It’s nice when things are simple.
Simple to understand. Simple to explain. I try fairly hard to take
the litany of issues I can have with any particular subject and break
them down into simple rules of how to deal with or fix something.
Take one of my biggest problems; how to
deal with people. I find it almost too easy to disregard people. Yet,
the conflicting thoughts of “wow, this is an awesomely fun time and
I really appreciate or dig whatever this person said or did” pound
away in defiance of my…habit. I had a really good time tonight
where this is what happened.
I think realizing your potential can be
a terrifying thing. Apparently, when I can’t remember the things
I’m saying, my drunk mind speaking a sober heart has all the faith
in the world as to my mental capacity for doing things. Having to
always play the devil’s advocate to myself, it’s easy to dissuade
myself from the seemingly outlandish implications of how I would
choose to conduct myself. I think if I broaden my definition of what
it means to be an acceptable human, I can get away with hitting the
inevitable pitfalls of a broadening responsibility.
Explanation by example. I want to run
the world. In a weird quasi philosophical notion-ish sense, I already
do. The problem of trying for that kind of level of responsibility or
understanding is knowing too much. When problems aren’t problems,
just annoying temporary bumps on the road to the inevitable. When
your relationships are practically impossible to maintain via mutual
respect and understanding and always “degrade” into what you are
or aren’t getting from them. The more you understand, or at least
tout that you understand, the more you feel jaded. You get
irresponsible, you test waters, you deliberately piss people off
because what do they matter. This is a clear problem.
Simple equation. Food + music + alcohol
+ conversation. It’s an equation that I have had a ridiculously
large amount of fun with. Does it last when you get to “serious”
topics? When your friends start to think of themselves as too old or
too responsible to act like the kids they were in college. I have
this utter dread that the outlets in which I get some of the most fun
I’ve ever had are going to continually dry up as people find the
comfy spot they want to conform to. Then I become some kind of junkie
looking to establish “new and exciting” relationships that will
fall to the wayside like all the others.
It’s almost the same story when it
comes to business. Yes, I want to own my shit. I can’t find the
motivation to do it for myself. If I’m not enabling, if I’m not
showing people how easy it can be when you have even one person who
gives a shit, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I hate
wanting to be that kind of person amidst a world designed to tear my
ideals apart. We play political games instead of rewarding and
protecting talent and innovation. What happens when I get the world?
The exact same human things that make it the place it is will fuck
something up. How do you justify fighting a battle that never ends?
Because it perks you up? Gives you a sense of purpose? Maybe you
can’t be about the “overall battle” and just have to bring it
down to specifics. Fight for the people you choose. Fuck the world,
I’ll just try to be an example for my friends. If only it was
easier to ignore the world.
This feels all over the place. I don’t
handle happiness well. I don’t know what to do with a ton of
positive thoughts and a positive outlook. As if one day the impending
cloud of “oh that’s why I stopped caring” will disappear. I
wish I was more naïve and could just bask in it. This might be why I
like dreaming so much. Stupid friends, making me want to grab them
and never let them go, fuckers.
