

But I'm concerned with how we impart wisdom en mass. My ever worth noting hatred of cliches means that if I have kids, I don't want them to ever think “that's life.” That's not wisdom, it's a cop out. I don't want them to hear about warring states and have conflict become normalized. I think about places like Middle Way House that protect women to the best of their ability, but how do we get and perpetuate a message of what abuse looks like so that it's stopped or curbed before lives are threatened? How do we alter the playing field in general? No one wants to think “well men are always bigger and more violent, so this is about the appropriate number of women we can expect to be abused.”

I think it first starts with being like Socrates. First, you don't know anything. Now you're prepared to figure out what you might know. Now you can develop a habit of questions on questions without losing your mind. You can allow for difference and nuance without throwing out the underlying ethic.

I think it's important to state a kind of character that you need to adopt to proceed in a Socratic way. Socrates didn't fear death. In his mind, he didn't know what lied beyond so it was silly to get worked up. I think we often treat our conception of the world as a precious model that can never die. If it does, we'll never be able to reorient ourselves again. To force your perspective, to hold yourself accountable, and to internalize the consequences of change are fairly dramatic shifts in thinking if you're in a comfortable rut.

Do you have to live your parents mistakes? Do you have to live up to the, poorly defined, “societal expectations?” Is your horrible experience with a parent or spouse the guiding light in all your future relationships? Does your struggle inform and broaden your perspective or trap you? It all boils down to essentially the same thing. From where are you going to acquire wisdom?