Friday,
July 11, 2008 at 8:01am
Alan
I just tagged you because you were there as most if not all of this
really isn't geared at you. Also, for anyone concerned I'm not
speaking from "Nick and Byron's" perspective so depending
on what you regard as the actual "bitch move" some of the
things may not come across correctly or clearly. I'm just elaborating
on how I view things.
It's amazing what we're capable of. Simply amazing. I mean to literally destroy a friend's life would be chalked up there with killing random pets. I just want the dynamic back. When someone tries to take up a position of authority that does not belong, in any sense, to them, it is hard to refrain from reacting in what is now being considered a "bitch move." Now maybe my definition of bitch is different because usually its the bitch that has to take the back seat on bikes, the bitch who gets slapped around, the bitch who has to follow orders. Sending proper messages through serious channels is not bitch. I talk so much about trying to find people who are on my level. I know that most people are at their normal, and what I consider to be useless, stasis. My initial group of friends is comprised of people I semi grew up with and I generally get along with. You can't get back what you loose with your roots so I figure it is worth trying to formulate something from your history and base, instead of poking around with every new personality you come across. In such a group, you have a hierarchy. When that is challenged, you either step down and take things like the proverbial bitch, or you come back tenfold with a blindside that overtly gets your point across. Jim is a bitch. Jim is less than a bitch because he seems to actively pursue the "art of bitch." He's fat, he smells, he can barely play and sing crappy music, and every attempt made at making him a "project" that will make him emerge able to talk to girls, be social, and just mesh better is spat at and shit on by his ego, of all things imaginable, his ego. When a person like this says anything to you, automatically you want to hit them. When they say things in a condescending and pious attitude, all bets are off. I thought it has been abundantly clear to people who even vaguely know me that I am not a nice person. I don't feel any sort of allegiance to the "don't look like a bitch club." I'm playing my own game, for my own team, under my terms. When I start to roast or say some shit about someone like that, it isn't fun and games, its "I feel bad about myself for putting up with a person who allows himself to carry on in this way." The only joke is thinking the tongue lashing will lead to any sort of change.
I am the one who pulls for people. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt and am not quick to hammer in the last nails. What kills me the most is when I do this, no matter what befalls the "friends" afterward, I will never believe they feel as angry or pained as I do when things aren't felt to be working out. When they allowed the most disgusting and degenerate waste of life to actively speak up for them, it conveyed more to me than any excuse I could have to just let things die. I ultimately blame myself for how situations play out, and this is no different. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised things went from "bullshitting" to scary serious in a moment, but they did. If people are ever going to get along with me, its going to require honesty. Unfortunately for most people faced with an opportunity to lay it all out there, they recede to their happy places and hope things will blow over within the actions of another. This kind of second-handed way of living one's life is beyond unacceptable to me. Why should I have an opinion you might ask? Where is there room for me to step in and try to guide the tides in a direction I see fit? Take ten seconds and think about religion, mob mentality, popularity, and reality tv. When someone sets a precedent, for example, letting the most meager of survivors in a group speak as if they have anything to say or any place to say it, everyone else feels entitled to speak from this position. It's not BJ's position or DJ's position. It's BJ's position in light of the freedom he now feels after what has transpired. It's DJ's position after the relief he feels not having to expound in some tangent about where he's "really" coming from. This is not honest, moreover it is unjust and disgusting. And as the self-interested person I am, if these people are going to be my "friends," I have little recourse but to do the only truly friendly thing I'm good at, making things real. Quite frankly, when you let someone speak for you like that, I'll do what I have to that makes you wake up to yourself.
Now obviously I'm not the cleanest or "best" example of anything. I try to grow everyday with all the good and bad consequences that come from my actions. I was the one that got caught after all. At the same time though, I can understand that deeper thing about me that keeps it cool and knows everything can be made alright, despite the big reveals at the end. I'm not sure how convinced am I that I will return to the kind of life I had when things were "innocent" and "experimental," because I'm sort of driven towards reckless abandon. I don't crave power, but it is a funny little feeling to think that someone would hold you responsible for literally destroying their life. I don't want to become entrenched in someone else's life, but I keep getting reminded that they are always around. What they do and say comes back to me. If I don't do something I automatically excuse and accept whatever the outcome is. So I suppose I've stated it enough times in previous blogs, but again won't hurt. I'm out to literally change the human dynamic. I want to take every old, precious, and "understood" way to live and put them in a new light. I would rather be around ten people that could "destroy me" in an instant who all understand and appreciate why they won't, than one person who will be my best friend and never care to understand why or how we're friends. Yet the answer is simple no? Your in it for the feelings you get. The mental stimulation of bouncing ideas off of someone "at your level." When are we going to choose to exist at a higher one? You don't find as many friends as you can to make charity cases out of. That is not what a "friend" means gentlemen. Referring to one as you "project" does not reinforce what you can actually provide. This is why your cause, as well as Byron and I's previous one, is/was completely futile, misguided, and wrong. People are responsible for themselves, whether they like it or not. He is trying to live through you. You are trying to either gain ego points or self-esteem tokens by trying to "help" him. When you start to live for yourself you'll convey everything you need to and "help" more people than you'll ever care to know.
I say to tell me otherwise. Explain in paragraphs or less where I'm so wrong. To me, there's always been a difference between "bullshitting" and joking around with your friends, and pointing out every single flaw, that is well known as a flaw, and ridiculing it to the point of exhaustion. How many jokes on the kid are made that just end in "Hmph, haven't heard that before....O look more Smash because the thought of laughing is a hassle not worth the effort it takes to short hop." If we really want to break it down, "saying something to his face" is not any more respectful or telling of your level of friendship than stating, "I want to throw shit in his face" and then actually going and doing it. How many more jokes can be made about fucked up hands, unopenable mouths, looking pregnant, and being gay? Well to be sure, probably hundreds, but that isn't my point. I can joke about myself just as quickly as the next guy, but when the conversation goes from "gotta catch 'em all" when I'm around to "god, I wish that asshole wouldn't show up anymore" when I'm not, does no one see a problem? When someone bitches about all the shit that's happened in the past, for literally years after it's happened, I would call this an unresolved issue. When I challenge the person to either fight out their aggression, or talk out their feelings, or do anything to come straight about who they are and what they are thinking, you'd think in light of everything holy they'd choose anything besides off-shot comments that don't have any impact, nor actually pertain to what is being brought up. This is the point of all lost respect. This is where chucking a controller should be the least of things you feel inclined to worry or comment about. You want to talk about "the most immature things you've seen" look at your own cowardice. Look at your plot with my best friend (genius plan) to fight me. Look at your lie about a kiss that you dragged on for years.
So tell me what deserves more respect. Keeping this "light hearted and cool" when everyone knows just how bullshit that state is? Do I not provide enough to our group dynamic to hope that the "understanding" can be kept on an even keel? Do we forget that I, as well as you, should look at the whole a person's actions to judge what they are worth and capable of? So it is from here that my confusion and frustration played things out int he way they went. I will fully concede to almost every charge or grievance you have against me and for the sake of myself and what I portray I will work to change them, but it will take the level of honesty I don't think we've reached in this group's relationship. It's going to take more than one person blanketing the air with what may or may not be the truth of everyone's views. When I'm not the person who gives rides, watches pets, brings over video systems, invites to trips, and repays what he owes, make me out to be the butt of every joke and scornful bitch who isn't thinking about how or why he's around and doing things. I can recognize when someone is being himself and putting who they are and what they have into friendship. That is the last thing I want to threaten. The thing I want to feel scared, and needs to be killed, is the kind of thinking that allows that effort to be tarnished by the "bad air" and formality that comes with being complacent and dishonest about who you are and what you want.
It's amazing what we're capable of. Simply amazing. I mean to literally destroy a friend's life would be chalked up there with killing random pets. I just want the dynamic back. When someone tries to take up a position of authority that does not belong, in any sense, to them, it is hard to refrain from reacting in what is now being considered a "bitch move." Now maybe my definition of bitch is different because usually its the bitch that has to take the back seat on bikes, the bitch who gets slapped around, the bitch who has to follow orders. Sending proper messages through serious channels is not bitch. I talk so much about trying to find people who are on my level. I know that most people are at their normal, and what I consider to be useless, stasis. My initial group of friends is comprised of people I semi grew up with and I generally get along with. You can't get back what you loose with your roots so I figure it is worth trying to formulate something from your history and base, instead of poking around with every new personality you come across. In such a group, you have a hierarchy. When that is challenged, you either step down and take things like the proverbial bitch, or you come back tenfold with a blindside that overtly gets your point across. Jim is a bitch. Jim is less than a bitch because he seems to actively pursue the "art of bitch." He's fat, he smells, he can barely play and sing crappy music, and every attempt made at making him a "project" that will make him emerge able to talk to girls, be social, and just mesh better is spat at and shit on by his ego, of all things imaginable, his ego. When a person like this says anything to you, automatically you want to hit them. When they say things in a condescending and pious attitude, all bets are off. I thought it has been abundantly clear to people who even vaguely know me that I am not a nice person. I don't feel any sort of allegiance to the "don't look like a bitch club." I'm playing my own game, for my own team, under my terms. When I start to roast or say some shit about someone like that, it isn't fun and games, its "I feel bad about myself for putting up with a person who allows himself to carry on in this way." The only joke is thinking the tongue lashing will lead to any sort of change.
I am the one who pulls for people. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt and am not quick to hammer in the last nails. What kills me the most is when I do this, no matter what befalls the "friends" afterward, I will never believe they feel as angry or pained as I do when things aren't felt to be working out. When they allowed the most disgusting and degenerate waste of life to actively speak up for them, it conveyed more to me than any excuse I could have to just let things die. I ultimately blame myself for how situations play out, and this is no different. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised things went from "bullshitting" to scary serious in a moment, but they did. If people are ever going to get along with me, its going to require honesty. Unfortunately for most people faced with an opportunity to lay it all out there, they recede to their happy places and hope things will blow over within the actions of another. This kind of second-handed way of living one's life is beyond unacceptable to me. Why should I have an opinion you might ask? Where is there room for me to step in and try to guide the tides in a direction I see fit? Take ten seconds and think about religion, mob mentality, popularity, and reality tv. When someone sets a precedent, for example, letting the most meager of survivors in a group speak as if they have anything to say or any place to say it, everyone else feels entitled to speak from this position. It's not BJ's position or DJ's position. It's BJ's position in light of the freedom he now feels after what has transpired. It's DJ's position after the relief he feels not having to expound in some tangent about where he's "really" coming from. This is not honest, moreover it is unjust and disgusting. And as the self-interested person I am, if these people are going to be my "friends," I have little recourse but to do the only truly friendly thing I'm good at, making things real. Quite frankly, when you let someone speak for you like that, I'll do what I have to that makes you wake up to yourself.
Now obviously I'm not the cleanest or "best" example of anything. I try to grow everyday with all the good and bad consequences that come from my actions. I was the one that got caught after all. At the same time though, I can understand that deeper thing about me that keeps it cool and knows everything can be made alright, despite the big reveals at the end. I'm not sure how convinced am I that I will return to the kind of life I had when things were "innocent" and "experimental," because I'm sort of driven towards reckless abandon. I don't crave power, but it is a funny little feeling to think that someone would hold you responsible for literally destroying their life. I don't want to become entrenched in someone else's life, but I keep getting reminded that they are always around. What they do and say comes back to me. If I don't do something I automatically excuse and accept whatever the outcome is. So I suppose I've stated it enough times in previous blogs, but again won't hurt. I'm out to literally change the human dynamic. I want to take every old, precious, and "understood" way to live and put them in a new light. I would rather be around ten people that could "destroy me" in an instant who all understand and appreciate why they won't, than one person who will be my best friend and never care to understand why or how we're friends. Yet the answer is simple no? Your in it for the feelings you get. The mental stimulation of bouncing ideas off of someone "at your level." When are we going to choose to exist at a higher one? You don't find as many friends as you can to make charity cases out of. That is not what a "friend" means gentlemen. Referring to one as you "project" does not reinforce what you can actually provide. This is why your cause, as well as Byron and I's previous one, is/was completely futile, misguided, and wrong. People are responsible for themselves, whether they like it or not. He is trying to live through you. You are trying to either gain ego points or self-esteem tokens by trying to "help" him. When you start to live for yourself you'll convey everything you need to and "help" more people than you'll ever care to know.
I say to tell me otherwise. Explain in paragraphs or less where I'm so wrong. To me, there's always been a difference between "bullshitting" and joking around with your friends, and pointing out every single flaw, that is well known as a flaw, and ridiculing it to the point of exhaustion. How many jokes on the kid are made that just end in "Hmph, haven't heard that before....O look more Smash because the thought of laughing is a hassle not worth the effort it takes to short hop." If we really want to break it down, "saying something to his face" is not any more respectful or telling of your level of friendship than stating, "I want to throw shit in his face" and then actually going and doing it. How many more jokes can be made about fucked up hands, unopenable mouths, looking pregnant, and being gay? Well to be sure, probably hundreds, but that isn't my point. I can joke about myself just as quickly as the next guy, but when the conversation goes from "gotta catch 'em all" when I'm around to "god, I wish that asshole wouldn't show up anymore" when I'm not, does no one see a problem? When someone bitches about all the shit that's happened in the past, for literally years after it's happened, I would call this an unresolved issue. When I challenge the person to either fight out their aggression, or talk out their feelings, or do anything to come straight about who they are and what they are thinking, you'd think in light of everything holy they'd choose anything besides off-shot comments that don't have any impact, nor actually pertain to what is being brought up. This is the point of all lost respect. This is where chucking a controller should be the least of things you feel inclined to worry or comment about. You want to talk about "the most immature things you've seen" look at your own cowardice. Look at your plot with my best friend (genius plan) to fight me. Look at your lie about a kiss that you dragged on for years.
So tell me what deserves more respect. Keeping this "light hearted and cool" when everyone knows just how bullshit that state is? Do I not provide enough to our group dynamic to hope that the "understanding" can be kept on an even keel? Do we forget that I, as well as you, should look at the whole a person's actions to judge what they are worth and capable of? So it is from here that my confusion and frustration played things out int he way they went. I will fully concede to almost every charge or grievance you have against me and for the sake of myself and what I portray I will work to change them, but it will take the level of honesty I don't think we've reached in this group's relationship. It's going to take more than one person blanketing the air with what may or may not be the truth of everyone's views. When I'm not the person who gives rides, watches pets, brings over video systems, invites to trips, and repays what he owes, make me out to be the butt of every joke and scornful bitch who isn't thinking about how or why he's around and doing things. I can recognize when someone is being himself and putting who they are and what they have into friendship. That is the last thing I want to threaten. The thing I want to feel scared, and needs to be killed, is the kind of thinking that allows that effort to be tarnished by the "bad air" and formality that comes with being complacent and dishonest about who you are and what you want.
