DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: discontent
Current mood: discontent
Well
after reading the definition of love on Wikipedia and my stomach in
knots I figure why not see what's in my head. According to the bible
God is love. I think this is insanely interesting because if God is
love that would make it infallible, perfect, in essence what every
human being should aspire to, value, and live for. So then I start
wondering, Well if God is love why do people, namely if not
frequently those who are absorbed in Christianity, tell me to just
get over the girl I say I love. Could there be a bigger oxymoron than
that? God is in you, knows what you think, completely understands
everything you do or don't do, gave you every asset of your being and
yet when he's on the hamster wheel in your stomach you should just
give up and punch in at signs of distress? I don't believe that you
can feel a certain way about someone for so long and have it all
motivated out of pride. As I was reading I connected to a piece if
not fully to every definition that was proposed. Love is ineffable
(cannot be expressed in words). I don't understand where people think
enough talking and focusing elsewhere is going to make you feel
better if the love seems unrequited. I want to know what the people
who pray everyday, try to work for God, ask for forgiveness and all
the other good stuff do when their deepest wishes and prayers go
unanswered. Everyone can say its all part of the bigger plan and for
this reason or another but what is really going on in the psyche of
one of those people. Not a shade of doubt arises? No anger, just
complete understanding, HA! Ya right, even the bible calls that one.
But then to make it all better the bible says start back at the
beginning of the line where everything made you feel happy and
enlightened then everything will be alright again. Anyone else see a
trend? I'm not going to lie, my first thoughts about getting into or
learning about religion weren't at first related to being with God.
But then, after you gain perspective and start to realize more and
more how wrong you were/are can you still justify buying into
everything when it feels as though God or at least his followers are
contradicting themselves, moreover, in the most important area of
life? All I can really talk about or be completely honest about is
myself and what I see in my world. I doubt I'm as worthy as those who
are "seeing" and "hearing" God everyday but why
can't I seem to feel secure in the type of love He assures or is
expressing to me that others want to praise so highly? I can't stop
the stomach churning, I would if I could. And the very fact that I
can't leaves me to believe that someone or something is telling me
that it isn't suppose to stop and is suppose to keep influencing my
decisions and putting me through the sleepless nights and headaches.
And if the one thing that I can have faith in, God, is making all
this happen and is actually talking and showing Himself in, trust me,
the only way that I would be responsive to, then how am I the stupid
one for not giving up?
The bible says to avoid all temptation? Even the urge that temps you to strive for love?
