“A point in every direction is
the same as no point at all.”
I can't escape this idea. As someone who is constantly taking in a
ton of information, feelings of pointlessness are familiar and
persuasive. Not necessarily about what I'm doing, but I speculate on
the reasons the information I'm taking in exists. You see similar
stories, hear similar excuses, and watch the patterns play out and
you can't help but think, if you wanted to look and sound like
everything else, what's the point?
Everyone's on Youtube. It's part of the reason I stopped going
there. When the guy who used to make pretty good videos against
religion realized there was less and less to talk about, he switched
to showing us how good he was at guitar. Not why I signed up.
Everyone is part of some collective or video making group or has a
very meager sponsor. Everyone wants to sponsor someone! If you're a
comedian for longer than a few years, you bet your ass you have a tv
show or a podcast. Ever hear of this thing where you can self-publish
books!? New York Times best seller, here we come.
The world feels gray, cheap, convenient and abundant. I don't
often know what to trust unless I've spent an inordinate amount of
time sifting through it all personally and then comparing it against
each other. As such, when it becomes too much, or it just seems I
can't relate to it with anyone, I see myself getting “generally
frustrated.” It's easy to lump in different problems and positions
into an overall “why the fuck is everything fucked” kind of
umbrella.
As such, while I stand by my anger towards simple and passing
slights, because they're somehow malicious in their ambivalence, I
want to refrain from out and out hypocrisy by recognizing my capacity
to glance over the details. Because sometimes it's just easier to
feel angry and speak from anger.
But there's the issue. When your
culture feels arbitrary, do you blame it because it's wrong? Or do
you ignore it because it is in fact arbitrary? As someone with an
agenda, it's hard to believe the latter. I'm mostly lost for figuring
out other peoples' agenda. Surely some of them have one. But how can
I tell? Everyone has a voice, especially when maybe they don't need
one. Everyone's famous. Words just are. Hop on the train to the
national stage of public opinion. The fact that you're talking is
quite enough.
I just want people to be saying something. Not, I'm bored so I get
drunk a lot and cook. Sure, that one episode was funny, the 112th
means you have a real problem. Because you can pirate pro-tools
doesn't make you a producer. Because all you're friends voted you
easiest to talk to doesn't mean you're the next Dear Abby.
That's why I write a shitty blog on shitty websites. That's as far
as my voice needs to carry until I'm saying or doing something more
worthwhile than depicting the various ways in which the world blows.
The only real reason I volunteer it is because I don't know how
better to talk to myself.
