Might as well talk to myself
So now that I’ve gotten the most of
the “little things” that it takes to run a business; tax
exemption status, commissioned plans for the kiosk, a product list,
and tentative menu, I can’t help but think even more so how this
last little “push” of college is going to be a complete fucking
pain in the ass. Two weeks after I came to this place I knew I didn’t
want to be here. Maybe sooner than that, but I try to keep an open
mind, haha.
I tend to have a problem when things
are too simple. I mean, this running a business shit has plenty of
shit I’ve yet to understand or figure out, but literally every
question I have is a phone call or google search away. No matter how
anxious or fucking lost I may seem, I have the ability and resources
to find someone to fill in the blanks. That fact that it is so step
by step kind of blows my mind. The fact that it’s all I’ve ever
wanted to do, and when I finally have the time a resources to do it,
it’s exactly as I thought it would be is just….wow.
I sometimes worry about this inability
to be surprised. It’s easy to say “there are resources available,
therefore I tapped into them and answered my questions.” It’s
another thing to say, “give me five minutes with any person and
I’ll probably dictate most of their views and life.” It happened
tonight. I sat alone at steak n shake, got some fries and was
planning on chilling. The girls in the next booth invited me over.
They weren’t anything special. One knocked up when she was 20, the
other passively referring the plethora of boys she’s been with or
places she was trying to stay at. Granted, I don’t care who you
fuck or how many nor whether you have kids, but I care when your
story is that of everyone who fucks around or gets knocked up.
When it comes to getting everything I
want, I of course want life to be everything I expect it to be. I
want to know that opening a coffee shop, the only coffee shop, in a
mall with ridiculously high traffic, is going to net me a shit ton in
a relatively short time by comparison to most businesses. I don’t
want to be so confident when I deal with people. It makes me want to
behave in just, not fun, ways.
You ever write your 250th
something blog and feel so self-indulgent? That somehow your
semi-tipsy “rants” or depictions of your experience amount to
more than words that may or may not translate into an ounce of
something meaningful for someone else. Of course I do it to hopefully
bring myself more clarification, but there is a clear gratification
in hearing that someone was even marginally affected or prompted to
think about something. I still need to maintain a sort of
self-humbling vendetta. To always shoot myself down and know that
nothing I say is that original, that cool, that meaningful, etc. I
think I simply pursue a dialogue with myself that I so rarely get
from most others. Even more specifically, the spontaneous and
exciting dialogue.
I suppose, most importantly, is that
it’s not that I expect people to be surprising. I don’t think
surprises are anything more than the “right” people under the
“right” circumstances. I’m more dismayed that people don’t
set themselves up to be surprised. They don’t go out of their way
to try and be a surprise. They don’t hold too many “dangerous”
contrary views. They don’t act on spontaneous urges. They don’t
trust they’d know what to do if they’re day and night wasn’t
planned. If the girls that invited me over to their table felt more
inclined towards conversation instead of texting the boys from their
past, something surprising may have arisen. When people put aside
their bubbles, their expectations, and clue into the potential of any
moment, you get to explore what would have never existed outside of
your awareness of that moment.
And it’s not enough to just be aware
of it, you have to want it. It can’t be forced. You can’t
persuade someone to be “in to it.” “It” being that moment,
the willingness, and the focus on what you can do.
Switching gears.
What does it mean to be stressed?
Biolife has been telling me my blood pressure has been high lately
and that it’s normally due to stress. What do I have to be stressed
about? I pretty much disregard school. I could literally fail my last
few weeks and I’m still infinitely confident in my ability to get
the coffee shop running that I could give less than a fuck. I don’t
surround myself with people I dislike. I’m always good to make
myself laugh. Yet, I don’t think I could deny that some shit gets
to me. I want to know why.
Why the fuck should I care? I’m
genuinely confused by this. You’re talking about a person who
doesn’t give a fuck about his own mother. What the hell could be so
significant to break into that husk of sociopathic asshole? Do I
maintain a sense of “worriedness” to perpetuate some semblance of
humanity? Do I simply know that if I give up that last little bit I’m
truly lost? Is it just a weird gene expression thing? Some family
history of anxiety or angst that supersedes whatever I’d like to
condition myself against? Maybe it’s just impossible to claim you
understand something unless you can grasp all the “feeling”
bullshit that goes along with a given concept. So I do it out of
necessity in order to remain a reasoned and thoughtful person.
The reason this is a problem is because
I can’t understand the reason to give a shit. I understand selfish
hedonism. I understand trying to maintain and celebrate things that
make you happy or things you recognize as positive and helpful traits
towards well-being. I even get empathy for the most petty and naïve
of feelings. I still have yet to understand how to justify giving a
shit, overall, given blatant stated nature of things.
How do you care when the problems and
solutions can be dictated clearly by any objective standard, and yet
nothing gets done? How can you care about someone when they don’t
even know, or care to know, what it means to care about themselves?
How can you worry when you know it accomplishes nothing? How can you
stand to be an example for people who will only fear or hate you? The
ones who recognize you have your problem; they like the example, they
understand the example, but being like you, they don’t need the
level of impact from the example that the person is trying to be.
They give a head nod, you receive a head nod, and meanwhile the
children meander about the yard uprooting your garden.
I don’t want to go crazy.
