Lately,
I feel like I’ve been watching people set themselves up to fail.
Maybe not today, maybe not even in the next couple years, but almost
certainly eventually. If I look at my parents, it took them like
10-12 years to get divorced. You people realize that my general
audience for these things that’s half their lives? They were a
child maybe just getting into middle school and it took from the time
they were born until then for my parents to figure out that their
marriage wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
I’m
not ragging on them for trying; I just want you to feel time. I want
you to have a sense of how long things can go right or how long
something wrong can take to unravel. When I talk to people who’ve
gotten divorced or who’ve just been in long term relationships and
see little choice otherwise, it’s a common theme. There’s the
comfort and familiarity of the situation. There’s maybe a financial
concern or kids involved. There are questions of what friends and
family will think or how they’ll react.
I
think it’s not so much about separating a good from a bad
relationship. It’s pretty easy to collectively wag our fingers at
abuse or emotional manipulation. I want to make bigger lines between
“good” “gooder” and the “best” kinds of relationships.
Because I see plenty of good relationships that try to happily float
past the very bad things that cause a lot of heartache and stupid
things to happen over time. I also think there are different
emotional states that predicate whether you find yourself in one of
these categories or another.
When
I first thought I was “in love” I would have done anything to be
with that person. She was all I could think about. I wanted to change
any and everything about me to make it work. It was hell, but it was
absolutely the best kind of hell I could imagine. Even though at the
time I knew I was an idiot, I definitely wasn’t an idiot! How could
I be when it all just made so much sense? You’re not me, you can’t
know, agree or I’m going to write off what you think and keep
dreaming about her.
You
know what would have happened if I got with her? Because I think it
would have been terrible. After a while I would realize all the
changes I made weren’t really me. I’d have a million little
itches about how real life wasn’t living up to the fantasy. I would
have made decisions early on that had everything to do with “us”
and nothing necessarily to do with common sense or what’s best for
me. But I was a kid. I got caught by the evolutionary drive that has
made me one of the most recent incarnations of a billion year process
to find someone overwhelming, knock them up, and throw caution to the
wind.
When
I think about that and compare it to what Kristen and I have, it’s
like night and day. I craved, I was desperately in love. Now I have a
constant hug and reminder, kisses I can constantly reflect on. Back
then I struggled and contemplated every little thing I did. Now I get
to just express myself and not stress out that any little thing is
going to change what’s so naturally affirming. I was dishonest to
myself and to what I could probably be to the girl in the past. I
can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t tell or haven’t told
Kristen, and I don’t like how I could’ve been persuaded that
something less than that would have ever worked. I hate the word love
because I believe in something better than it. For me to care about
her is so “duh” it’s effortless.
The
transition from make-out buddy at a party, to spending time talking,
to spending the night, to spending basically every night, to the
first whispers throwing around that stupid L word took like 2 years.
I made sure she knew that I wasn’t around to take advantage, I
wasn’t about monogamy and don’t have too many feelings beyond
general anger or general happiness. This never had her judging or
making excuses for my views. She’s even said she would’ve been
happy to get in a relationship sooner in order to feel special to
someone. This we both identify as that trap where feelings begin to
trump reality.
This
is what I want for my friends. I don’t want them to be in good
relationships, I want them to know they have someone in their life
they can “take for granted.” Think healthy parent who always
looks out for their child type taken for granted, not "I can do
anything I want and you'll stick around." The second you pretend
that those overwhelming lovey-dovey feelings at the start of a
relationship mean something “magical” or “more than anyone else
can appreciate” you’re setting yourself to ignore how much work
it’s taking you to maintain. You’re ignoring what your parents
can’t anymore that keeps them upset. It’s a wide brush to paint
with the word “good” but it doesn’t mean you’re getting to be
everything you are, only better, because you’re in that
relationship.
Because that’s
what I am; I’m better in light of her. It’s not “if only we
could talk more things would be perfect.” “If only her jealousy
wasn’t out of hand.” “If only I didn’t have to keep that part
of my life or what I think secret.” “I wish this one (x) thing
could just be a pinch more (y) and man would this be great.” She
helps me better understand and express myself, and I’m fairly
certain the feeling’s mutual. We don’t just get along, I
didn’t just need a nice girl to sleep next to, and no amount
of fucking around puts her out of my mind. You should think nothing
less of yourself or the people you’re with.
Keep
in mind this is a metric you should apply to any relationship in your
life. I know which of my friends help me be a better me and which
ones sort of almost play along until we stop sharing mutual friends.
I recognize when you “struggle” to relate to something I’m
saying or maybe just find it easy to pigeonhole where I’m coming
from. Ironically I’ve had deep, insightful, and honest
conversations with them in the past, but then something changes and
it’s easy to get written off. I keep holding a candle for what was
I guess. I think it has something to do with reading blogs like these
as personal attacks and not opportunities to wonder why and if
something sticks.
I
see so many regretful old faces. It’s what could have been, who
they once were, what they had to sacrifice. Whether you got knocked
up early, ran your whole life from your fears, or spent too long
finding the words for what you knew in your gut, I never want you to
have the forlorn “back when I was this person” face. It’s not
that people shouldn’t change you it’s that you shouldn’t let
them stop you. You shouldn’t get used to it, you shouldn’t have
to hide, and you shouldn’t ignore the details. Getting bogged down
by societal or family or ill-conceived personal expectations closes
the best door. There’s nothing like being understood and
appreciated for who you really are.
