Wednesday,
January 20, 2010 at 3:24am
I think the worst way you can fuck someone is to not think. So, when I want to say something like, "Everyone you ever meet is in someway trying to fuck you" it can be read in a manner that alludes mostly to their either inability, unwillingness, or errors of thought. I think it best to just describe the current atmosphere and go from there. Chris (roommate) decides within the last two days apparently, to take a job (internship) in California and cut out on subletting for the rest of the semester. This, for anybody sensible about living situations, particularly ours, is extremely irresponsible, immature, and a truly dick move slap in the face to us who must pick up the extra weight either financially, or in dealing with/finding a new, potentially random, person to move in. Chris, who manages to get caught up in any particular moment and somehow project it onto the entirety of his life, has fucked us. I wish he was just simply an asshole so it would be warranted to just jump him. It gets "complicated" because he's not merely an asshole, his pervading problem is being a stupid fucking stoner who's living up to every cliche. It is the same stupidity that could never appreciate what it is we really have going here at the house. You won't have to wake up in your thirties to realize you enjoy having a smoke room, a roommate who always gives you food when she cooks, a seven foot wall tv with every system hooked up to it, friends over to share their food and illicit materials everyday, and two roommates who've dropped an insane amount of money to try and make your cohabitation as fun and cool as possible.
But back to my unique perspective. Being "responsible" I email my, Tammi, and dad so they are up to date. For anybody who doesn't know, I've already had a roommate dip set on me from a pseudo mental breakdown and had to cover that portion of the rent. So, for someone who's been here before, why does my Tammi believe that "she tried to tell me so" that we'd be responsible for paying if someone left. Why was "she so afraid something like this would happen" when she knows I understand the reality and should assume I was prepared to deal with just that happening again. The answer again, she doesn't think. While a non-thinking Chris fucks me financially, and it's not even as bad as what it will mean for my other roommates, I get my Tammi to chime in and try to fuck me intellectually. It's at this point I'm tempted to say I'm always confused about people. This, though, can only be half true, or perhaps in need of being worded completely differently. The problem is that I do understand them. I understand their stupidity and irrationality. I know enough about both of them to expect enough kinds of behaviors (maybe not necessarily if they'll choke someone out ::coughs::, but) given a scenario. What I can't understand is how or why they perpetuate in it. How and why does it make them happy to fuck over and insult an alleged friend or offspring? What has to happen, what string of coincidences that result in "you," has to make it okay to make the decisions and assumptions that are so horrendously ungrounded? How has it become seemingly impossible for someone to see any consequence, let alone a negative one, to their actions?
My brand of selfishness is to create an atmosphere (hopefully) the people around me can appreciate and enjoy to the same extent I can. When they are happier, WE can get more done, WE can have real conversations, WE can discuss and create goals that WE all benefit from. I've stated enough times that I can be happy alone, but I don't necessarily want to be, nor can I have the same brand of fun. So I satisfy my naturally self-serving disposition through actions geared towards people who overwhelmingly don't appreciate them, BUT I don't run the risk of making a decision like Chris's. I won't ever be caught making a statement so frighteningly defiant of logic that you are compelled to pity me and my level of service to my selfishness. I can't get what I want at all costs because I'd be sacrificing the very things I want. Apparently, a relatively happy group of friends who can enjoy and appreciate their time together is a naive goal. Expecting people to be even remotely responsible for themselves is for dreamers and those in denial about their responsibility to control and manipulate.
So when do I get to breakdown? When do I get to fold my arms and run away? At what point is it okay for me to just fall in line, forgo my rationality, remain in a perpetual drug and alcohol induced state and wash my hands of all the bullshit? The answer is never. I could lose everything I have, be informed I'll be dead in five years from a new virus called exponential aids, get punched in the face and balls every fucking day, and I'll still be screaming with violent discontent about how big an irrational bullshit fuck up you are for bitching, complaining, and being unable to either solve the problem or find what there is to be happy about in any given moment. I'll still be ready to get more angry about your lack of thought, lack of self-control, and lack of perspective before I tear myself down about the problems in my life. If I'm not allowed keep myself down, don't for a fucking second think I'm making any room or excuses for you. Give me another fucked up roommate, give me another crazy parent, give me unappreciative friends, illness, and pain because I'm going to spit those "problems" into your face and make you look and feel like the complete disgrace and waste of a person that I could never encompass with mere words.
Top of
Form
Updated
about a month ago · Comment · LikeUnlike
So,
I have thoroughly thought through this, and weighed the ups and
downs, and how it may affect people. And with that being said, you
should know that this is not a mental fuck. :
*hug*
*hug*
January
20 at 7:40am ·
I'm
not sure I was going for mental fuck, so I'll take that as a good
thing.
January
20 at 12:42pm ·
I
enter every situation thinking "neone who can f me will" bc
i have been literally betrayed by everyone who shouldnt have done
such..including both parents and each "family" i lived with
while in high school. I dont even talk to these people any more
because as soon as I personally got too close..i got F*d. I believe
that trust in a figment of my imagination. I expect everyone at one
point in time or another to royally screw me or say/do something I
take offense to, even if they dont think what they did/said would
offend me.
Just bc u try to cancel out a statement by saying "dont be mad when i say" or "dont take offense when i say" Screw that. People are terrible.
I got choked out by the person I thought i was closest two in the house..I live with this among other things such as this conversation btwn ex kody and said prick:... See More
Kody: will you be in Bloomington this weekend
Ctico:Ha, I went back last week. Whats up
Kody:1. You deserve a punch in the mouth
2. I wanted to see one of my very best friends before he went back to Cali
***NOTE that the friendship continues after the "punch in the face"**
Ctico:Lol. Aight. But then we need to go to the tracks after. Deal?
Kody:lol how did you know my plan....but seriously... wtf were you thinking? You never do that, EVER; to anyone..
Ctico:I learned a valuable lesson in humility. I would much rather have friends.
A WOMAN was psychically attacked. I think about it everyday. At first blaming myself. Clearly there are NO decent men noted in this blog. Nick you were just the first to call attention to it. They can keep their narcotics and ignore how to properly carry out human interaction, talking like adults, and continue being socially awkward/ retarded. Bc once again illegal substances are more important than human actions. All is forgiven right? Not in my book. I expected this.
Just bc u try to cancel out a statement by saying "dont be mad when i say" or "dont take offense when i say" Screw that. People are terrible.
I got choked out by the person I thought i was closest two in the house..I live with this among other things such as this conversation btwn ex kody and said prick:... See More
Kody: will you be in Bloomington this weekend
Ctico:Ha, I went back last week. Whats up
Kody:1. You deserve a punch in the mouth
2. I wanted to see one of my very best friends before he went back to Cali
***NOTE that the friendship continues after the "punch in the face"**
Ctico:Lol. Aight. But then we need to go to the tracks after. Deal?
Kody:lol how did you know my plan....but seriously... wtf were you thinking? You never do that, EVER; to anyone..
Ctico:I learned a valuable lesson in humility. I would much rather have friends.
A WOMAN was psychically attacked. I think about it everyday. At first blaming myself. Clearly there are NO decent men noted in this blog. Nick you were just the first to call attention to it. They can keep their narcotics and ignore how to properly carry out human interaction, talking like adults, and continue being socially awkward/ retarded. Bc once again illegal substances are more important than human actions. All is forgiven right? Not in my book. I expected this.
Bottom
of Form
