[359] Hazard A Guess

I think I'm in the mood to be mean.

The funny thing about this idea is that, the less you know, or care to know, about me, you'd assume I'm always mean. It seems like a recurring habit of people as a whole to ignore all the time between “incidences.” It doesn't matter the good natured gestures or professions of happiness or friendship, especially when it fits your present agenda, let's write off the moment or person in the simplest manner.

I feel like this shouldn't have to be constantly beaten into people, but here goes. What's the worst thing you could say? What's the most inappropriate? What's the smallest-minded, utterly disgraceful and disregarding load of shitty drivel opinion or idea you could ever hold? Welcome to my mind and where I make comments come from. “Isms” are easy. Shitting on the recipe of someone's free food they were willing to cook for you is so obviously ludicrous and disrespectful, how in your ever loving fucking mind could you think someone would or could honestly come from that position? Thankfully, the cook gets the joke.

It's one thing to not find something funny, it's another to deliberately mischaracterize where someone is coming from. I feel like I've been getting hints of a character assassination, and it's fucking pissing me off. Sure, there are things I don't like about my friends or can get caught up in a shit talking moment. I certainly don't try to insist upon my other friends that they should or shouldn't think something about someone else. I can explain history or speak of an incident, but the “so and so is this” is different from “this and this happened involving these people.”

I'm not just a dick, and if you were worth half a damn as a friend you'd care to understand why I relate to the world the way I do. And don't get me wrong, this isn't me pretending like I'd ask you to.

I think this happens when too much fake shit and fake talk starts to creep into interactions. The word friend starts to get blown up and conflated with too many things and people don't know what to take for granted or when to be left to their own devices. Score another under the general reasons I like to be the fuck alone.

Sometimes, frequently lately, I think I just need an entirely different social setting. Being around the “pretty cool” or “hot enough” or “smarter than the average bear” crowd is proving stressful. I'm desperate for more people like me. Utterly desperate. Ones who want to dominate information or create ways of interacting and relating in the world that are rarely or weakly seen. I want to spend no time on misconception and empty professions and just work. I want the exponential gains of people on the same page.

And, not for nothing, but trying to account for the vastly overwhelming amount of people, friends, who are depressed, anxious, or have threatened or tried to commit suicide, you'd be a little fucking jaded and find it hard to emotionally or terribly sympathetically relate. I then want to take it a step farther and shit on all the “likes,” “good vibes,” and “prayers” from the 50 odd people who didn't call the police department.

How many people are literally born with fucked up brain chemistry or have been through immense trauma? Plenty, and this isn't shit on those who have. How many are victims of and co-conspirators in the dialogue and culture the drama-fys not just the condition but our response to it? Every time you're persuaded not to pull the trigger hardly looks like that bright when a single dominating moment allows you “win” the game in spite of it all. To me, the joke is only funny when you acknowledge the genuine horror it's speaking to.

If you're curious what it sounds like when the jokes stop, keep asking.