I
guess it’s just a symptom of staying up all night.
TV
helps me think. It gives me a template. The show Greek has let my
mind wander about relationships and cheating. Gantz prompts me to
think about futility, redundancy, and cynicism. Of course I can just
kinda space out and watch some other shows, but in general I catch
myself just thinking.
I
take for granted how I think and behave; my sense of practicality,
sarcasm, and logic specifically. I’m told that I should respect
other people’s opinions. I find this hard to accept. Opinions ought
to be reserved for food and entertainment preferences. If you think
something that is incorrect, and voice your opinion, to me, your
opinion doesn’t matter. I understand that you “feel” something
or believe yourself to be correct, but that only matters to you.
I
suppose I bring this up because I need to explore how and why I
behave in the context of so many opinions. Why I fight. How I’ve
come to my relative conclusions on how and when to deal with people.
If we are to accept that everyone is a hypocrite, then we can be sure
that no one is completely reliable. Fair enough? I think people
extend this understanding too far and suppose as far as believing
nobody is reliable for practically anything. I think this is an
extension of what they believe about themselves.
I
have an extremely hard time finding myself unreliable. If only my
demeanor and thought process remain fairly constant, I never “get
lost in it all.” I don’t really feel diminished or surprised by
anything for more than a few moments. I sometimes wonder if I should
be more worried. I doubt that I should, but I do wonder.
I
think about the point of operating under “the world at large”
context. Why open a business in a world on the verge of destroying
itself? Why engage with people you’re planning on forgetting? Why
act as if you need more than a bit of food and shelter to be fairly
happy? I suppose my short answer is that it’s exciting and it’s
to spite pessimism and ignorance. I get off on being an example. I’m
not sure why outside of this blissful potential future I envision. Oh
naivety, you take us so far.
I
hope it’s not the case, but I suspect it is, that no matter what
you do, how you think, or what you show people to be true, they will
trump you with their opinions. I think selfishness reigns supreme. If
and when you don’t distinguish the kind of selfish you are, you
default to the stupid destructive one. We aren’t fundamentally
conservative, respectful, or thoughtful because the majority of our
existence it wasn’t required of us. Perhaps another argument
against free will?
Regardless,
as long as I can identify things I want I’ll continue dictating and
working towards them. I want good ideas to be enabled. I want to
continue believing and proving that some ideas are better than
others. I want to enable freedom, my own and for others who can
appreciate it. I want to live seeing what I’m capable of more than
die “knowing” what I could’ve done. Although it’s
weird, I kind of feel like I’m working towards losing my will to
live. Like, once I’ve done enough of what I want I’ll
just sort of be like, “Well yeah, kinda done now, guess I’ll go
ahead and die.” I’m intrigued to see if this moment ever comes. I
think I feel worse anticipating the thought than I ever would if it
genuinely arose.
I
think I’m special while understanding I’m not. I hope for more
people to accept this view. You’re not that smart. You’re not
that hot. You’re not that talented or innovative or selfless. Yet,
because you hopefully matter to yourself, and almost certainly matter
to someone else, you can confidently proclaim you are special. You
are what you observe about yourself and what others observe about
you. Existing is special. I think this isn’t enough to inspire
most. Until you kill yourself, you at the very least perpetuate the
idea that existing is special, if only your existence. Is that all
you’re going to do?
If
everyone is a particle, and particles are more stable together, I’d
like people to be more together. Most importantly, I’d like it to
be in the realm of ideas. The rate and connectivity of your neurons
firing determine the strength and potential for action. We have far
too many examples of what happens when you cultivate fear and anger.
I think we are literally suffering for truth and genuine well-being.
I’ve think we’ve been like this for our existence. Perhaps the
advent of the scientific method is the first development of this
need. Perhaps the ones that don’t respect or care to understand
science just haven’t suffered the consequences of their existence
yet. If only those consequences didn’t involve a shared planet.
I
don’t want to feel like I have to trick people into liking or
respecting me. I don’t want to plant qualifiers into conversations.
I don’t want to force a certain look. I want the kind of respect
that comes from recognizing another thoughtful human being. I want to
be liked because someone else likes themselves when they are around
me. I want to help enable the best of you knowing I can only do it by
being the best of me. I don’t think the best of me is based on my
opinion.
