I want love. I want to feel fulfilled, I 'd love to see the bible come through in my life so I can get rid of doubt. But now instead of letting the once high times get to me as well as they did, I bring them back down to the thinking level. Then the low times come in and I don't even have something to look back on to get back up. If there is only now, no past or future, just now that we should be concerned with, why the fuck do so many pastors, Christians, other religious figures say "in the future you can hope to get here, one day you'll meet that one special person, only through consistent self sacrifice can one hope to achieve the personal relationship God wants to have with us."
Well right now, at this moment I'm well aware of what I want, know exactly how to get it, and yet can't achieve it. Fuck, from one thing I read it made it sound that if you kill yourself in some moment of righteousness you'll still go to heaven. Umm conflicting? I'm tired of one end of the bible conflicting with another. It shouldn't be this fucking confusing. I still don't know how to think, and I probably never have. Bible study is supposed to lead you into frustration right? And now I'm supposed to believe that God just won't care about what I get for myself if he's not in my life so distinguishing one from the other serves no means for any proof. I'm lost and tired. I refuse to settle and I continue down this path to self destruction.
What kind of answer for wondering why your questions aren't answered is "wait?" WAIT FOR FUCKING WHAT! Wait for more bible verses to be written? Wait for the Jesus to finally come down and solidify my damnation? Wait to say the ultra wrong thing, make the absolute dumbest mistake, miss the perfect opportunity? I'm waiting to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm waiting to get the opportunity to live for one of God's creations. I'm waiting to find people who stimulate thought and seek understanding without turning a blind eye to questions they don't think their strong enough to handle.
GOD IS LOVE right? GOD IS LOVE. If you can find a better word to describe what I seek, what I hope to have thrive in a relationship, what I don't want to turn my heart against than love I challenge you. So then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD why doesn't anything seem to be working out? How many times do I need to have humility lessons, how much worse do I have to view my past sexual acts, how much farther do I need to push feelings for her away to feel any closer to God instead?
You know if I can believe in God and feel so bad about all the teachings and sayings in the bible then that would mean it really is the devil that's doing or planting all this bullshit I put myself through. And if that is the case, then again FUCK YOU DEVIL. You're a bitch I'm tired of this shit, you, and God lets you exist for whatever reason, love, what have you, and you're a fucking idiot for taking my thoughts and turning them into "me." Now how the fuck can I faithfully say something like that when I take responsibility for everything I do. I say I'm a terrible person, practically daily. I know I'm tainted goods and feel terrible about it thinking about what I may have lost. I'M TAKING THE FUCKING STEPS, I GET IT, I'M FUCKED UP, I NEED HELP, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?
YOU compel me to feel a certain way, don't make my choices, but put the feelings there, or so I read from one "reliable" source (bible.com) I know me, I know how I react to people, situations, "life," what have you. So this overwhelming compelling force comes along and makes me want to be this deep, happy, and worthy person who can find God and be secure in his faith and all I end up becoming is someone more difficult who questions his motives for being nice, and makes stupid situations with skittles. I just want to make her happy. I want God to bless me enough to do that.
It doesn't matter what I want though right. The ever waiting Christian.
